Acceptance, huh? Never tried that one before…
Hey friends, so I hope you have enjoyed my long series of truth vomit posts, including my ayahuasca adventure.
Much of that had little to do with acne, but I want to get back to that and bring this full circle…
During my recent experiences, I learned very clearly that when you’re in a situation that feels bad, the answer is to just accept it.
No one wants to feel bad, but the harsh reality is that life can hurt. Life is not perfect. Shitty things happen that don’t seem fair, and sometimes you have to do things that don’t feel good.
The more you mentally resist the reality of the situation, the more it’s going to hurt. The bigger the problem is going to get, and the more it’s going to take over your life and emotions.
If you are reading this blog, I can only assume that a shitty, awful thing that is happening to you right now is acne.
But I Could Never Accept Acne, You Say
People have a really, really hard time with the word acceptance.
And I get it. You don’t like it, so how could you ever accept it?
Doesn’t that mean giving up trying to get rid of it? Rolling over, and just living with it? Are you actually asking me to LIKE it?
“No way. I could never accept myself or a life like this”, you think.
I get why you feel that way (and believe me, I’m no stranger to feeling this way), but it’s not really like that.
I’m not asking you to like acne.
Fact is, you’re never going to like acne. You’re never going to like the things in your life that feel bad. And often you can’t really help the things that make you feel bad.
Observe Yo’self
Notice what happens to you when you get a new pimple…
When they’re coming on strong and hard and you feel like you’re spiralling out of control? Or the disappointment when one clears up only to have another one appear?
For me, I get that kind of “oomph” feeling in my gut, like someone punched me.
And yeah, that feels terrible.
Most of us at that point mentally go “NOOOOOO!! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!! I DON’T WANT THIS!! I HATE THIS!! STOP!!!” and then we tend to get this wild, beastly urge to do something, because we can’t accept feeling this way.
And by do something, I mean do something that we consciously, or often unconsciously, think is going to make the pain go away.
Take your pick of these favourites:
- Getting the urge to wash your face multiple times a day or overuse your skin treatments
- Immediately deciding to drastically switch your skin care regimen
- Picking or squeezing your skin until you hardly recognize yourself
- Obsessively looking in the mirror every two seconds
- Cancelling all your plans for the next week, or calling in sick to work
- Deciding to try a new diet or restrict more foods
- Spend every second of your free time reading endlessly about acne, searching for the miracle cure
- Trying every supplement that has ever been uttered in the same sentence as acne
Essentially, we’re trying to control and manipulate the feelings, which doesn’t often work that well.
Often you just end up more anxious, and the emotions of trying to control it begin taking over your life.
But what would happen if – before you do anything to get rid of the acne – you just completely accept the situation as it is right now in this moment.
You stop fighting it. You stop resisting what is.
How to actually do this is sort of hard to describe in words, but…
Just Let Go
I mentioned this anecdote before, but imagine being in a canoe, paddling as hard as you can upstream against the current. How hard is that?
Now imagine just letting go. Putting the paddle down and letting the current carry you, even if it feels a little scary.
Or, here’s another example. Try tensing up and contracting every single muscle in your body all at once. Hold it for a few counts, and then release and relax everything.
Getting the idea? Acceptance is kind of like this, but translated into your mental headspace.
Now here’s what you do:
- You accept yourself exactly the way you are right now, which includes acne.
- You accept that you don’t like it and the feelings of pain that it’s causing you.
- You accept that it feels unfair.
- You accept that you are getting the urge to do something about it, perhaps that may not be in your best interest.
- You accept that people you don’t want to notice, may notice your skin, and may think things you don’t want them to think.
- You accept that you feel resistant to accepting all this.
Make it into a game, if you want. Make it a competition with yourself to see how much you can accept.
If you want, you can repeat affirmations to yourself. Just keep saying “I accept ____” and at first it will feel untrue, but the repetition will help your brain to start actually accepting it.
So while acne is never going to feel good, everything is going to feel a lot easier this way.
The more you accept, the more quickly the painful feelings will pass, and the more you are able to just get on with the other areas of your life, and maybe actually enjoy them too.
So How Do I Get Rid of Acne, From a Place of Acceptance?
Now you’ve surrendered and given up the mental fight against what’s happening, the question is… where do you go from here?
Like I said – even if you accept and stop resisting the reality of the situation, it doesn’t mean you’re actually going to like having acne. So it’s still totally reasonable to take action to get rid of it, since luckily, you can get rid of it.
However, accepting the situation will hopefully help you avoid doing and trying unnecessary things that aren’t going to be helpful, or make things worse.
