Could you ever truly love the person behind the acne?
A while ago, I received a really amazing email from a lady named Sera about this very subject.
If you’re signed up to my newsletter, you may have already received an email that I have sent out about how to stop staring in the mirror so much. In it, it describes the extra pain and suffering we are causing ourselves by continuing to examine our skin at every possible opportunity. It then goes on to describe ways in which you can break the habit. One idea is to simply get rid of your mirrors.
However, Sera replied to this email with some insights on why simply avoiding the mirror may not hold all the solutions. And I think that she’s onto something. In fact, it reminds me a lot about this post I wrote recently about accepting your anxieties.
Please take a look at what she wrote:
Hi Tracy!
I really liked this post and thought I’d add one idea to it.
Some time ago I made a discovery (based on your main idea that stress = acne) about my internal dialog when it comes to facing the mirror. Although we can just ignore the mirror altogether in the hopes that we don’t stress as much about our acne, that doesn’t really solve the problem of feeling miserable when we look at ourselves eventually – it just prolongs it.
So how do we address the REAL issue of feeling miserable while looking at ourselves in the mirror and only seeing acne? How do we eliminate the stress of seeing yet another spot of red on our face?
The answer I found really changed things around for me (and I owe this discovery in part to you!).
The problem is, we look at ourselves and think the opposite of what we want to think about ourselves. We look at ourselves and think we look terrible, or that we aren’t beautiful, or we aren’t lovable, or one hundred other miserable stories. These stories tend to run our lives and have us racing ourselves to the mirror to get the latest update on the most recent acne.
So! The discovery I made was this: Love the acne.
I know it’s gonna sound a bit crazy at first, but honestly, ignoring the problem and imagining life without it just makes it worse when you go back to the mirror eventually and see how much acne you still have. So what needs to happen is a sort of “understanding” of the acne, or really, of the person behind the acne, because the more you understand something, the more you love it.
The thing is, you need to look at yourself in the mirror, and really see the person who’s hurting, who’s been telling them-self they are ugly and unworthy of love, because really and simply, that person just wants to be loved. So that’s what we do. We give that person love.
And how do we give that person love?
Imagine for a moment the feeling of having someone you trust, look directly into your eyes and tell you they love everything about you. Or imagine someone kissing each spot of acne on your face, and telling you they love the flawed and beautiful you, exactly as you are. THAT’S the feeling you want to have when you look in the mirror. One of gratitude that someone could love you THAT much; a feeling of acceptance for who you are; compassion for the hurting person you see in the mirror every day. That kind of feeling is the OPPOSITE of stress – which is the opposite of acne!
So really, in the end what it comes down to, is accepting your own feelings and showing compassion for yourself. And I don’t mean you in particular, Tracy, but just a general “you” to each of us who fight it.
I think we need to accept the feelings we have about ourselves and tell ourselves it’s ok to feel the feelings of fear, rejection, loneliness or worry because those feelings are there for a reason. These feelings are there to tell us something, and if we can accept them instead of fight them, we are a good step closer to living a happier life – and totally, finally free of acne!
Love from a distant fan,
Sera
Watch this Article in Video Form
What do you think? Could you ever learn to love the person behind the acne?
Kim says
October 9, 2012 at 7:38 pmAwww (tears*)
This is so very touching Tracy!.. I have actually thought of a theory kind of similar to that.. Which would be every time i looked in the mirror and if i had a new breakout or just a bad depressing acne day, i could train myself to smile and be excited about every new zit!! Yay i have a new one!! Im winning.. Lol.. My fave is special and im priveleged to have something no other person has just like me! Lol,, it sounds so phony, but im working on convincing myself to accept it.. Maybe ill start tomrw..
Someone once told me having acne means your still young and your body is still functiong and producing lubricating oils and all dry and withered yet!!
Thanks for sharing Tracy,**
much love
Tracy says
October 9, 2012 at 8:46 pmLol – yes, reading that sounds so sarcastic and funny… but I think there’s something to that .. I can totally see it working!
