This is part two of this series describing my Ayahuasca journey in Peru!
This post is describing my second ceremony, which was the 2nd of three over a five day period.
(Warning!! SUPER long post here! Twice as long as last week!)
If you haven’t already, read the following posts first to get caught up on the story:
- I Was Bored, Frustrated, and Lonely… and I Freaked Out
- All About Ayahuasca
- My Ayahuasca Journey – Part 1, Night 1
The Morning After
After an awful time with the first night, I was of course exhausted and tired, and there was still a bit of a negative haze over me… but after a bit of food and a nap I felt revived. The negativity was gone, the lessons were clear.
Bring on night two!
The days at the retreat were basically spent relaxing, meditating, doing yoga, going for walks in the countryside, and for reflection. I spent most of it writing in my journal so I could remember every detail for later.
When it was time to head to the hut again to drink the ayahuasca brew, I got very very nervous. But I was as ready as I’d ever be. I almost even thought that I wanted to have a little bit more tonight.
They often say that if you have one bad night, often the other two will be better. Or vice versa.
And last night was so bad, surely it couldn’t be worse, right? I did my purging already.
So I wanted to get a bit deeper; perhaps get the visions that Luke had but I didn’t. Maybe I just didn’t have enough last night?
Oh Tracy… Welcome to the Worst Night Ever
Ohhhhhhhhh wow. If I thought the night before was bad, I really didn’t know what I was in for.
This was by far the most intense, terrifying, and undeniably difficult night of my entire life. I was completely ripped to shreds. So. utterly. traumatic. I didn’t even know something like this was possible.
By the time it was done and we were heading back to our rooms, I was literally whimpering like a sick puppy.
As I drank the brown sludge for the second time (I foolishly asked for a bigger dose), I tried to be positive, thank it, tell it I trusted it.
I repeated my intention for the evening over and over: “show me what unconditional love means”.
I tried to be calm as I waited. Surely an intention about love is bound to give me an easier night than an intention about purging, amiright??
Good Luck, Lil Darling…
When it came on, I purged into my puke bucket, and suddenly things got REALLY intense. Like far more intense than the night before. Like you’re lost in an insane hallucinogenic sea with no life raft kind of intense.
Still no actual visions though.
But either way, I immediately started feeling really, really, really bad again. So bad. So so so so bad. Just horrifyingly bad. Like ten times worse than the night before, or anything I’d ever felt in my life, for that matter.
And I wanted anything…. ANYTHING to run away from all those feelings. To make them end. Pllleeeeease make them end. The worst torture was that I knew I couldn’t really do anything to make them go away.
All my worst fears were flying at me with extreme emotional intensity…
I came to see that the things that scare me more than anything deep down inside are situations that don’t feel good to me, and I can’t do anything to control them. Much like what was happening to me right then.
In the less extreme examples of these fears, it’s just being stuck in a really boring or aggravating situation that I can’t leave or control.
The most extreme (and therefore most terrifying) examples of these fears are situations like getting terminally ill, critically injured, maimed, disfigured, living with chronic pain; or any of these things happening to Luke, or my parents, or close friends.
Or dying. ME dying. I didn’t realize how afraid I was of death.
I’m a Control Freak!
I was shown is that what it all boils down to is this:
I am 100% not okay with feeling bad, or uncomfortable in any way. I don’t want anything to be particularly hard, or even inconvenient. I want everything to feel good, exciting and fun. If something’s hard, I want near immediate gratification for it.
I’m an idealist. I want life to be and feel as good as it can. I also want life to feel as good as it can feel for those around me.
I have very specific ideas about what my ideal life is and feels like; I often have very clear visions in my mind of how I want things to be or go… down to pretty specific details sometimes.
And I’m willing to take action on that.
In many ways, I think this is a good thing, and I’ve always kind of thought of it that way.
I take life by the horns. I create my own reality. I work towards making my own dreams come true. I’m not ever going to be someone who tolerates sitting by the wayside watching life pass me by, wondering where it went.
And I also care about how others around me feel… I really want them to have a good and enjoyable and comfortable life too. Hence helping people with acne via The Love Vitamin. I’d definitely say I’m a caring person. And I am extremely empathetic.
So yes, there are positives, but now I was being shown the dark side of this… the other side of the coin…
And it’s that I can be downright selfish and controlling in order to make sure I can craft and maintain my perfect feel good reality for myself.
I like to get what I want. I want to get my way. And I HATE having decisions made for me.
And so I can quickly get resentful, or even angry, when I am not in control – when someone or something “makes” me feel bad, or “makes” me do something I don’t want to do, or throws some kind of wrench in my vision or expectations.
I might seem “chill” if I don’t really care one way or another about something (which I often don’t), but if I do, and I have that vision… and I can’t do something to get it… it eats me up and drives me crazy…
Yeah. Okay. I’ll say it for what it is… I’m a control freak.
However, I’m much more of a closet control freak than an outward one.
I don’t think most people, including good friends, would realize that. I don’t think that anyone aside from Luke really knows the extent of it (after all, sharing a life with someone tends to bring out the control freak in people!)
I know I can’t control most people or situations, so my way of controlling them is simply avoiding, withdrawing from them, or just refusing to think about them if they don’t feel good.
