I received an email the other day from a reader named Maria and she showed me a note that she had written for her facebook page. I think she is very brave for having the courage to share this extremely vulnerable side of herself with the world, so I asked if I could share it with you!
You may be able to relate to something from Maria’s story about dealing with the miserable, psychological effects of acne while attempting to find her footing on the road to recovery.
This is hard for me to write.
Writing this means I’m admitting to my flaw. It’s sort of a double flaw, or a triple flaw.
I have come to realize that I have Acne Dysmorphia. I also have Age Dysmorphia to a lesser extent. They sort of go back and forth from one to the other. If my acne gets better, my Age Dysmorphia gets worse. I always need something negative to focus on, but let’s hope that in writing this for all of you, I will feel more accepting of myself.
My acne has never been severe. I started to get it at about 14. I’d say at that point it was moderate. Since then it’s been light. Not long ago it got worse because I started a new herb and I guess my body was detoxing.
It’s been getting better since I’ve been more conscious of what food and drink effects my body, but nonetheless, the negative viewpoint of my face lurks in my mind like a dark cloud. I catch myself thinking these negative thoughts sometimes, but most of the time it’s just a general anxiety. My consciousness is pushing this uneasy thought further and further back.
God forbid anyone I’m attracted to know that I have this constant preoccupation. God forbid anyone I’m attracted to know that under this makeup, there are blemishes. Blemishes is such a pretty word. It’s acne.
Even now I want to assure you that my acne is not severe. It’s actually quite light at this point. I think I wouldn’t be able to write this if it wasn’t. I think if I didn’t know a solution for my problem, that I wouldn’t. The worst part is that I would become fed up with not seeing immediate results and go back to the drinks and foods that made my face break out in the first place. It’s interesting, normally when I used to be stressed, I would turn to alcohol, caffeine, junk food, but in this case, if I do that, the overall situation will get worse. It’s been a challenge, actually kind of cool at times because it’s neat to see how far I can push myself.
I used to look at my face in the mirror about 20 times a day — no joke. I looked at spots, and I looked at wrinkles. I have a few premature wrinkles on my forehead. I made my own “light” benzoyl peroxide solution for my face a few years ago. I thought, if Proactiv knows how to do it than I can make my own lotion with a small percentage of benzoyl peroxide. Well, I must have messed up the percentage because I dried out my skin. I saw a small wrinkle. I went out and bought retinol cream. I put lots of it on my forehead. It dried out my skin even more and gave me more wrinkles! It probably changed my DNA at a deep level. Retinol’s good at that. Anyway, I guess if you put on a lot of it, it can have adverse side effects. If you put on a bit, apparently it actually helps wrinkles at a deep level.
These wrinkles are what made me decide to finally go natural. I don’t use that stuff anymore. I use jojoba on my face and my diet is pretty clean. I don’t even chew gum because I don’t want aspartame in my body. I don’t want toxic stuff in my body, which is why I’m writing this. I don’t want physically toxic things in my body and I don’t want mentally toxic things in my body. At a point, the mentally toxic things become the physically toxic things, or maybe the mentally toxic things are always physically toxic. I guess your mind is a part of your body and it’s all connected. Stress is so toxic.
So that’s my story, give or take a few details from high school, but I don’t want to change my facial features anymore with plastic surgery — that was purely a high school thing.
I guess the monster is the constant obsession. Maybe I should see it as less of a monster and more of an acquaintance, a disgruntled neighbour, or maybe a neighbour that I can become OK with.
I feel a lot better already by writing this. I know that when I ate poorly, at a few points even recently, I didn’t want to leave the house and thought about suicide. I didn’t consider doing anything, but I thought, if life doesn’t get better than this, then there’s no point in living, so I have to make life better than what I’m feeling right now.
Again, I’m not seriously considering it at this point, but I sure did in high school. Acne Dysmorphia is serious. By the way, it might have something to do with my Asperger Syndrome, which leads me to have the tendency to narrow in on details on subjects. I just thought I would throw that in there.
Thank you for reading! I hope this has helped you in some way, and if it hasn’t, then I’m glad that I got this off my chest!
Maria
ana says
July 12, 2011 at 4:14 pmHi Maria, I hear you girl and I feel so identified with all of what you’ve written here. I still pick on myself sometimes when I go to a mirror, and take my time looking for flaws and worsening every scar (nowadays I avoid mirrors). I have mild acne and I’ve come to realize it’s all stressed related. But I’ve managed to change this attitude with a lot of inner work, affirmations and emotional freedom techniques.
I just wanted to say, that you’re gorgeous! Your skin looks flawless to me, your hair is luscious and bright and your eyes are so beautiful too. Sometimes we need someone to point out how beautiful we are inside and out just to reminds us of our self worth.
