Okay, next instalment in my truth vomit series.
In episode one, I talked about how over the course of The Love Vitamin’s life (about 5 years now), I have been on two separate journeys.
The first one was my journey with figuring out my skin, my health, my diet, my emotions… messing around and experimenting, and then blogging about it.
This journey has slowed down in recent times because I’ve pretty much found my groove, health and acne wise. And because everything in my life had been going really well.
The second was my journey with the creative and business side of The Love Vitamin. The behind the scenes stuff that took up a huge chunk of my time.
As I said in the other article:
This is the part that I don’t really blog about, because, well, it’s not a business blog. But this was and is a huge part of my life. In the background, I spent many many hours of my life working behind the scenes on The Love Vitamin.
By this, I mean all of the hats that I wear to keep this thing going… the writing, the editing, the graphic design, getting the word out about the site, updating social media and newsletters, connecting with readers, figuring out technical stuff, managing contractors…
The formulating my principle, cohesive method of acne treatment that I want to teach (which took years, as this was the results of my health and skin care experimentation mentioned above), writing the ebooks and the programs and constantly updating them, answering questions in my private Academy forums … updating the look of the website… the, just… everything.
And all of it has been so much fun. Difficult at times, but awesome.
The slowing down of this journey is what we’re going to talk about today, and the problem that lead to for me.
The following post is pretty dang personal, so, uh.. judge me gently 🙂
My Blog Journey Slows Down
With the creative & business side of the blog, I had always had this vague goal of “completion” that I was working towards…
By that, I mean that I had formulated my comprehensive method of acne treatment, created a comprehensive and detailed program that teaches it, and finally had a really awesome website design.
The blog and my services, of course, would still go on, but everything else would be mostly in place (for a while, at least).
This process took four years of more than full time work, and in October of 2014, I finally got there.
And at that point, I wasn’t really sure where to take the website and business from there. What was the goal from there?
I didn’t know and I still don’t know.
That, plus the fact that I’ve lived and breathed acne and this blog for four years, I decided, you know what? I am going to allow myself some time to just not focus on it so much and do other things while I figure out what’s next in my life (whether it’s the evolution of The Love Vitamin or something else).
In other words, I was just going to take some “time off” so to speak.
So… as a result of the fact that I was no longer so much on my health and acne journey, and now I wasn’t so much on my business and creative journey either….
Well, suddenly I found myself with a lot of free time to fill and not really sure what sort of meaningful things to fill it with.
Now, I am not asking for sympathy… oh I have free time, poor me.
But for me, at least, too much free time can be a curse. I tend to crave periods of time when I have little to no obligations, and I always think it’s going to be the best thing in the world! Free time to do anything I want! FREEEDOOOOMM!!! Woooo!!
Except I’ve realized over time that I feel most fulfilled when I have a goal. I end up just getting really miserable when I don’t have a meaningful life goal to work towards.
That’s why The Love Vitamin, when I was in the thick of it, was so amazing for me. Reaching the goal wasn’t where the happiness was… the working towards it was the joy.
The journey, in this case, really was the destination, if we want to get all cliche about it.
It’s just that if I have a bunch of free time, doing a bunch of random or routine things with no clear goal or burning passion to them (despite them being enjoyable activities), then I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels.
What’s the point? Where am I going?
I like change, excitement, trying and learning new things… so new and interesting projects with goals and end dates work better for me. Repeating routine activities starts to really wear me down.
So, too much of that and I start getting really restless.
Let Me Paint You A Picture…
So, let me paint a picture for you of my recent summer and fall.
First of all, Luke was away a lot. He is a kayak guide and had a particularly busy summer, so he was away guiding tours much more than he was home. And after that, in October and November, he went to work for six weeks with a company in northern Manitoba that does polar bear tours.
I love having time to myself, so normally I don’t mind at all when he’s away. Generally it’s good for our relationship to have time apart.
But this year it was nearly six months of him being mostly away, and we were being really lazy about actively connecting over the phone or skype… so… you know. It was a bit much. There was a lot of distance growing there.
Secondly, we are the type of people who do best with just a few really, really close buddies. The type of peeps who are exactly on your wavelength and they need you like you need them… the ones who just assume you’ll be hanging out together that week, because who else are you both going to be hanging with?
I feel like I need this.. those tight friends in addition to my relationship with Luke … to feel truly happy.
But it seemed like all of our close friends like that had moved away from town.
I also work from home and tend on the side of hermit… I have plenty of great acquaintances, but meeting and making new close friends is not exactly easy for me.