When I really thought about it, I realized there were about a million little ways that I try to control my world to make it feel good and avoid potential pain and suffering. It’s an entire theme in my life.
And that’s right up to the big things – like not being sure I wouldn’t want to run away if something awful happened to Luke that made me feel trapped and scared… right down to being annoyed when he cooks something differently than me, because I know I could have made it taste better.
Yep. I sound like a terrible person right now.
But if there’s one thing ayahuasca doesn’t let you do, is get away with your own bullshit… so here it is, all on the table!
Thing Is… I’m Pretty Good at This Perfect Reality Stuff… Most of the Time…
Thing is… for the most part, I’m actually really great at this “making my world feel good” thing. I do a good job of moulding it to how I want, fixing and preventing problems, and avoiding pain.
As a result, I feel very good most of the time, because things tend to go my way. Of course it’s easy to feel good when everything’s going well!
But you know what really helps with feeling good and comfortable and having things go your way?
It’s not just my magic controlling hands.
Oh no, it’s also a heck of a lot of sheer luck and privilege.
Ayahuasca was really driving this point home:
I am EXTREMELY privileged. And EXTREMELY lucky.
Aside from had I been born a man, I’ve been born into a pretty damn optimal life situation.
On the privilege side, I’m white, young, middle class, heterosexual, healthy, able-bodied. I have time and freedom. Parents who love me, a respectful husband who loves me (and is super go with the flow, therefore well tolerating of my control freak side), amazing business, great friends, great dogs. I consider myself intelligent and well liked. I was born in a safe, developed part of the world, full of natural beauty. I have never gone hungry.
And on the luck side of bad things that still happen to us young middle class white people… well, I have simply been very lucky that I or anyone I am close to has yet to befall any terrible tragedy, abuse, awful illness, death or otherwise. I have never had my heart seriously broken. I’ve barely even broken a bone!
Of course all this immense luck and privilege makes it that much easier to feel good than for those who have not been so lucky.
And I KNOW IT!
I KNOW 100% that I have it so friggin’ GOOD!! So much of the world does not have it this good. I don’t deserve it more than anyone else, but it’s just how the cards got played.
And I am utterly attached to all of it.
I was always aware of and grateful for my blessings, but now I see that that gratefulness was actually just attachment.
I have it easy, and I have it good, I damn well know it, and I am downright terrified of something coming along to change it and lead to my own pain or suffering or even just inconvenience or general uncomfortableness.
It’s not like worrying about this stuff keeps me awake at night (normally this isn’t really stuff I actively think about), but it does subconsciously lead to my controlling behaviours, and to having a really rough time when things don’t go well.
I simply can’t accept it when shit goes bad.
I mean, sure, I have had some difficult times in my life, but it’s never been that big of a problem, because I always knew that I could rely on myself… my drive to fix things… to either fix it, run away, or just let it pass…
It’s not that hard to let the tough things pass…. that is, if you know that it will only last so long, and afterwards, you can just get right back to feeling good.
If it’s something that isn’t just going away any time soon… well…. that freaks me out big time.
The Acne Tested My Limits…
The worst thing that has happened to me by far was the whole severe acne thing.
People who haven’t had skin problems often don’t get it and may think that sounds vain, but if you have, then you understand the feelings of deep despair, anxiety, paranoia, and worthlessness that comes along with this.
And the thing was that there was never really any true acceptance of the situation.
I knew that I could use my own will power to change my lifestyle and eventually make it go away, but in the meantime, until it went away, it was absolutely torturous.
I couldn’t wait to go back to having everything be the way it was before, back when things were easy and going my way. Back when I felt good.
I very much tried my best to do things I loved while I was going through it, and not let acne stop me from living.
But it still did.
I felt like I couldn’t fully live and be happy until it went away. The resistance to this ‘lesser’ reality was beyond strong.
But what if I couldn’t just make it go away?
What if I had to live with a face full of severe acne for the rest of my life and there was simply nothing I could do about it?
How could I possibly live with that and also be happy?
The sheer idea of it is simply something I can’t seem to really accept.
How could I be in pain or have a terrible illness or just any extremely unpleasant situation, and just have to live with it? And then somehow learn to still be grateful and find joy in living, even though I feel so damn bad at the same time?
This concept is so foreign to me… I just don’t understand how to do it.
This recent relationship issue I had (which you can read about here) showed me that when I’m stressed or things aren’t going well, I simply don’t function.
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate.
If I don’t learn to accept my situation and manage my negative feelings and still find a way to function when things go wrong, how could I possibly deal when something really bad happens that I can’t make go away?
I will literally waste away from not eating or sleeping, and I could easily see myself quickly falling into a deep depression.
I mean, I have to figure this out, because my perfect lucky little life can’t go on forever. Even if nothing truly horrific ever happens, at the very least, Luke and I are still going to age.
We won’t be young forever, we’ll be victims of ageism, our bodies will start deteriorating. We’ll get aches and pains and wrinkles.
Our dogs will die. Our parents will die. Our friends will die.
Luke will likely die before me (because men usually do) and I’ll have to mourn and potentially be very lonely.