I really encourage you to work on self-love every day with affirmations, Louise L. Hay, has some good ones, it will totally change your life. I’ve learned to love myself and my body too, and I know I have an inner beauty that’s is the bomb. So, I wanted to ask you, have you tried working on the phsychological aspects of your dismorphias? I really hope so, I’ve done it myself with the help of some youtubers, believe it or not.
Also, I encourage you to stop thinking about things being toxic, If eating something that’s probably not as good as something else produces you stress, it will generate a feeling of self-hatred. In other words, toxic thoughts make toxic effects. Don’t overthink what you eat and do, It’s not worth it. If you eat in peace and with a feeling of gratitude it’s best for the mind and the body.
I hope you the best!
Maria W says
July 13, 2011 at 1:49 pmHey Ana!
Thank you for the compliments! You are very sweet and kind 🙂
I’ve come to realize that I OCD. I think negative thoughts on an endless loop. I used to have the compulsion of looking in the mirror to stop the thoughts, but that stopped working.
Anyway, that is a good point to look at why I am so unhappy. Every once in a while I start to obsess about food I’m eating, but then I stop and think, “What I’m not eating or what I’m not taking isn’t the cause of my unhappiness”. Stress truly does change body chemistry and I haven’t been kind to my body in that way.
It helped a lot to share this with you all!
Thank you for reading! I hope that I can inspire others to feel more comfortable about these types of thoughts, even though they are kind of icky!
Love,
Maria
Avelyn says
July 13, 2011 at 4:47 pmI’ve been having a lot of anxiety about my skin lately too. I have been 98% clear for about two weeks now with only the odd pimple here or there. It’s at the stage where I want to be happy, but also not wanting to get my hopes up just to start breaking out again. This has lead to be obsessively checking the mirror to make sure my face is clear and then being depressed over having one active pimple even though a month ago that would have been a dream. I am also seeing all the hyperpigmentation left over and it’s making me really depressed. I feel like my face will be spotted forever, and it’s hard because I have two older brothers who tease me all the time about it. I’m the only one in my family who has had skin problems and it leaves be feeling terribly alone. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until this is all over. I’m tired.
Tamar says
July 13, 2011 at 11:27 pmHey Avelyn,
I just wanted to say I feel EXACTLY like you do. Right now, my skin looks great compared to about a month ago.I have one pimple! One compared to my average of thirty before. But, stupidly, I refuse to let myself feel happy because I have scars. It’s stupid and I’m trying to get over it. I know how you feel about being the only one in your family with acne, too. I have four older brothers and an older sister–all who have great skin. Anyways, you’re definitely not the only one! And, so what if you or I or a hundred other people have acne–there is nothing wrong with it and I’m sure you’re a beautiful person.
And, Maria your skin is gorgeous!!! I wish I had it! 🙂
Beladona says
July 15, 2011 at 8:41 amI have had a long battle with acne over 20 years. My skin has dominated my whole life.I feel ugly and worthless because of my skin. When I look in the mirror I only ever see what is wrong.People don’t understand acne is more than just a skin condition. It makes you feel worthless as a person
Maria W says
July 16, 2011 at 2:14 pmHey Tracy, I hope you don’t mind me advertising this, since it’s part of the greater good.
I made a closed Facebook group called “Acne Dysmorphia Sufferers and Friends”
I would love if you all would join and we can make a down to earth place for us to tell each others’ stories and tips.
All and all, a place to be there for one another. I know it can be tough with this disorder to reach out to others. This is a completely safe and closed group, where you can say whatever you want, with respect to the other members.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/173177379415426?ap=1
love and peace, Maria
Tracy says
July 16, 2011 at 3:47 pmThanks Maria 🙂
Sonja says
October 18, 2014 at 4:48 pmIf anybody still reads this,let me just warn you that i’m laying my confession here and If you don’t want to read what you kind of already read above, you can stop reading now. I’m sure you’d never guess,so I’ll break it to you. It is closely related to the topic of acne dysmorphia.
Another thing I’d like to mention is that i’m not from an english speaking country so pardon me if I fail to express myself correctly.
I wouldn’t like this to sound as dramatic as some people like to present their problems, I would actually like to talk about how people have different flaws that often sound funny to other people who don’t suffer from these particular flaws. I would be very happy if I would get responds like “yes that’s totally ridiculous state of mind you’re having, please stop and think for a second of people who have actual problems.” (no sarcasm here.)