Skin picking, extreme food restriction or control, cancelling work, obsessively looking in the mirror, spending too much time reading about acne.
You will start to notice these things that you want to do, and realize that they are coming out of a place of resistance.
And if you do give in to them, well… you’re human, and then you accept that. You accept that you are flawed.
But What’s Unnecessary and What’s Reasonable When It Comes to Treatments?
Unfortunately deciding what is unnecessary and what is a reasonable course of action to take for your skin can be confusing, and a definite grey area.
Sure, it’s fine to try a new skin care regimen if you think the old one isn’t working, but when do you make that call? How long to give each treatment to determine if it’s working, and how often is too often to switch?
Sure, it’s fine to read and educate yourself about acne, since, well… if you don’t have the education, how can you know what to try? But when does it cross over into unhelpful obsessive behaviour that does no good except make you paranoid?
Sure, it’s fine to try a new diet or eliminate a certain food to see if it helps your skin, but where do you draw the line before you have cut out every food and have nothing to eat and are totally stressed about it?
Honestly, I wish I had the answers, but often it simply comes from experience and intuition.
The acceptance will hopefully allow you to have a little bit more patience with your decisions, and get you more tuned into that intuition.
But the big key thing is this:
Let Go of Expectations
Whatever you decide to try, you gotta let go of the expectations of the outcome.
Generally when you are deciding to try something new for your skin, you start getting extremely attached to your projected outcome.
The projected outcome being that whatever you try works really well, and you never get a zit again, and hail Mary.
And then when it doesn’t work perfectly, or at all, or just doesn’t work fast enough, there is a lot of resistance because we so badly wanted that outcome, and it’s not here, and I HATE THIS AAAGHGGHGHGHGH!!!
But if you try things without the expectation, then you’ll be either pleasantly surprised when it does work, or it’ll be just a heck of a lot easier to accept when it doesn’t.
I’m Saying This From A Place of Knowing…
Truth is, despite everything else having improved in my life, I can’t say the same about my skin.
I happen to be breaking out quite a bit more than usual over the last month-ish and I don’t exactly know why (yes, despite still using Estroblock). So I’m experiencing all this in real time.
All the familiar feelings are cropping up – that punch in the gut when I see another one, that feeling of disappointment, that immediate urge to do something to make it go away, the confusion over the best course of action or whether I should even bother to take any at all.
But I’ve also been practicing everything that I just said above, and it’s 100% true… acceptance can feel difficult, but in the end, it makes everything so much easier.
So right now I’m just sort of being patient and reasonably contemplating what I’m going to do.
Maybe it’ll just clear up, but it’s been going on a while now that they’ve been coming on faster and more numerous than usual … so I do feel like it may be time for action.
Probably be talking all about it next week! See you then!
Cathy says
April 7, 2016 at 5:19 amI can relate to all of this so much and have really been working on being more accepting of everything recently, but especially with not letting my acne control every aspect of my life. It’s hard to not keep going into panic mode when that has been my default for so many years, but the sense of calm that comes with acceptance, is so worth persevering for! Thanks for another great post Tracy 🙂
Tracy Raftl says
April 7, 2016 at 7:23 amHi Cathy! Yes I definitely think when anyone starts playing with this acceptance thing, they’re probably going to end up waffling back and forth between the place of acceptance and the place of resistance quite a bit (myself included). That is until they’ve practiced this enough that the acceptance becomes more of a normal state of being than the panic mode. Anyway – glad you related to this post! I think it’s a pretty important one for everyone suffering with acne
Elina says
April 7, 2016 at 1:30 pmHi Tracy,
You made me think…
For me the problem is, the automatic meaning I make/attach with acne. My thinking becomes very black and white and loose perspective. For example, I have graduated from university, I adopted a homeless dog, I’m generally a friendly and good person…But when I have pimples, suddenly I’m nothing and no-one, just a person with pimples 🙁 Or so I feel, and fear that others (especially men) feel the same way about me too! And that moment I feel, I’m the ONLY person in the universe who has acne/pimples! And all that of course produces bad feelings.
Just typing these words made me see how ridiculous these thoughts are, but many years they have come automatically! So, I think it is important to get this kind of awareness, which hopefully releases the resistance, that it is easier to accept myself/acne.
Thanks again, excellent post! 🙂
Tracy Raftl says
April 7, 2016 at 5:34 pmHi Ellie, thanks for your comment! I think that’s everyone’s problem when it comes to acne, to be honest! Acne is just some spots that don’t inherently mean anything on their own… sure, sometimes it does physically hurt, but pretty much all of the major pain comes from this meaning we give it.