Another problem was that we had recently bought our own home, which was another life goal that I had been working towards and was now complete… and while I love the house and am super stoked about it, it was just that… well, home and garden maintenance and repairs are huge jobs…
Luke had pretty much been away since we bought it, and while the work was enjoyable, I slowly began feeling frustrated with how much there was to do, and lonely and overwhelmed that I felt like I was doing it all myself.
This obviously wasn’t Luke’s fault since he was away working, but still.. it was supposed to be OUR home, and it wasn’t feeling that way. I was desperately wanting to do this together.
I started to feel a little trapped, and began wondering if home ownership was all it’s cracked up to be.
So here I was at home… too much free time, no meaningful work, no friends, mostly no husband. And a whole lot of “what now?”
But I Actually Had a Pretty Good Summer, Despite All that…
But here’s the thing… despite all that, I didn’t actually have a bad summer, so I didn’t realize how truly miserable I was getting at home.
See, there was one thing I totally fell in love with this year that I just wanted to do all the time, and that was rock climbing.
I have rock climbed here and there over the years… I always liked it and thought “that’s something I want to get more into one day”.
And that day was now, as I suddenly had the time, the means to buy the equipment, and the desire to really learn the ropes. And when I did that, I totally fell in love.
It felt so exciting and empowering.
Problem is, there is only limited outdoor climbing in our town, no indoor gym, and, of course, with no friends in town and Luke away all the time, I started taking constant trips out of town to go to festivals and climb rocks with my close friends.
So I actually had a lot of fun, but it was a major juxtoposition. No fun at home and extremely lonely, and a TON of fun out of town with other people, doing something that just lit me up.
The Perfect Storm
Basically, it was the set up for a perfect storm when I happened to meet a friend of a friend this summer who I connected with quickly and started having pretty strong feelings for, and could tell he felt the same way.
I have never ever had this happen before while in a relationship. Not even hardly a passing attraction to anyone else, so this was all very new.
At first, I thought… well, whatever.
I don’t really believe in “the one”… I think there are many people in this world that it is possible to have a really amazing relationship with, and in however many years of marriage, surely it’s bound to happen that you’re going to end up being attracted to someone else somewhere along the line.
I’ll just ignore it.
But slowly I found myself getting more and more emotionally wrapped up in it, and started spending way too much time with him (he is also really into rock climbing). It felt so good, when everything at home seemed so lonely.
I was firmly allowing myself to get drawn away and into the fantasy of a different life.
Oh, The Confusion
Which obviously caused a great deal of stressful confusion for me…
Luke and I have a really great relationship. We have a lot of love, respect, and fun together. We work so well. Up until now, our relationship of five years has been smooth as glass.
So it’s not like I could actually picture us breaking up! I didn’t want to break up! I love him! …. but then why was I feeling this way!? What the heck was going on?
When I realized just how emotionally deep things were getting, the other guy and I agreed to cut off all contact, and then I got prepared to talk it out with Luke.
Luke was still in Manitoba at this point, and I felt like this wasn’t something to discuss over Skype, so I spent a couple weeks by myself just absolutely freaking out over the situation.
I found out (or was reminded, I suppose) what a basket case I am when something is going really wrong in my life.
My mind goes nuts, I spend all day pacing and talking to myself, I can’t concentrate or focus on anything else, and I can’t eat because I feel sick to my stomach.
I basically went non-functional, and in this case, all my stress management tools seemed to go out the window.
But anyway, by the time Luke got back and we talked it out, I had finally started to put two and two together.
No I didn’t actually want to break up. I was just feeling miserable at home… frustrated, bored, lonely, abandoned perhaps, and I was pulling Luke into the negativity (none of which was his fault), and then trying to run away from it all.
I hadn’t figured it out until then because I didn’t realize how negative I was truly feeling… these feelings built up slowly, and were overshadowed by the good feelings I was having out of town with other people.
When we talked, Luke got it right away. This is the lovely thing about Luke: he’s extremely understanding, and he knows me apparently better than I know myself. I am really lucky to have him.
Right away, he knew the truth: I have escapist tendencies. He knew I loved him… but I was just doing the same old thing I always do.
The Escapist Me
You see, I have always had a habit of moving from place to place, thing to thing, assuming the next place or adventure will make me happier than where I am now.
If I don’t feel perfectly amazing at any given time, my default knee-jerk reaction is always to make sweeping changes to my location or environment, assuming it will make me feel better.
Of course, that’s only to find that it’s all still the same, and I’m still me.
The only time I’ve managed to legitimately quell these tendencies, was when I was engrossed in the passion of The Love Vitamin process. When I felt meaningfully fulfilled within myself, I felt no reason to run.