These things are inevitable.
So this is something I need to figure out how to deal with before I’m forced into it and I simply can’t deal.
It Keeps Coming…
Anyway… the first part of the evening was just so incredibly intense and overwhelming. The negative emotions and fears and uncomfortable, deep scary shit was SO strong. I wanted to get away so, so bad.
I squirmed and fidgeted and writhed around like an insane person. And when a wave of awfulness came that was absolutely intolerable, I would sit up and puke from the depths of my soul. Or just make an awful, horrific retching noise.
I realized that the fidgeting and squirming was just a way to distract myself from the pain, and after a while too, I realized that the puking was becoming not just a positive purging thing…
It was also becoming a way for me to distract myself from the feelings… to throw them out, get them out of me… ANYTHING to not feel them anymore.
But I Knew the Answer
I instinctively knew the answer on what I needed to do. I needed to accept the possible realities of my fears.
Accept that I may, at some point, need to live in pain… and accept that one day I will die. This is reality. Bad stuff happens. It is life, and I am not immune to it, as much as I so badly want to be.
I knew that I needed to feel the pain fully, explore it, and let it be there. And remember that hard feelings… well, they are unpleasant, but they won’t kill you.
So don’t run from it. Just sit with it. The more you resist, the harder it is.
When the fear and anxiety gets intense, bring it back to your breath… to your centre. Accept that you don’t feel good right now… and stop fighting it.
Like if you were paddling as hard as you could upstream against a current, and then suddenly you just let go and go with the flow…. stop resisting, accept it for what it is, and ride it out…
Finally, I also knew that I needed to surrender to the higher power. The spirit inside of me. God, source energy, the universe, the light in all of us, whatever you want to call it.
I knew that I needed to fully trust that I would be taken care of.
Just let go. And trust.
I knew that was the answer.
Except… I just couldn’t do it.
Sounds so easy on paper, doesn’t it?
I Just Couldn’t Do It!
I tried to explore what truly, actually accepting a painful situation would look like, and I just couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t imagine really truly accepting anything less than exactly what I want my life to be like. And of course, the more intense and painful the situation, the less I could imagine accepting it.
Next, I tried to stop squirming and puking and just sit with all the unpleasantness, which I could do for about a second before it got way too overwhelming.
And I tried not to comfort myself with the fact that as horrible as this is, in a few hours it will all be over and I can go back to my normal life and just forget about all this.
Because I knew that wasn’t what this was about… if something bad happens, I it won’t be over in a few hours.
I won’t be able to comfort myself that way.
I will have to just be with it. Live with it. I’ll have no choice.
I also tried to explore and let myself go deeper into the big scary ideas… the idea of me dying, my parents dying, Luke dying, a close friend dying, or any of us getting really ill, disabled, or disfigured.
But again, I couldn’t do it. It was so terrifying, I just pulled away every time I tried to mentally explore it.
And Inner Self? The Universe? Source Energy? What IS that??
I also realized that I don’t have any trust in anything beyond my physical body, my identity, and my privilege. And my ability to use those things to change things to what I consider to feel “okay”.
I saw that the concept of my own spirit, God, the universe, source, or whatever is actually so foreign and unknown to me… and that it actually was completely terrifying to me, as opposed to comforting.
My “inner light”… I just don’t understand it. And I never have. I don’t understand how to “feel” it, or have a “relationship” with it.
And therefore it feels boring and not worth my time, since I can usually rely on my physical being and mind to muscle my way towards what I want.
It’s just that … how can I put my full trust into something that feels so unknown? So confusing? So lonely?
This feeling of foreignness… being unfamiliar with spirit, is why I’ve never felt comfortable being alone.
I mean, truly alone.
I never would have thought that about myself, because I actually LOVE being alone… but not without distraction. The internet being my absolutely favourite distraction.
I’ve spent plenty of time dabbling with meditation, but I must confess that I really don’t like it. Beyond five minutes, it feels incredibly difficult and boring to me. Because I just don’t really get it. Sitting down to meditate is the LAST thing I ever want to do in my day to day life.
I totally understand the relaxation side of it, and the ‘watching your thoughts’ stuff, but the ‘connecting with your inner spirit’ thing… I just don’t know.
I’ve always felt like I’ve had a bit of a spiritual block. I understand all these theories of source and spirit and God in theory, but never in practice.
They say that when you truly connect with and trust your spirit, it feels infinitely powerful, comforting, and beautiful… like infinite love. Being wrapped in a warm, loving blanket.
But I was feeling anything but infinite love in that moment, and putting my trust in spirit and letting go into whatever that is, felt incredibly scary.
I was afraid of the power of it, if I really looked at it. If I knew I had that kind of powerful force inside of me, what would I do with it?
Just Surrender, Tracy…
So, basically, every once in a while, I’d take a great big deep breath and try to relax my entire body and imagine surrendering. Letting go and falling into the loving arms of the higher power…
And that would feel good for about a second, but then I’d get scared and pull out. I was just too afraid of the unknown. Since I don’t know or understand it, allowing myself to let go into it felt like I was dying.
Not literally dying, but it’s like… if I let all my fears and my identity leave me …. what am I? What is this? My physical identity is all I know.