And that meaning for most everyone revolves around what other people will think of us, and then that translates into what we think about ourselves with acne (no good, not worthy etc). For me, most of the pain used to come from feeling unattractive and like no one would love me or pay me any attention if I had bad skin, or that people would think I was a teenager and not take me seriously. Now that I’m a bit older and married to someone who I know doesn’t care, that’s not as much of a concern… but now it’s morphed into feeling embarrassed about acne because I’m afraid people will judge me if I have breakouts, since my business is all about skin and acne!
That’s why I mentioned in the article the part about accepting “that people you don’t want to notice, may notice your skin, and may think things you don’t want them to think”
Truth is, everyone is judging everyone else all the time. Yes, we are being judged for things. Except most of the time it’s not even the things we think we’re being judged for that we’re actually being judged for (because people’s judgments tend to have to do with their own shit (which can vary wildly), and this is something you can’t control). I do think for the most part we completely blow out of proportion how much people are actually noticing our skin and judging us for it.
So whether they are or they aren’t …. most probably aren’t, but the truth is…. some may be. And that is the part that is so hard for us to accept. Because we so so so badly don’t want that to be true. That’s the part that causes us so much pain. So that is also the biggest thing we need to work on accepting.
So yeah. Acceptance ain’t easy, but it’s the first step to making everything easier… is accepting that people might judge you, and accept that you don’t like it. Accept that that makes you feel like a nobody loser if that’s how it makes you feel. And go from there. Try practicing it like a game. Like I said to Cathy above, initially you’ll probably waffle back and forth between acceptance and resistance, but the more you practice, the more you will stay in acceptance.
The next step after accepting everything how it is now, would be to start practicing changing your thoughts. We can’t really help the thoughts that pop into our head, because they are there because of years of conditioning and habit, but we do have the power to somewhat direct them. So when those negative thoughts pop up, which then lead to the negative emotions about yourself, you can recognize them before they lead you down the rabbit hole, accept that they are there, and then you can say to yourself “No. It doesn’t matter what people think, because I love and accept myself” or something similar, and then choose to think about something else. Sure, the negative thoughts might pop up again, but you’ll get better at changing them the more you practice.
LOVE!! xx
Elina says
April 10, 2016 at 8:59 amHi Tracy,
Now when my skin is so much better than in recent years -only about 3-4 isolated, hardly visible, pimples in my face- is it easy to sit peacefully and talk about acceptance 🙂 But when large areas in my face and especially in body were covered in pimples, it was nearly impossible. The feeling and itch was so unbearable 🙁
Something interesting came into my mind. Acne caused me intense shame. But actually, could it be…that I already had some unconscious shame and THAT manifested as acne?! I mean, don’t we all have since childhood, life, all kinds of “stuff”, false beliefs, memories etc. hiding somewhere in the unconscious mind. I don’t know…it’s difficult to know, because of course there can be zillion of other possible reasons/causes for acne also.
Also I thought when you wrote that your skin has been breaking out recently. Everytime when I travel, after that my skin reacts, I get pimples, I’m bloated, my period is late or missing. It’s weird, because travelling in itself is positive, fun, relaxing etc. But anyway it seems to cause some “stress” to the body? Maybe it’s the airplane travelling, different kind of foods, water, sweat, climate…Of course it feels annoying and unfair, why doesn’t my friends and many people I know, react this way…
But I’m ok, skin so much better already 🙂
Thank you for your encouraging words!
Maureen says
April 8, 2016 at 11:05 pmHello! I just found this site and it’s so interesting! I have never, before this year, EVER had issues with my skin. It was clear, perfectly fine. All of the sudden – tons of little bumps have popped up on my forehead and chin! They are very mild, hardly noticeable, but I have a nervous habit of picking at them and making it worse, so I need them to heal ASAP before I make it worse!!
Problem is, my skin is REALLY delicate. It burns in a dark cave, and even the gentlest acne creams cause my skin to break into a rash. Or worse, it causes more acne!
Do you have any super gentle skin healing suggestions? Preferably not too many strange “ingredients”… I don’t want to cause work for my parents in the process of finding it. I’m 13, so I can’t exactly drive out and get anything.
Thanks a ton!
Maureen
(P.S., I asked this on an older post but was afraid you wouldn’t see it! And today, a few more scabs popped up 🙁 stupid nervous habits… Thanks and have a nice day!)