Reframing how we think about things can make a huge difference… half the misery with acne may be the fearful expectation about it. If we reframe that in our heads, no matter how fake it seems in the beginning… if you fake it till you make it, perhaps you will be able to change your brain to the point where a zit doesn’t bother you… I’m going to try this. Thanks Kim
Kim says
October 10, 2012 at 12:32 pmLol.. I like that… “fake it till you make it!” yay we can do it together! Have you tried doing any of this yet?
Tracy says
October 10, 2012 at 12:56 pmNope, not yet but that’s because my skin has been very good lately! But the next time I get a pimple, I’m going to try pretending I’m excited about it and see what effect it has on my mood. Apparently there is scientific evidence that changing your body language to something more positive (and probably the way you talk to yourself, as well), like smiling when you don’t feel like it, actually causes your emotions to follow suit to match the body language… here’s an article: http://www.acneeinstein.com/abolish-acne-anxiety-with-this-weird-theory-of-emotion/
Sampson says
October 9, 2012 at 7:55 pmTracy, do you feel that a person can be truly happy without having some significant degree of spiritual enlightenment? I think the “simpler” someone is, the more life’s inconveniences would get them down, whereas someone that works on the physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of health can better cope with something like a breakout.
Tracy says
October 9, 2012 at 8:40 pmHi Sampson – hmm I don’t know. That’s an interesting question, but I think it’s hard to answer since everyone’s experiences in this world are so individual! But I suppose you have a point though for the majority of people – if someone is working on all areas of themselves – physical, emotional, and spiritual – then they are working to find balance. Perhaps if you’re leaving one or more out (spirituality probably being the one most likely to get left out), that balance will never come
elle says
October 9, 2012 at 8:16 pmI’ve gotta say, being a teenage girl, this seems totally and completely idealistic. I know I could never LOVE the acne because of the million different people/things pushing the idea into my head that it’s not beautiful or loveable or anything, whether it’s my parents, my friends, my classmates, the media…Another thing that doesn’t make me super happy is the fact that acne is referred to as a flaw. I think that we need to think of acne as just a thing, not a flaw. A thing that lots of people get and that is not seen as something that takes away from our general beauty.
Tracy says
October 9, 2012 at 8:37 pmHi Elle –
Yes, for sure – I don’t think anyone is ever going to truly love getting acne or anything – and I too wish it wasn’t perceived as a flaw – but we can learn to love and understand the person in the mirror that is hurting because once we do that, we can see past the acne when we look in the mirror – and maybe it won’t hurt as much or bother us as much
Toad says
October 10, 2012 at 3:38 amYes! This is spot on.
As of August 6, I’m allergic to the cold. Yes it’s real. Google cold urticaria. That’s me. I get hives when I break out.
Im in Michigan and its getting cold. Most people would say that this allergy sucks. They would get stressed out often and beyond frustrated.
I’ve decided to take a different approach. I’ve decided to call it one of the best blessings ever. I’m flying down to Austin, Texas on October 17 and have neer been more stoked on my life. I’ll be living there for 33 nights. If I was not allergic to the cold them I would not be flying there!
I just decided to do something about my health issue. I’ve decided to become more conscious about my body. I’ve decided to get more sleep. I’ve decided to slow down more and relax and chill out. I’ve decided to food journal on a daily basis. I’ve decided to becbecided to become more in tune with my body more than ever because I want to heal myself. I want to be able to help the millions who are “suffering” through what I have as well.
And you know what? What I have can be annoying. Trust me. 3 days ago I tried to rake leaves. I started with lots of layers but got sweaty right away so I took lots off. I ended up getting hives and was itchy the whole time. It was not terrible but yea…
This tells me that I really have to avoid the cold. I have the best excuse anyone could ever have!
I could go on and on. If you have acne then look for it as an opportunity to learn more about yourself. Use it as an excuse to get more sleep, slow down, do what you love, spending time with people you love, eating food that makes YOU feel awesome and to sunbathe just before you get burned. It’s a blessing that you have acne because, well, would you rather have cold urticaria or, worse yet, cancer?