Won’t I be lonely if I let go? If I let go and become spirit?
Yes, the spirit in me is supposed to be the same spirit that’s in you, and everything. So how could I be lonely then?
It was just so hard to imagine trusting and letting go to something that you have no real idea about. That you haven’t experienced. How do I know I can really trust it?
If I let go, I fear something bad will happen to me, because I only trust my physical body and my mind to change, fix, or do. It’s all I know.
Even the ayahuasca… all the advice is “trust it and surrender to it”, but I was having a very hard time feeling like I could possibly trust something that was making me feel THIS bad.
Yet I instinctively knew that trust and surrender were the answers.
90% of the world doesn’t live an easy life like mine. Most live every day with pain and illness and struggle and boredom. How do they get by?
Well, they surrender to God, that’s how.
Aha! So that’s why religion is so popular.
But yeah… anyway… I just felt like there was this huge block there. Like literally some kind of energetic block that was stopping me from exploring that higher power and seeing that infinite love, and therefore making me too scared to really give in.
And What About The Unconditional Love?
So yes. This was the basis for the night. Feeling worse than I’ve felt in my life, wanting to run and escape, trying hard to accept, sit with the emotions, surrender, and feel grateful…
But ultimately failing.
And what did this all have to do with my original intention of ‘show me unconditional love’?
Well, I have to admit, when I set that intention, I was hoping for an easier night.. to feel the love of the universe like Luke did the night before.
But it gave me a slap with reality instead…. it showed me that unconditional love isn’t the lovely happy feelings.
It’s being there for someone through the hard times, sticking with it, even when it feels awful… when it feels boring, difficult, thankless, or scary.
Like looking after a sick spouse or your elderly parents, or still feeding your kids even though they tell you they hate you or stole your credit card and wracked up thousands of dollars in calls to 1-900 numbers.
It means that it’s okay to feel bad or uncomfortable sometimes, if it’s in the name of love, or just being a good person.
And the only way you can get through these tough things it is to trust. To accept the situation as it is, and trust that it’ll all work out ok in the end.
Hit by a Dump Truck
After the ceremony ended, I went to my room. Luke came in and I tried to explain. I felt like I had been hit by a truck, pummeled beyond anything…
And despite there being a heck of a lot of understanding, there was no peace. No resolution. No being put back together.
I remember making this whimpering noise that didn’t sound like me… an expression of complete exhaustion and suffering.
And when he left, I purged my guts out… vomiting like demons were coming out of me. Luke said he could hear me retching from two floors up.
After that, the ayahuasca kept going for hours and hours… I was just forcing myself to try and be still and sit with the pain, trying to surrender, trying to avoid getting up to purge, instead sitting with the nausea until it passed.
It was so, so, so difficult, and I could only stay with it for a few minutes at a time… I was not overly successful, but it was something.
It was a glimpse into what I needed to do, I just needed to prolong it… and really trust it and let go.
What an insane night.
(Stay tuned for part 3 next week, I promise it will be shorter!)
I’m really enjoying your journey 🙂
“Without coming to terms with the limitations and possibilities of who you are, you can not take the next step.” – Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev
keep it coming!
Thanks Tiana 🙂
Very interesting Tracy. Thank you for telling us your story.
Side note: be careful about parroting the white male privilege stuff, or even white privilege stuff… there’s no real ground for it, though the media will ceaselessly tell you otherwise. If anything whites have become a scapegoat to advance a certain political ideology… very destructive and diversionary. Sure, you and I are extremely lucky being born into Western middle class families, but our ancestors worked their asses off to give us the building blocks for what we have, just as you have worked hard building this great resource.
Hi Michelle, sorry but I would have to respectfully disagree that the world is not set up to systemically favour white people (or men). Or able bodied people, or youthful people, or middle class/rich people, or what have you. I’m not saying white people, or women, don’t work their asses off, or our ancestors haven’t, but I believe it does make it that much easier to live a comfortable life, and get ahead and succeed, when you are on the “right” side of the world’s biases and circumstances
I believe you are both coming from a similar standpoint. Do what you can to serve equality but do not for a second believe in inequality. I saw a post from a friend of a friend that didn’t sit well, insinuating that women ‘had’ equality. Yes of course. But I read it as equal rights, legally or otherwise enforced, which is definitely not the case, while they were expressing the inherent equality of women which is a spiritual truth that deniers may not take away… our language can be quite insufficient in this way. You are both absolutely correct and brilliant in your core belief and love.
Tracy, I agree that it is easier to live a comfortable life when we are young, intelligent, attractive, and able bodied, etc… that’s why our relationships are so important, so that when we do get older, the people in our lives love us enough to help us if we need it. But I haven’t seen any objective evidence of people who are disadvantaged in these ways being prevented from success because of a systemic prejudice. People simply do what’s best for their businesses, and it seems that usually the people complaining are less intelligent and just want a hand-out. Perhaps many people who have less advantages could improve their odds by getting healthier, being kinder, watching less reality TV, etc.
Of course people can do all that they can to work hard and improve their situation, and of course many can live a great life, but people can only improve their lives and live as well as they can within the confines of their privilege or lack thereof.