Now that my journey with that has started winding down, the old escapist me has tried to make a sneaky come back.
So luckily he didn’t hold any of this against me. He knew it was just a new reincarnation of me being me, and that our love wasn’t really dead.
We were booked to head to South America a week later, and we agreed that after all this time apart, this trip would probably be what we needed to reconnect; doing something fun and exciting together away from home.
We also, at the last minute, decided to do something pretty wild while we were there, as a way to process, purge, and grow together from this recent experience…
And that was the shamanic medicine from the jungles of Peru: Ayahuasca. If you’ve never heard of this before, it’s pretty out there… so get ready for some freaky stuff next week.
Stay tuned.
30 Responses
I can’t wait to hear about your experience with the medicine! I have read about it before…..I’m so eager to hear about your experience.
Thank you for sharing your life with us.
And it may be hard to see, but you ARE setting out on another journey with TLV by writing these blog posts. It’s a new informative, transformational, raw version…. and I love it! ♡
Thanks Kendra! Yes, I can feel that these posts are definitely the beginning of some kind of new TLV journey, although I don’t know what means yet in concrete terms.. but it doesn’t matter, I’m just letting it unfold out of me as it wants to. It feels really good.
As for the ayahuasca… haha well all I will say for now is that it was ROUGH… but I definitely learned a lot! Don’t worry, you will hear aaalll about it over the coming weeks.
I respect your honesty. I missed seeing your videos about health and wellness. I have learned so much from you. This article resonants a little with my life, so I understand where you are coming from. You have a beautiful personality, and life. I can’t wait to read your upcoming articles. I am glad that your husband is understanding and supportive of you, and from what I can see you of him. I hope you have set new goals and are keeping yourself managed in the good way.
Girl that took some guts!! No judgement here…life throws up all kinds of challenges all the time and no one’s immune to it. It’s freakin HARD to be that honest…thanks for sharing!
Thank you Val, was definitely a little nervous about this one… but I have found that the most powerful posts are always the ones you feel a little nervous to press post on!
Hi Tracy,
Cannot wait to here from your experience either. I went to Peru in 2014 and got some pretty huge answers to my existential questions.
And I do feel for you. It is never easy to face negative emotions. I am pretty sure you are not the only escapist in the world. I actually am too. Sometimes those strong feelings inside of us are very hard to face although they just want to be heard and acknowledged.
What is amazing about what you are doing right now Tracy is that you overcome isolation by existing with Luke and existing with us. This is very a transformative experience.
You have all my admiration,
Take care of yourself.
I love your honesty and courage, Tracy. These are great posts and I’m looking forward to reading more!
Thanks Joanna!
Oh wow… THANK YOU for this post – I feel like I could have written it! You put words on processes I have been and still am currently going through without really getting them. Your post helped me to start thinking clearer. At least now I’ve got an idea about where to start looking for a change… Big “escapist” right here too! And what you wrote about freedom, spare time and the miserable side effects of not having a clear goal to work towards… I get it totally! Even the part about the house and the other guy… We must have been living in a parallel world cause the experiences you described were incredibly close to the ones I had over the last few months! So, anyway, THANKS again! Longing for adventure and aliveness and going to create just that! Looking forward to your next post! Have a GREAT day! 😉
Hi Ana, glad to hear this helped you out!! 🙂
Hi! Tracy
let me start with this,
“As a person, you will always feel incomplete. As a being, as life, you are always complete.” – Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev
As you taste spirituality I just wanna leave you with this,
“Let life happen in ways that you have not imagined possible. Allow that which is beyond your imagination to happen to you.” – Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev
Looking forward
Stay in grace.
Love,
Tiana
haha yep.. you’ll see in future posts that these quotes are very relevant to me… thank you Tiana!
Waw, great post, definitely a new TLV wind kicking in. Keep up the great work. Bytheway I read somewhere you are attending nutritional school, could you by any chance tell me which school it is and if you are enjoing it? I really want to study nutrition as well. A have a PhD in analytical chemistry and feel this work is not fulfilling me completely or maybe I am just an escapist like you are, thinking doing something completely new and different will fulfill me 😀 Haha. Well I moved and lived in a couple of different countries already and always find it not to be the answer for my unhappiness, so I move again, and change jobs again…Ahhh.
Hope you and Luke reconnected again 😀
Hi Nalika 🙂 I was doing a holistic nutritionist diploma at Canadian School of Natural Nutrition, but ashamedly I never finished it! I got too wrapped up with The Love Vitamin. It was a good program though, I learned a lot. As for whether you need to switch careers, I don’t know! Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Actually it’s very hard to tell, especially if you have those escapist tendencies. Because of course sometimes certain paths actually aren’t right for you, but if you always have the urge to move and change in search of perfect happiness… it can make you switch paths unnecessarily only to find that it’s all kind of the same anyway. So I don’t know! Figuring that out is definitely hard. But good luck!! Also thank you, yes, everything is great with Luke and I now 🙂 It’s much better having him home!