Tracy Raftl says
April 9, 2016 at 6:29 amHi Maureen! Sorry to hear your skin is freaking out. First step? Acceptance 😉
Use raw honey to wash your face (a smooth kind, not with granules). Afterwards use two drops of good quality jojoba oil massaged into damp skin. No picking at your skin, it will make it so much worse!
saanchi says
April 11, 2016 at 11:19 pmHi tracy !! 🙂 such a wonderful article
so acceptance ?that sounds so much difficult when you just cant do that but i really feel like i have started accepting it and surprisingly i was thinking about the same ( acceptance) and today saw your article ! u go lady !! wonderful <3
but i have a question because of which i am extremely torn out whether let it go or still keep working on my skin cuz now u feel like its too much ! i am presently 15 ( i knw nt that much ) still it hurts sometimes ! i have been getting acne since i was 13 or so . and fortunately i am going all natural since then . no pills or harsh chemicals ! but i was just reading ur articles since a couple of days so here i have come with some question :
1) DIM : is it advisable for me to take it at just 15 ?
2) i have heard from my parents and relatives that stop worrying they'll automatically go after your teenage ! is this thing true ?
3) i have only cheek acne and currently using a mild topical cream . any suggestions for cheek acne ? and the causes ?
4) is it possible to eliminate this stuff (acne) before teenage ? or no matter what i do , they just wont go away before teenage is over ??
Kindly reflect your thoughts and anwers to these popping questions in my mind . It would be a huge help
Thankyou 🙂
once again this article was super amazing (y)
saanchi says
April 12, 2016 at 9:24 amhi tracy 🙂
i have a great news !!!! finally i got the reason for my acne ! thats high androgen levels .. but sadly no idea how to actually treat them . and let me tell you my age . i am 14 ( teenager 🙁 ) some of my symptoms include :
1) acne ofcourse
2) some two to three hair on my chin ( big one )
3) high hair growth on the upper lip
4) irregular menstruation ( it often comes before 7-10 days before the date )
So kindly reflect your thoughts for this . I really feel like am taking face to face to you i dnt knw why ! u r such a pure soul !! love you <3 <3
hey dont forget to suggest me the cure for high androgen levels !
Thankyou
With love 🙂
Nicole says
April 12, 2016 at 1:23 pmJust thought I share something that I have read about acceptance. You cannot force yourself to accept situations that you are in. This is okay if you cannot accept acne, illness of you or someone you love, or even death. Just accept that you do not accept. It takes some of the burden off and gives you more freedom to how you are feeling. We all have a right to feel what we need to feel in this moment as long as we do not identify it as who we are.
One thing about bad thoughts is that the ego loves that we fear it. The more we fear the mind, the more stories it will make. Let the thoughts come. Do not fight it but watch it like you would a movie. Try to laugh at the thoughts, if possible. Do not believe in them or make them who you are. The mind is a machine that likes to play. If it pulls you in that is okay, because your awareness of it is enough.
Right now I do not accept acne but right now I am accepting that I do not accept acne. 🙂
Elina says
April 13, 2016 at 3:25 amHi Nicole,
I had never thought about this acceptance thing before this post…My native language is not english, but I think it is different thing to accept or approve. We can accept things (like acne) that we would never approve!
I read this quote somewhere “don’t waste energy resisting that “what is” “. Maybe that’s what acceptance is?
I had acne more than 10 years. No way “accepting” it/myself, I just wanted to shed my whole skin like a snake! 🙁
Before I found Lovevitamin website (aww, that felt like heaven sent!) I had already given up hope, somehow had become numb, silently, unconsciously “agreeded”, that I will live the rest of my life like this, half-live, feeling uneasy, ashamed. I think that is not acceptance, acceptance should be like empowering, but I felt like a victim.
I think for me the “breakthrough” and biggest shift, what I have learned from Tracy…is to indeed become more empowered. I used to be like “I hate this acne”, “I hate myself”…but now I see acne as something, that my body is trying to tell me and learned to ask myself more empowering questions, like is there something I need to change in my diet? Is there a cosmetic product that is irritating me? etc. I mean, shift the focus from hating myself to taking care of myself!
There was a time when my entire back and chest was covered with pimples. Now, I only see randomly a couple. Everyone has hope! 😀
Tracy Raftl says
April 13, 2016 at 7:53 amHi Nicole, thanks for your comment 🙂
I think we’re talking about the same thing, but it sounds like you are still equating ‘accepting’ with ‘liking it’, which is what I’m trying to differentiate between. Acceptance doesn’t mean liking it – I agree that you can’t force yourself to like having acne, or an illness, or a loved one dying. You will never like that. But you can still accept (ie stop mentally fighting / resisting) the reality of what’s happening (or has happened). And what is happening is that you have acne and you don’t like it. So you accept that acne is a thing you have and you accept that you don’t like it. It sounds like that’s where you’re at, right?
saanchi says
April 13, 2016 at 8:08 amhi tracy 🙂
i expected some suggestions from you for my above post . i really need ur help
Tracy Raftl says
April 13, 2016 at 8:27 amHi Saanchi, I was just about to reply..