Forgive me if I’m wrong, but it sounds to me like you are saying that, for example, minorities are not as generally well off as white people because if they just worked harder and stopped complaining about racism, then it’d be an even playing field … and I just simply disagree. They are up against biases and prejudices, years of a racist system that favours white people in small ways that we often don’t see because we are the privileged ones… it’s hard to see the house of privilege when you are living inside it. I’m not saying that we as individuals are racist people, but we have no choice but to live and participate in our systemically racist society, and inevitably benefit from it, whether we like it or not.
I personally really like this list which demonstrates the little ways that we benefit from white privilege in our day to day lives: https://exploringeconomicscivilrightspovertyrace.wordpress.com/2014/11/15/50-examples-of-white-privilege-in-daily-life/
I wasn’t necessarily talking about racial minorities… As a Caucasian, I’m a racial minority here in California, but the individual is the smallest minority of all. It’s true that certain racial groups do worse in Western culture, however when studies select for intelligence, by the government’s own statistics, we all do about the same income-wise regardless of race, I can provide you with evidence if you like. Also, in group stats Jews earn the most, Asians come in second, then whites, Latinos, and blacks are at the bottom. No one ever talks about Asian privilege… Of course there are many intelligent blacks who do very well, and plenty of whites who do very poorly, it’s estimated that there are 30 million whites below the poverty line in the US (more than blacks, though I do realize that blacks make up only 12% of the population). This can all be predicted by IQ, of course, not always, speaking to the trends. Though some of it’s genetic, there are ways that IQ can be increased, namely through peaceful parenting (no hitting, spanking, verbal abuse, etc). Blacks culture is generally very tough on their kids, statistically, often Fatherless which is very bad for kids, trapped in a welfare hell hole. Also, I really appreciate your openness to this conversation, I recognize that it is an emotional topic for people, but I try to make my observations based on reason and evidence. Thank you.
Maybe I am in my bubble of white privilege, so I don’t as easily see the every day struggle and mistreatment of others, and I truly don’t mean to be rude, but I found the 50 examples to be easily refutable, easy to provide logical reasons for, overly sensitive, and some of them ridiculous to the point of bordering on humorous. “17. I can talk with my mouth full and not have people put this down to my color.” Umm, talking with your mouth full is gross, no one cares what race you are… Maybe they were stretching to come up with 50.
Okay but I would argue that the reason you are saying that in general, black people don’t do as well on IQ tests (less peaceful parenting, fatherless families, welfare hell hole), and therefore have the largest poverty rate percentage wise that correlates with IQ, is exactly the product of being born into a long standing racial system dating back to slavery.
Can you imagine what something like slavery would do the spirit of a group of people? Or the addiction and violence that it would breed as a result of having to deal with those feelings of pain and helplessness over such a situation? And then due to the racial prejudices, black people have been afforded fewer and lower quality resources for education, health services, etc. All therefore resulting in lower IQ, therefore resulting in a worse economic situation. These problems get handed down through the generations… it’s a problem that white people created for black people! It’s a cycle that we can’t just expect them to magically jump out of! Especially if we continue to act like it’s a problem that they’re just bringing on themselves.
Asians on the other hand, at least in Canada, seem to come here from already fairly well off and educated families who can afford to immigrate here from Asia, so they have a head start in that regard. And slavery to white people is not their history. So their race may not affect them the same way economically, but I am sure their group as a whole still faces racial prejudices in other ways.
Which brings me to the topic of intersectionality, meaning that looking at one privilege (or lack of) in isolation is not telling the full story. If you have some privileges and not others, it will combine to create your overall ‘quality of life’ or whatever you want to call it (as a statistical generalization). Asians with better economic backgrounds before immigrating may have a better quality of life than black people born into an already defunct racial system in the US. Blacks in the US will also generally do better if they are born into a middle class family, and of course, white people will generally be worse off as well if born into a poor family (although their race advantage I would argue might help them crawl out of the cycle of poverty easier than a black person could).
Me for example… overall, males have the privilege in the world, but being a woman is only going to affect me to a small degree, what with also having the privilege of being a white, middle class person, in a developed country. However, if I had been born into poverty into certain areas of Africa or Asia, well I could find myself a child bride or sold into prostitution, two very real perils of my gender that my other privileges negate.
Anyway, I have enjoyed the debate Michelle, but it really could go on forever 🙂 Its clear that are never going to change each other’s minds. So I am going to end there.
Hi again Tracy, really quick: slavery is an institution practiced by all cultures throughout history, every race has been enslaved over the ages, masses of Irish whites in recent history as well, and the Muslim slave trade was absolutely brutal on them. Irish whites were the first slaves brought to the Americas. Japanese-Americans were thrown into internment camps during the 2nd world war and they’re thriving today, economically speaking. Only around 10% of the African-American population are the descendants of slaves.. most of them immigrated after the government institution of slavery was ended for the first time in human history (by white people). If you’d like to know more check out this video: the Truth About Slavery, it’s a pretty powerful history lesson + all sources are listed: https://youtu.be/31E1gHowYcA
I do think the problems facing non-whites and non-asians are mostly cultural and are facilitated/rewarded by the current semi-socialist state, the hamster wheel of welfare dependency is keeping them trapped in poverty as it’s ripped apart the 2 parent family since it began in the 60s (single Moms fall back on the State if they’re irresponsible and get pregnant = males are selected for brawn, not brains and values = fathers don’t stick around = all kinds of social problems). It’s got little to do with the racism of whites (except perhaps whites who push for the welfare state), as the data and history shows.