Tracy, I’ve followed your blog and YouTube channel for years… mostly because I appreciate your openness and down-to-earth personality, which I find motivating and comforting during my hard times. You’re a real person and you don’t mind sharing that. While I’ve never experienced your same recent struggles, I am going through a very tough and frustrating time in my life… honestly, my faith in God is all that keeps me going sometimes. Visiting your blog today and seeing that you are not giving up during your hard times and your recent frustration, and seeing that you are persevering is a great comfort to me. So while you may not feel like you’re actively on the acne journey anymore, and you may feel like you’ve lost tough with your community, sharing your life experiences in a genuine way are still impacting others a great deal. I think life morphs and evolves, and maybe you’ll just find a way to touch others differently. The Love Vitamin isn’t dead, it’s just evolving… after all, you named it The Love Vitamin, not The Acne Vitamin or The Peace Vitamin. Most other blogs and channels I know are people professing they have an answer… you don’t do that, instead you admit you’re figuring it out, too, and we are all on a journey together. Thanks for being secure enough in yourself to show the world that you are a real person.
Hi Katy! hah I totally forgot about the actual name of the website… The Love Vitamin… I actually did choose that because I wanted to allow room for it to evolve if it needed to (instead of choosing something with acne in the name). Anyway, thanks so much for your kind words 🙂 Thanks for being a follower and sticking with me through my journey. It does seem to be evolving now, and I am loving reconnecting with all of you!!
Tracy,
I’ve followed your site for a few years and it’s been very useful to me. I’ve really enjoyed the honesty of these past few posts. You and Luke seem like really good people. Best of luck wherever the journey takes you!
Thanks Shasta 🙂
First time on your site, am doing this permanent detox thing as in I’m done with Gluten/Sugar, I’m hopefully finishing up a 6 year health struggle here but who knows, but now I am breaking out for no reason, and well .. seems normal according to some things you wrote. At 46, I’ve still racked up my share of injuries between motor sports, lifting heavy stuff, and just being young and thrill seeking. I am now sticking to the ground where I was engineered to be. My half brothers oldest brother was rock climbing over in Europe when he was younger, he really got into it, well long story short he ended up losing a foot (after a long and prolonged battle to try and save it), and although his prosthetic is awesome, as you may know from desert storm stories the pain from these types of injuries can be horrendous and permanent. Still, running is trashing my hips, knees, and ankles. The rush of climbing is, I’m sure awesome, love to go to the top too, but do the foot trails instead!
Hey Tracy!
I just read your most recent several posts, and I’m just blown away by your honesty. It takes major guts to be so real in such a public way.
I don’t visit the site too much anymore, because, much like you described, I’ve found something of a health/skin “groove”…Actually, I remember wondering a few months ago if you were detaching from the blog for that exact reason. It makes total sense. Your journey is your journey, and while it’s awesome to move on to the next chapter, it’s gotta be scary when you’re connected to so many followers and this blog is your business and livelihood.
No matter what you blog about, I’ll always check back here. You’ve made a big difference in my life and I know you’ll have a following of people who respect and care about you no matter what you choose to do next.
You and Luke seem like wonderful human beings and a great couple. I’m so glad you’re working things out.
Anyway, props again on the honesty! I’m sure this was scary to post, but it’s raw and powerful and I’m sure I’m not the only person (by a long shot!) with whom it resonates. Thanks so much for being so genuine.
I’m very much looking forward to the next post…talk about about cliffhangers!
Hi Kit! Nice to see you again haha.. come to think of it, yes I haven’t seen you much around the blog anymore, but I am very happy to hear it’s because you’ve also found your groove! I’m glad you appreciated these posts, it is quite scary to be so raw and honest, but it also makes me feel better to just bare it all and have no secrets. Thanks again for being such a loyal blog follower and sharing this journey with me over the years!
Hi Tracy
I appreciate that you are writing about things that matter to you. Sounds like there are many of us out there with similar tendencies which is reassuring! I think you have a bright future in all aspects but it sure would be nice if we had a road map of sorts……look forward to seeing what you do next and hopefully it will include you chit chatting about it as you are a gifted story teller. You are Brave to do the A thing. I would be too scared that it would not undo itself haha!!