Tracy says
October 10, 2012 at 12:44 pmSorry to hear you have such a sucky allergy Toad – but that you’re staying positive about it! Good for you 🙂 Hope you enjoy your time in Austin
Toad says
October 13, 2012 at 3:16 am🙂
Mark says
October 15, 2012 at 12:52 pmI had cancer, survived it, and I still have acne…acne is worse than cancer, believe me…so don’t make comparisons about things you don’t know my friend:D
TB says
October 10, 2012 at 4:58 amThis is very true! i had severe acne for years and then finally got clear naturally. then an episode of events happened and my entire face was once again covered in red inflamed, deep acne. The first time around i always denied that i had acne and always pretended no one noticed even when i heard rude comments. but in a way…as angry and hurt that i was for attaining this acne again..i am thankful. Because this time around i learned to fully acknowledge that its here, i talk about it with my family and friends, im unafraid to break down in tears about it in front of people, i fearlessly wear light make up even when i know everyone will see this flaw, and when i look in the mirror i just take a breathe and tell myself how much i love me with clear skin and how much i love myself with acne because either way it will not change the person i really am. ive heard people say what happened to your face? and act like im diseased and contagious or something. while it makes me feel like crying, im just like uhm yea. its acne, so what!!?? and i see myself heal more and more each day. things can only get better if you love yourself regardless 🙂
Tracy says
October 10, 2012 at 12:58 pmThis is beautiful! Thanks for sharing this TB 🙂
Laura says
October 12, 2012 at 4:29 amPeople are so rude 🙁
I’m glad you’re taking such a free and confident approach and that it’s working for you, very inspiring 🙂
TB says
October 12, 2012 at 5:31 amthanks for the support guys:) i think after suffering emotionally for long enough, you learn a few things about the development of inner love, when you realize how shallow and artificial people are. why would i want to be around people that only like me if i’m beautiful on the outside? i think true love comes from the vibrational attitude that you emit which is why animals would never treat you differently for how you look…but based on the energy you release to them. Rude people havent learned this yet…but they still have lifetimes to go even if they dont figure it out in this one. just my thoughts…but anyways, what should always come first is the energy force of love that you give to yourself.
k says
October 10, 2012 at 5:13 pmHI tracy!
I was wondering if you have ever tried acupuncture for skin problems? I’m interested not only because of my skin issues (mostly i don’t have acne but have developed really blotchy red skin especially in my T-Zone/ central face and I cannot pinpoint why) but because I also have anxiety and tend to stress often. I read your article about raki so was wondering if you have ever tried other non-western techniques like acupuncture for skin/stress related issues
Tracy says
October 11, 2012 at 9:00 amNo I haven’t but I’ve always kind of wanted to try acupuncture for this issue
Rose says
August 15, 2014 at 6:07 amHi Nikki
I had acupuncture for my Psoraisis when i was about 6/7. It was a slow process and can be expensive depending on how many treatments you have, but i saw results and i remember it being really relaxing – i often used to fall asleep. The needles can be a bit scary at first but you get used to it and I’ve always found theres a really calming energy in the clinics i have been to which helps with feeling anxious.
I’ve also recently tried cupping and Chinese herbs for my acne. Cupping is where they place small heated round jars on your back which they leave on for around 15 minutes. You are left with bruising but this fades and are a result of toxins being eliminated from the body. Both worked for me but it was getting too expensive so i stopped.
I think the idea behind chinese medicine is to rebalance the bodies energy so that it flows easily and effectively.
I have also had reiki in the past for stress and anxiety. I find the experience uplifting and relaxing. Like chinese medicine Reiki creates a harmonic flow of energy with the aim of releasing blocks or restrictions of energy and creating balance.
I think either would be good for stress/anxiety, i can’t be sure about Reiki for skin problems as I’ve never tried it for that. I can only say what has worked for me but its worth a shot.
wishing you luck in finding something that helps.
NIkki says
October 11, 2012 at 5:31 amI wonder what the correlation is of ladies(or guys) with an acne problem and deadbeat fathers(or mothers)/unloving,unaccepting parents.
TB says
October 11, 2012 at 6:01 amhi Nikki, this sparked me to bring up my highly dysfunctional and abusive family when i had my acne at its worse. I never at the time since i was in middle school thought that it was linked. but since i moved to a different location, and had a few years of healing i began to have much clearer skin. so who knows, maybe it was a way of me telling myself to breakout as a way of trying to make myself as ugly as they made me feel. When my acne came back, it was a time with a rough relationship with a bf who never made me feel liek i could meet his expectations. so i think your notion is very relevant and should be looked into!