Thanks again for the discussion. I will end it there if you like.
Thank you for this. You’re helping me to understand myself better. Or -at least- showing me a possible way out (which seems to have to go “through” gasp…)
Hi Lost Girl, yes… gasp is right! I’m really happy this has helped you see the way forward a little more, even if it’s terrifying. Stay strong, we’re in this together 🙂
I used to get horrible panic attacks that lasted for a day or so. I didn’t know what to do with myself and couldn’t do anything. I don’t anymore, thankfully:) Diet, mainly advice from your blog (kind of a pleasant side effect that I didn’t expect), Tracy, stopped the panic attacks and anxieties for the most part!! I’m wondering how the hallucinogenic purging on ayahuasca compares to that. It sounds so much like being in panic, except I never learned anything from that.
Thank you for the very detailed account on that experience! It’s obvious too that it really did something amazing to you from the way you’ve been writing lately.
Hi Anna – yes, that’s exactly how I would describe this feeling – a really, really intense panic attack. And so if my advice has helped you to stop having those then I am so happy because that’s an awful, awful thing to go through! If you do get them again, maybe my experience here would help you. I remember learning about chronic anxiety before all this, and learning that the best way to go make it go away is to stop resisting and it and stop trying to make it go away… let it be there, let yourself feel bad without trying to fight it or do something to stop it, and while it seems counterintuitive, this is the answer (to both get through the immediate experience quicker, and have the anxiety come less strong and less frequent over time). And this is also what I learned in the ayahuasca. I think it’s true… I have had some anxiety since coming home and I’ve been practicing with this and it is indeed working.
Today when I came from shower and looked myself from the mirror…suddenly I realised: No acne!! And I have had it like 10-15 years, not just face but in body, everywhere, all the time…It’s an amazing feeling. If someone would see me today for the first time, they wouldn’t believe I’ve ever had any problems with acne!
This is mostly thanks to you, I found you and your book last year!
It’s funny, I really thought about it today, even when there is no visible acne anywhere, there is still this chronic feeling, “I’m ashamed”, “I’m dirty”, “I’m inferior”…like this acne “identity”, might take longer to heal this “mental acne” than this physical one? 🙂 I just realised just how long, forever I have lived with those negative thoughts…feels like now when I hopefully don’t “need” them anymore, then with what I will occupy my mind??
I’ve been reading about your journey, I understand you.
I understand if you are tired about hearing about acne…
I was a travel guide over 10 years and sometimes became tired repeating the same stories over and over again. But then I realised that those people, they hear the stories for the first time in their lives and that motivated me. Equally, and sorry to give unsolicited advice…I think you really should continue as a acne guru, there will (unfortunately) always be people who suffer from acne and will need someone like you to help! 🙂
Hey Elina, wow congrats!! I am very very happy for you 🙂 But yes, at least for me, the healing of the “mental acne” took a lot longer. To stop having it be on my mind, to stop fearing it, stop trying to control life in order to control the uncomfortable “acne fear”.
But I got there… I was actually very impressed that during the ayahuasca, nothing about my skin actually came up at all. Which showed me that .. ok. I guess I’m officially over it. Doesn’t mean that I don’t fear having severe acne again, but it’s kind of just faded back into the general population of “things I don’t want to happen to me” rather than a specific thing that I focus on. So anyway – you’ll get there too.
As for continuing as an acne guru! I will be for the foreseeable future 🙂 I still very much enjoy helping people with their skin. And I’m feeling inspired again for the blogging. I think the mental break did help.
Hi Tracy! So feel free to say you’d prefer not to answer, that’s totally fine! But after reading this I’m a bit curious: what are you spiritual beliefs? You mentioned God in theory, but not in practice. Just curious where you are on that! I can say that I grew up Christian, but recently I’ve had a spiritual awakening and realizing that I believe so much more in my own inner self, spirit, and the universe. I alway enjoy hearing other’s viewpoints on this matter!
It would have definitely been helpful to explain exactly what I meant when I was talking about “god, spirit, the universe, or whatever you want to call it’, but there was just no room for more words! hahah… it’s a great question though, I might actually just write a whole blog post on it. We’ll see.
But basically, in short, I believe that the God that is being worshipped and prayed to in all the different religions, and the “inner light” or “the universe” that new agey peeps talk about, is all just exactly the same thing. God is everything, it’s everywhere, it’s in all of us. We’re all just disagreeing about the “right” way to get in touch with that same powerful force (or whatever it is).
I don’t think there’s a right way, and everyone’s spiritual path is their own and should be respected. I didn’t grow up in a religious family and I don’t think organized religion is for me… I definitely swing more “new agey” but then again… like I said in the night 2 blog post, I have always been a little bit confused about how to really trust or have a relationship with or feel the meaningful connection to the “god, universe, spirit” force. Some people seem to have a very close relationship with it (either through religion or their own personal spiritual practices) and I have always been curious and open to this but I have personally just never got it.