Thanks Karen! A road map would definitely be nice hahah… but it is kind of fun how life builds on itself, always giving you new lessons if you choose to learn from them… anyway, glad you enjoyed these posts 🙂
Tracy, you are so wonderful. Your courage, your honesty, your femininity touch my soul deeply. You talked about being lonely in your post. I would like to share with you that I have never been in relationships but never felt so lonely (with some exceptionally hard times). I still stay alone and have realized that it has made me a stronger person who can be happy in company as well as alone. Now the reason, during my school times, because of my academic challenges, as well as oversensitive nature, I realized that peace was the first thing I desired in life. I have been reading Sri Ramana Maharshi since then and my life changed forever. I pursue Self-enquiry and that helps me see the difficulties of my life as a witness. I won’t say I have mastered it, there are times when I cry, yet I can’t deny how much my spiritual pursuits have beautified my life. I don’t see spirituality and practical life as separate from each other. I felt like sharing my story because of your heart-touching sincerity towards life and towards your beloved, which is so evident from your post. May you always stay in love with life as well as your beloved !!
Hi Jayashree! If you read further on with my adventures with ayahuasca, I have come to the same conclusion – surrendering, letting go, and… I like that, seeing the difficulties as a witness… is the answer. Now I am just practicing with the little difficult things when they come up throughout my day, so that I will be prepared when and if something big hits. I may take your suggestion and check out Sri Ramana Maharshi. Thank you!
Sorry, but I must vent this: If anyone’s an escapist here it’s him, leaving you to yourself (your HUSBAND for goodness’ sake!!!) for weeks and months on end. What nerve to point that politically correct finger at you and allude to your ‘escapist tendencies’ …
This is seriously so revolting to consider.
I wish you a much better partner that actually suits the real you.
haha sorry Squigg, but I would definitely disagree… he was working. Kayaking and adventure tourism stuff is his career, which he loves and brings him fulfillment. I want him to work. I want him to contribute money to our household. I don’t want him to sit around doing nothing and have me support him, what kind of husband would that be?
I like being on my own generally so I was totally fine with all this, and have been totally fine with it in past years when I was busy with my own stuff – it only became a problem now because of my own lack of personal fulfillment. Believe me – he is not to blame, and he is honestly the most wonderful person and devoted and loving husband, and you are not getting him right. And I would not call it pointing the finger; I offered the escapist explanation first and he just knows it’s true because he knows me so well.
I just found your blog — it could be me writing it all. Right down to the ‘wherever you go, there you are’ a book I kept in the kitchen so the cover would remind me. I have all the same tendencies you describe and you have great insight into your inner workings. I am about to embark on an Ayahuasca 3 day journey to heal as well, which is how I found your blog. My partner of almost 30 years self imploded because of a grave illness I had — we lost a business that we excelled at and were very successful. Suddenly life stopped and I thought I had broken him when he began acting cruel and distant. He happily let me know, again and again, that it was actually him all along. He had been unfaithful since day one and took my friend out the day before my wedding to have sex and then hide at her place … leaving me at the alter! More and more came, then violence and pure hurt, which I deserved in his mind. I cannot blame my illness anymore, it did not break him, he was already broken and always had been. His ease of lying and deceit shocked me to the core and I’ve spent over a year and a half in tears. Now I have rage and hate him. But I am still totally disabled because of my illness and need him to take care of the house and dogs. I built a business, raised a family and moved, renovated and loved every ounce of my life. I thought I had true love. We held hands at bed time and NEVER went to bed angry — it was a rule. We woke up smiling and ready for the day ahead. It was all lies. So, I sit here typing out WAY too much information and don’t care anymore. My life is broken, I am shattered, I have no hope and no way to take command of my life because of my illnesses (caused by steroids of all things!). I hope, hope, hope, that the Ayahuasca Goddess will give me peace. I have no way to reconcile the enormous trauma of the betrayal and he just pushes back. Like the self entitled %$#! he is. It feels good now to expose him, he is beloved by all as a mild, sweet and gentle person — he is none of those things. I am so lost and hope this will help me figure a way to be free of the love that binds me to this hateful person. I love your honesty! I have tried to be so and it is cathartic :o)
Hi Ella, I’m so sorry for what has happened to you, my heart goes out! I too hope that you find some answers with your ayahuasca journey. Don’t go into it expecting that it will magically cure everything that hurts, but it will probably show you the process that you need to go through to heal and give you some clarity about the situation. Good luck and let me know how it goes.
PS. My face was just like yours, from steroids. I have been severely disfigured by it and am only now looking like myself, 8 years later… I push knowledge about the dangers of Topical Steroids now. I love that you paid it forward and were moved to help others as you found your way in the darkness of your skin problems.