So, it sounds like you might have PCOS… the most effective way to treat high androgen acne and PCOS are to avoid dairy and sugar, and even keep natural sugars to a minimum, keep your blood sugar levels steady throughout the day (so make sure you have 3 square low glycemic meals and some snacks), and make sure you are getting regular exercise that includes some strength training. This is effective for teenage acne too, teenagers can definitely keep their acne under control with lifestyle changes like this. As for whether it will magically go away when you turn 18? For most boys this is the case, for women.. unfortunately it’s no guarantee.
Supplements are trickier though… DIM, saw palmetto, berberine, D-inositol all could be possible ones I would recommend looking into if you were older, but your age is a grey area and I don’t know if they are ok for someone younger than, say, 17. The best thing to do would be check with a naturopath about supplement options, if you can’t do that, then perhaps calling the manufacturer of a given supplement and asking their opinion.
RM says
April 14, 2016 at 10:06 amThis really resonates with me, I really needed this today. It’s SO exhausting going to battle with your face every day and trying to resist something when you just want to live life carefree and not worry about your skin! It’s so hard but I think you’re spot on (no pun intended…!), what you resist persists. I have tried everything under the sun as well, and I definitely don’t feel ready to accept that acne is a part of me. But I realize on some level that I have to be ok with what is before any real change (physical or emotional) can happen. Thanks Tracy!
Tracy Raftl says
April 14, 2016 at 12:44 pmHi RM! Honestly… I think this is one of the most important articles on my entire site. But the advice here will probably for the most part be completely ignored. So I’m really glad you got something big out of it 🙂
Michelle says
May 19, 2016 at 11:25 amEven if I do get a small breakout here and there, it’s still 10 billion times better than my skin situation before I changed my diet and got healthy. Helps to think of the big picture!
Charlotte says
June 1, 2016 at 6:49 pmHi Tracy!
It’s been a while since I have visited your awesome website, but I’m back! You have so many incredible articles up! Hope you are doing well. I have definitely found that accepting my skin the way it is has helped it heal, and has helped me. I have also found a way to healthily accept my skin the way it is, but still want it to get better. I think about it like this: My skin is this way now, but it may just be like that because I’m just not taking care of my body and mind. I often spend a bit of time envisioning my skin get clear, smooth, supple, and soft. I think about that image in my head every day, and I have found it to help A LOOOT!
On a side note, For my birthday in May, I got myself a sort of gourmet skincare bundle. It’s from a brand called Living Libations that is actually based out of Canada, and sells really pure natural oils/chocolate/deodorant/body care products. I am not really much of a sucker for buying tons of skincare products, and have really been working on accepting my skin the way it is, but I decided to try this brand out for a couple of reasons. 1 – it had really good reviews and is very natural 2- I still had a bunch of bumps on my forehead, felt mentally healthy and happy, and was eating fine, so I wanted to try something different.
So anyway, I tried it out, and it worked wonders. It is a bit pricey (60$ for the bundle which includes a free face cloth, an essential oil spot treatment, and a jojoba based 50ml facial oil). The bundle is called the blemish bundle, but you can also buy the products in it separately.
Anyway, this is the first thing that has brought my literally centimeters away from clear skin (haha this sounds like a commercial now 🙂 ) I have a few black heads and bumps left, but overall my skin is glowing! It wasn’t even this good when I was using just jojoba, frankincense/lavender essential oil, and water!
Ahh, this is getting long. I wanted to mention something else before I let this message fly, though. I occasionally supplement with evening primrose oil, and a wild yam tincture. These two are great for naturally balancing hormones, and I don’t use them excessively – I just supplement with them a few times a week. I sometimes go off of it, and try to let me body balance itself out.
Lauren says
September 23, 2016 at 9:56 amThank you for this article. I can relate on SO many levels. It is amazing the resistance you can get from acne and NEEDING to do something about it. I never really reflected on the fact that picking and squeezing COULD possibly be from trying to control (a little too much) the situation/feeling associated with arising pimples instead of the pimples themselves. I have left terrible dents in my chin from this ‘resistance’ and your article really helped me think about acceptance more. Yes it will be hard but at least it struck a cord with me that acceptance COULD be easier on me than this depression I feel at the moment. Thanks again…
Tracy Raftl says
October 2, 2016 at 12:06 pmHi Lauren, I’m really happy this article resonated with you. I think it’s a really important one!