That’s a great interpretation! I’ve never thought of God and the “inner light” being one in the same. It seems that most people think they’re separate, that God is a supernatural being and our inner light is just that, our inner human light. Though I grew up in a religious house, I’m realizing that organized religion really is not for me and I want my spirituality to be more personal. I love talking to others about their ideas on spirituality. Thank you for your insight!
I love that you’re hip to ayahuasca. I’ve never done it, but I’m planning too in the future. I have taken mushrooms and it’s one of my favorite things in life. My immediate thoughts upon reading your two experiences so far is that this is probably a physiological issue.
If other people in the group had good experiences including your husband Luke then it can’t be the actual ayahuasca- meaning it wasn’t a bad batch, so we can rule that out. I believe this had nothing to do with your mind or spirit (you have a great mind and spirit btw- I enjoy your writings), but something physical like a liver problem, a hormonal problem, a viral issue, or something else that remains to be seen.
I know I already spoke in detail about the liver flush in another post, so I don’t want you to think I’m fixated on it. I have learned so much about natural health remedies because I was very sick most of my life and because natural remedies were the only thing that brought be back from the deep, black hole of depression and debilitation I have quite a few tools in my tool belt. I know that DIM has done wonders for you- myself included, but I’m wondering if you take progesterone, pregnenolone, DHEA, estrogen, or any other bio-identical hormones (progesterone being the first key one)?
If so and you have that part of your life under control and I know you know how important diet is- than I believe the liver flush could do wonders for you. A congested liver may have been the reason you had such horrible experience with the ayahuasca. My other thought is that you could be dealing the Epstein-barr virus, toxic heavy metals, and perhaps parasites. Above all though from what I read about you I believe the liver flush would be of the most importance first.
I have come to this conclusion because I read in one of your posts that you still struggle with acne and the DIM and diet still continues to be of such great help to you and if you let your diet slip than the struggle continues.
Since you know about xenoestrogens and the importance of DIM breaking them down- before you found about DIM and diet your liver was all alone doing it’s best to break the toxins down. What it does is binds the toxins to cholesterol and this creates the intrahepetic stones (liver stones). Because your acne condition got so bad I can only imagine you’re loaded with these stones. Bile flow is so important and if it’s blocked it’s going to cause all sorts of problems.
Ayahuasca is going to be so hard on your body like any other drug or alcohol and it’s your liver that needs to mop up what it sees as toxins (that part of your body isn’t seeing the spiritual and emotional benefits- it just knows it needs to be rid of the toxins). Ayahuasca is so hard on your body that as you know- it makes anyone who takes it vomit. No matter how healthy you are- it’s going to make you vomit. It’s a very powerful medicine and it’s extremely hard on your liver.
I hope this brings some insight to you. I believe if you take care of the intrahepetic stones that I am willing to bet you are loaded with- not only will you be able to have a much more pleasant Ayahuasca experience, but you’ll also have a much easier time dealing with your acne issue. Life in general will be much more pleasant.
Peace and love to everyone,
Thanks for your comments, I’ve read your other ones about the liver flush.. you know, I do understand that since the liver flush is something that worked miracles for you, that you will sort of see everything through that lens… as in.. it’s the answer to everything! I am not discounting that… I have always sort of thought that if I ever could work up the courage to really go through a series of liver flushes, it would probably be beneficial, but after my one experience being so awful, as you can imagine… I’m hesitant. Especially considering you’re supposed to do 10-14 of them…… well… yeah…. I don’t know if I honestly could see myself taking that leap to commit to it…
That being said, I don’t think my ayahuasca experience had anything to do with that. I didn’t get the typical visions, but it’s definitely not like it didn’t work. Ayahuasca isn’t necessarily supposed to be a fun, pleasant time. Most people go through hell and back on ayahuasca. My group was small and I just think none of them were as much of a control freak as me, so they probably just weren’t resisting as hard as I was. And I will say, I’m no stranger to other hallucinogens and have never had any problem with them not working the way they’re supposed. Occasionally I have had a bad time (similar to the dark scary place in ayahuasca), but that has happened due to a set / setting / mental mind set sort of a thing. When you do those things (at least for me), it’s usually in a happy, beautiful location, with good friends and good music – a very different experience than going and lying in a dark room by yourself trying to wrestle with your inner demons.
I am SO new to your site and posts. Found you through google-ing PCOS and ayah because I wanted to know if women have found healing through ayah…
I also have acne that seems related to PCOS that seems related to my sensitive systems, including my liver. I’ve been working on healing holistically for about a year. The WOMENCODE book is one of my main guides…
I read the guy’s comment above and I’m just wondering what DIM is?
Also wondering if you could recommend a post of yours that summarizes the healing work you’ve done so far so that I can get caught up? 🙂 🙂
Many thanks! And many hugs. You sound like an awesome lady.
Hi Jen! 🙂 Unfortunately I don’t really have one summary! The Love Vitamin is a work in progress of my journey over the years. If you’re looking for my complete holistic guide to healing acne, check out my acne programs (under programs in the menu bar).