I am 17 years old and I have (had) acne problems, which sounds quite normal, since it’s all part of the puberty and (at least in my case) genes. I don’t remember when I had started getting acne, which maybe means I wasn’t so worked up about it and it probably wasn’t anywhere close to alarming. The worst period related to acne in my case was year two of high school , when I started to get them a lot on and around my chin, a bit on my forehead and some around my nose.At first it was a bit of panic, because I have never had them so bad. Panic led to make-up, which led to more acne, which led to panic, which led to make-up,which led to worse acne, i think you are capable of continuing the sequence by yourselves.
There were better and worse periods, when my skin wasn’t that bad and when it was quite bad. Like, there were periods when I could look good with make-up covering everything. And then there were periods when I tactically put make-up on my face, covering only some spots, so that the others seemed like the only ones on my face and that my face was naturally like that. I went (I still go) to a high school that is not in my home town, so I lived (still do) in a dorm. That was tough and depressing for me, because there were situations when I had to be without make-up (even for a bit, before I ran into bed and covered my head). At that time I didn’t have a clue how to treat my skin properly (even though I mentioned I used honey on my face before, I also used a lot of chemicals that were just irritating my skin, you also know this story ).Actually now during the writing i realized the serious problems started at the other half of the first year. The breaks after the first year were the most depressing for me. My skin looked bad, it was hot outside, my friends wanted to spend time with me, and I only wanted to hide in my room and watch “Whose line is it anyway”. ( Offtopic, I highly recommend.) I even tried to avoid contact with other family members as much as possible because I was embarrassed in front of them. If we had lunch together (and note that there was no point of putting make-up in front of them, which would be the easiest) I would avoid every eye contact and lower my head and try to hide my face. At that time I still didn’t speak about it in front of them, although it was the only thing in my mind.Eventually, during those breaks, my mom started talking about it to me.She didn’t understand me. She would put on her glasses and came up to my face and started to analyse. Like it was fun for her. Then she would make commends that would make me feel bad, and when I shouted to stop I would be the rude one. She kept giving me (although i know it wasn’t on purpose) an impression that I should be ashamed of the fact I have acne. She started to tease me because she didn’t realize I was depressed about it. Like, if I felt confident enough to go out, before saying bye I would often hear “You’re going out? With a pimle-ish face like that?” Or if she asked me if i had a boyfriend and I’d reply no, she’d say “Ofcourse, who’d take with all the pimples”.I know she didn’t mean it, but yeeea it was enough for me to create an image. And every time I’d go out without makeup she’d tell me to put some.(although she didn’t say that because of acne). And I did my best to have a good time and be relaxed about it, but it was haunting me. And what scared me the most is coming back home and taking make-up off. I began to fall into this depression and obsession. I began researching about what to do. It took me some time to find out about natural ways of dealing with it. So, when I found out some things, I began to practice them (not sure if it’s the right expression). So every time I woke up in the morning, the first thing was checking my face.If i didn’t find anything new, I would be filled with hope and joy. If I did, my mood would be ruined. I know it’s stupid. I know it shouldn’t affect you. And you who’s reading it don’t think it’s the way you should feel. It isn’t. Because it isn’t SUCH a BIG DEAL and because it doesn’t affect people around you.
Buut you know, it was a kick in the face (in the face hehe) for an insecure teenage girl like me. I guess acne were just showing me my personality. Like it showed me I am a pussy who would just give up on everything because of something quite irrelevant. And when the week ended and I came home, I had a person in front of me that was most difficult to handle-my mom. Because she simply didn’t understand.Anyway one day she told me to go to a dermatologist. I was so insecure that I couldn’t even bare her saying that, and I kept trying to convince myself my case isn’t that serious. And here she is. With quite bad eyesight, talking about my quite obvious acne. I know it was overreacting and she meant good, but I was offended. I shouted out something like “YOU’RE TALKING AS IF I’M CRIPPLED!” And she shouted back “YOU ARE!” and that was the end of conversation. I also read about how dermatologists often are no help, but at one point I was like “yes let’s try it out”. And I had the courage to talk to my mom about it, and so my dad took me to one. It was…40 minutes of driving for 30 seconds of examination and giving prescription . So basicaly just giving a prescription. Chemicals. Acne.
I’m not saying my case was getting worse, but it definitely wasn’t getting better. But I continued doing that for quite a while, I don’t know why.
In the same time i was putting all kinds of other stuff on my face too, like honey, lemon, some herb I don’t even know what’s it called, so yes, I guess I was stressing the skin.
With time I learned things. I finally learned I don’t need chemicals.And that I do need water. So I began drinking water. A lot of water. And I cut out sugar. So Every time I would eat something sweet I would feel so much guilt and frustration and FEAR OF MORE ACNE that I would just drink aaaa loooot of water to WASH MY GUILT OFF. After a while of drinking a lot of water, not eating sugar (most of the time) and not drinking milk helped my skin. And honey and cinnamon also did. But there were ups and downs as well. I began collecting self confidence about my skin which is, sad to say, to this day still very poor.