Tracy says
October 11, 2012 at 9:03 amYes! I have said many times around my site is that when my acne was bad, I was with someone that brought out a lot of self love issues in myself because I couldn’t meet his expectations. I firmly believe that and the bad acne breakout were related
sarah says
October 11, 2012 at 7:07 pmi believe there is a huge correlation. If you think about it, growing up with deadbeat parents or parents that don’t show you enough love, the unloved child will grow up as an adult who probably won’t have enough self love. If you don’t love yourself fully, it’s hard to accept your imperfections, which i think in turn can create the very thing you don’t want. I believe not enough self love has to do with many conditions, and it just shows up through your skin, weight, ect. Although I am not saying thats the only reason for acne.
Adel-Alexander says
October 19, 2012 at 6:13 amYou’re right.. In many ways. I always felt like, my childhood was never like my other friend’s were. Because of my parents were always busy with their work but also because if I didn’t obey while I was a kid they would occasionally slap me if I didn’t do as they said my family is pretty old-fashioned.. That’s one of the reasons why they did it at that time.. and by the time they managed to sort out the heavy work out.. I grew too old to be spending time playing with my parents on a playground and thus I realized that.. I never truly felt like my childhood was good enough compared to my other friends, even though my parents would always buy me expensive toys and games.. I just didn’t feel the love through that. That resulted in a lot of depression and hate towards my parents when I turned 13 and up ’til I was 16 and I suffered from acne, not a lot but I would always get 1 big spot here and there.. And it would always be inflamed. I’m 17 now, and even though I kinda accepted the fact that my parents didn’t have time for me back then. I’m trying to focus on my life in the present and not dwell too much in the past. And my relationship with my parents? Well, I’m not really around my parents that much because they do– to some degree, stress me a bit in fact, 9/10 times I’m always angry because of my parents.
I recently got into a huge fight with them and.. Surprisingly, I’m not angry at them at all because I came out with most of my bottled-up emotions so I don’t think my acne got worse or anything.. Right now we’re trying to.. sort out this mess that came out of the fight but I’m okay. And my acne is slowly healing which is a good thing. Right now, I just can’t wait ’til I move out and then I think I’ll get rid of this stress related issue for good.
Nikki says
October 11, 2012 at 4:01 pmI’m glad I am not the only one who has found that connect…I am really trying at this moment in time to rid myself of bitterness I am harboring for other people too.. soooo must be why i have broken out lately. a mind detox… haha that sounds weird
Katie says
July 16, 2013 at 9:09 amThis made me tear up. It also made me realize that don’t think that anyone, including my husband!, can love me or think I’m beautiful with acne. So apparently my self-worth is significantly tied to the number of red spots on my face.
Tracy says
July 17, 2013 at 9:45 pmLife with acne can be so debilitating in so many ways, sending you so much love Katie xox
Tiffany says
September 12, 2013 at 8:35 amTracy,
Thanks so much for this site! I stumbled across it yesterday and whoa..I am not alone! You and so many others “get me” I just want to be happy with me and I’m so grateful that I found you. I’m on a journey of self love instead of the self loathing I’ve been doing the last 2 years. Thank you. Thank you.
Tracy says
September 12, 2013 at 9:57 pmNope, you’re not alone Tiffany 🙂 Sending you love xo
Rose says
August 15, 2014 at 6:16 amHi Tracy
I never comment on blogs but i feel that i have finally found one that has given me hope and I’m so glad i stumbled across it. It’s such a relief to hear and read your thoughts, experience and advice on living with acne and to be able to have you and others who can identify with how I’m feeling.
BIG BIG Thank you for creating your website and sharing such valuable information, its going to help me lots on my road to self healing! xx
Tracy Raftl says
August 15, 2014 at 8:41 amHey Rose, that’s great – I’m very honoured that my blog received your first ever blog comment… 🙂 And I’m so happy to have given you hope, good luck on your journey, we’re here for you!
loverosie says
December 12, 2014 at 5:14 amHi,tracy! I just found your blog and reading your journey has inspired me. No more self loathing! Gonna accept all the acnes.