I think for most people, ayahuasca is a pretty powerful, undeniably healing experience. For me, well.. it was.. interesting. It was a traumatizing experience for me, there’s no question. I ended up with chronic anxiety and panic attacks after, which is not exactly what I was expecting. But it also showed me a lot.. it illuminated certain patterns in myself, so I know myself better now. But also the challenge of the anxiety after, which lead me to figure that out what the ayahuasca was telling me the whole time… stop resisting. Completely not resisting was what healed the panic attacks. Which lead me to also find the solution to my chronic RSI pain (seems unrelated, but it is). Which now I can sort of feel I’m being drawn down the path of becoming a mind-body coach.
So anyway — I wouldn’t wish the experience I had with Ayahuasca on my worst enemy, but every challenge is a positive one if you learn from it and use that to grow and look at it that way. I would suggest going into Ayahuasca with a very open mind and put expectations and attachment to resolution of your health problems aside. Be open to what it tells you even if it’s not what you were expecting. Good luck and big hugs! x
Have you done the Enneagram? It is steeped in time and so full on accurate in the levels of problems we can face. I am at the bottom end of it all — my worst fears have ALL come true in a short period of time and I have no control. I am like you about that, and it made me successful in that I made a career for myself. I’ll bet you are a 7, the sparkplug of the enneagram. Their are official testing online and I am also a 7 with 2 and 8 one number behind. I am an amalgamation of the 3 but my essence is a 7. My husband is a strong 4 with no seconds, no surprise that 4s are never happy, always looking to be rescued and basically suck at life. Learning about the Enneagram has given me total focus, it is so accurate in what we manifest that it gives me a path to healing. I highly recommend it. I have learned of it as I learned about plant medicine, the two go together sublimely. I love your blog <3
I am definitely going to do that, I love that kind of thing 🙂 I will comment back here with the results
I appreciated reading about your discomfort and unfamiliarity with how to conceive of God and spirit and how to surrender, etc.
I have felt quite similarly to how you felt — in my case, I was brought up by parents who had no religious beliefs/practices (nor any intellectual or emotional curiosity about it), and who therefore didn’t discuss religion with me, not really even teaching me about it in a general social/cultural sense.
To an individual who grew up in that situation, it’s naturally a foreign concept, and I haven’t even known quite how to imagine it in my mind, how to pray, what the unwritten (or even written) “rules” might be, how to avoid communicating with any wrong/evil spirit(s) by mistake….
So many people seem to tacitly understand all that, and share with each other a broadly similar grasp of some of the key concepts even if they disagree on the particulars (even non-traditional folks who have more of a new-agey bent, which I recall that you wrote you probably would lean towards),
and yet there are a gazillion different approaches with everyone having different traditions, rules, customs, terms, prayer styles, morals, holy books/stories, supreme/higher beings, etc.
I think somewhere in this comments section or near to it that you mentioned you were thinking of being a mind/body coach.
I don’t know if that is similar to a life coach sort of approach, I expect in a way it is.
In a couple of ways, you remind me of a relatively well-known “life coach” named Martha Beck – you may be familiar with her.
She is older than you – I think she’s older than I am… she might be 55 or 60 now. She has a PhD from Harvard and was a university professor for a while, then got into career coaching, wrote a couple of bestselling books on that topic, wrote a few bestselling books on other topics, was a “regular” guest contributor on the Oprah Winfrey talk show and has been a long-running monthly columnist for the Oprah magazine.
She also wrote about taking ayahuasca, or a similar preparation/process led by a shaman, also leans towards the new-agey type of stuff, also loves to travel, also is a perfectionist/has bouts of anxiety, also enjoys communicating ideas and systems to people and helping them live a happier and healthier life, also has a good sense of humor that makes one laugh out loud sometimes when reading her columns/articles/posts, also is/was athletic, also likes the outdoors. 🙂
If you are unfamiliar with her, she does have a website – I briefly visited it a few months ago for the first time in years, and it seemed that it’s been rearranged and a lot of the free material that had been on it 5 to 10 years ago (which I read at the time) was now gone.
Of her books, I would recommend first taking a look at the one called _Finding Your Own North Star_. (The exercises in the book might give you some ideas about making some goals for your own career path.)
Martha was raised in a religion that she left with difficulty later (and she wrote a book about that), and she was married with a few kids (one of whom has Downs Syndrome, which she wrote a book about), then got divorced and now has a female partner.
She runs a life coach certification program on her horse ranch in California. …Not that I am saying that that in particular would be a good fit for your interests or your situation – it probably wouldn’t.
You may have been familiar with her already, or maybe she’s not your cup of tea — I’m just conveying the information in case it might give you some ideas or inspiration. 🙂
Wow, crazy that you had overt white supremacists trying to proselytize here, wth. i’m sure they’re here because they’re already in your audience or because they were looking into ayahuasca. Which shame on them if they were.
Anyway, did you ever write the next part to this? I looked around but couldn’t find a follow up.
Hi and hello. haha… I know, right? About the white supremacists.
I did write the third one… here you go: https://thelovevitamin.com/18670/my-ayahuasca-journey-part-3/