HOW DID IT AFFECT MY THOUGHTS
As I said before, it was the only thing on my mind.Constantly looking in the mirror, being depressed and anti-social..My friends were like “whats wrong with you??” and I don’t blame them, although I did find them annoying at that point. Everything in life in my head was associated with acne. I began to notice or even search for it on others, and I compared their life habits with their skin health and how was it related, especially if i noticed someone’s acne clearing up. I had a hard time with eye contact if the person was near me, like, my friend talking to me in class. I would most often lay on the table with my arm around the head, as if I was sleepy. But i wasnt. I was just sad. Every reflecting glass I had to check because of my skin. At one point I started to blame karma for all this shit. So I began acting as best as I could to everyone so I WOULDN’T HAVE ACNE. Imagine how twisted that felt when I realized it. Oh another twisted thing. I developed a stupid OCD where I had to knock on the wood three times to prevent something (TO PREVENT ACNE). So basicly, ANY time I even THOUGHT about acne like “I hope I don’t get more” I had to knock on the wood three times. It was just thoughts, because I’ve never talked about it to anyone. But yes,it was strange. I remember having pencils in my pocket just so I could knock on the wood in any situation.Then came the god phase. I don’t believe in god. i did at that time. So i started praying for no acne (please, the fact i still got acne isn’t a reason why i stopped believing in god).
Although I didn’t have confidence, my “love” life wasn’t dead (yes, i know it’s the wrong expression, I was 16 …) . So another thing I feared was him touching my face. Oh it’s so romantic when guys to that. But I was terrified by the fact he could easily find something under that make up and that it would be repulsive (but I’m guessing i was overreacting). So, it was keeping me from being relaxed and having fun. I could have fun. If it’s dark. And you’re not touching my face.
As I said, everything was ACNE.If someone mentioned some trip somewhere, acne was the first that came to my mind. “How will I freely walk the streets with sun shining above me when there’s powder mealting on my face,discovering my acne??”
If someone mentioned some party in my head it was acne. Alcohol, unhealthy food, etc. Also it was hard to deal with this at home, where everyone in the house except me ate a lot of stuff that I kept (I still keep) myself from eating. That’s the hard part. If I don’t eat it, I’m hungry. If I do, I feel guilty. So I began to starve myself if there’s nothing healthy to eat. Because I even stopped eating bread because I’ve heard it could be causing it.
Or when my mom made some cake or something sweet. Sometimes I would make myself eat it because I didn’t want to look suspicious, she knows I like it..But after I ate it I was mad at myself for the rest of the day and was drinking A LOT of water to flush it out. As time past I decided to give up make up. Int hat period I had NO confidence. I considered myself as a monster. I didn’t even let myself daydream about something or someone because of this. But it did help my skin.
Oh and yeah, very often I have nightmares. About my skin looking worse. Or about something I ate and I shouldn’t eat because it would cause acne. Or about my teeth falling, if that’s related in any way.
HOW IT STILL AFFECTS ME TODAY
I’m on a great path to clear skin. I still get premenstrual acne around my chin, but it’s nothing bad.Also blackheads on and around my nose, and reddish skin on my chin. I’m ok with wearing no powder. But it still haunts me. The obsession. I still keep analysing my skin so fucking much and how it reacts to my acts.
I still keep starving myself (actually i’m doing that right now because i don’t have any healthy stuff to eat at the moment) . I fear it returning. I still haven’t gathered self confidence and it is quite annoying. I still think about it a lot. But not as much. Maybe me writing this helps my situation. Or your situation.
Because I consider all of the things I wrote BULLSHIT. NOBODY should think like that. Because, except of you ofcourse ( or some other acne sufferer like me, who found acne on people even when there was no acne at all., just to make themselves feel better) gives a shit about your acne. Trust me. I haven’t noticed NO change AT ALL in people’s way of behaving with me now or when I had (worse) acne.
I hope I will let myself free someday , and that you will too.
Oh and yes i still have nightmares about it.
But still, after I finish writing this, I’ll get up from the laptop, take a piss, and then stare for a while at my reflection in the mirror.But the good thing is I’m starting to like the reflection.
Also one of the reasons I wrote this is that I haven’t talked about it to anyone, Ever. So it feels good.
Thank you for reading this.
Abby says
May 17, 2015 at 8:59 amI’m really sorry to read all that! I feel that way too alot and I’m learning not to blame myself. It’s not your fault that you have acne. It’s not my fault either. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s actually a good thing that I have acne because it teaches me I have to love myself unconditionally even with acne. And that’s not easy!!!! Don’t blame yourself or berate yourself, you’re special!!!! It’s just an obstacle on your journey!! 🙂