Loving ourselves is one the most important things we can possibly do to improve our quality of life. So much of our lives we spend hating ourselves – picking apart our every flaw, comparing ourselves to others, and wishing we were different.
It’s not really our faults. We get our messages about self esteem from our parents, and a huge chunk of it from popular media (and this is by design. The worse we feel about ourselves, the more money companies make by selling us clothes and products to make us more “beautiful”)
However, being constantly down on yourself is a major happiness sucker, and an extreme source of stress. Plus, it makes you very vulnerable to criticism and what other people think about you (and no matter who you are, you can’t please everyone, so this is a very fragile state to live in). Most people don’t really realize what a big deal having low self esteem really is. Probably because low self esteem has become normalized – it’s a pretty damn common occurrence in this day and age!
Think about it this way – when you hate yourself, you treat yourself the way you would an enemy. You might call that person names (at least in your head). You might make fun of that person when they fail, or if they are in any way “different” from others. And you would never do anything nice for that person, lest it make him feel good.
No way!
Now turn that around – how does it feel when you are someone’s enemy?
Sucks, doesn’t it? It’s incredibly stressful.
This constant influx of negative energy is not good for your health and happiness (and it’s really not good for your skin either, since stress is a major cause, or at least aggravator, of acne).
But, How Do You Actually Start Loving Yourself? What Do You Actually Do?
Well, the first thing you must do is start listening to your own thoughts. Your thoughts are not who you are – there’s your thinking self, and your observing self (this part is the part of you that is there between the thoughts).
With your observing self, simply notice what you say to yourself. Try to catch yourself in negativity, and ask yourself:
“Would I say this to a friend that I loved, or be this judgmental of them?”
If the answer is no, then stop. Stop and say something nice to yourself instead. Think of something that you really like about yourself, and just go “You know, I’m the best ski jumper in town. And I have great hair. And I think I’m pretty dang cool sometimes too.”
The way I like to think about loving yourself is simply treating yourself (and thinking of yourself) the way you’d treat someone else that you loved. It’s a very simple concept. You’d never want that person you loved to be treated so badly, or judged so harshly. Their feelings would be so hurt!
That being said, let me make this distinction, because you might think “yeah, but I still kinda judge my friends. I notice their flaws”. Yes, you might notice flaws, but you don’t really care that much. If your friend had acne, or wrinkles, or cellulite, or they happened to be a little obnoxious when they had one too many to drink, or if they weren’t that good at public speaking- you’d accept them as is, despite any of that.
To me, this is the essence of what “loving and accepting yourself” means. You do have flaws (you don’t have to deny that – although what actually counts as “flaws” is pretty subjective), and you’re never going to be everyone’s cup of tea (and as a perfectionist myself, I find that hard to swallow), but to someone who loves you, your flaws just don’t really matter that much.
Be someone who loves you.
Do Things For Yourself That Make You Feel Rad, Not Bad
The next thing you can do to start loving yourself is actually tons of fun.
You just start taking time (plenty of regular time) to do things that make you feel lovely and awesome and beautiful and fabulous and full of fuzzy goodness. Because you are worth spending time on!
The thing is, if you feel yucky on the inside, you will see the world as yucky too. And your thoughts will make it so – it’s rare that someone without self love does fabulous and happy things for themselves, because they don’t feel they are worth making happy. It’s a prophecy that self fulfills. (Note: This is probably one of the biggest reasons people can’t get motivated to change their lifestyle and really make a go of treating their acne naturally, or losing weight, or saving money to travel, or quitting their job and starting a business, or to do whatever they really want to do – they don’t love themselves enough to feel they are worth putting the effort in for).
However, most people still find that it feels great when someone else spends time on them and lavishes them with gifts and surprises and loveliness – it certainly does makes you feel loved – so doing that for yourself fosters your own self love. Once you’ve got some of that, it will be easier to tackle your big goals and dreams.
So anyway – what can you do in order to make yourself feel fabulous?
Well, this is very individual. What works for one won’t work for another. Maybe painting your nails makes you feel like a goddess. To me, I couldn’t care less about painting my nails. So you have to choose what you like!
Wear gumboots and a tutu on a swing, if that’s what floats your boat
Use these things to make a list – a list of all the things you can do that make you feel loved. And these are things that should not depend on you having another person with you. You don’t have to do these things alone, but you should be willing to or it doesn’t really count!
Some examples could be:
- Buying a new shirt that you’ve have had your eye on for a while
- Taking luxurious bubble baths
- Making a playlist of your favourite feel good tunes and singing along at the top of your lungs while home alone or in the car
- Make a really fancy and delicious dinner for yourself with all the trimmings
- Buying lingerie for yourself
- Renting or going to see that movie you really want to see but don’t know who to watch it with
- Going to a spa or giving yourself the spa treatment at home
- Buying art supplies and getting creative
- Finally ordering that book you really want to read
- Making a scrumptious healthy dessert for yourself
- Paying to go get a professional massage
- Going out dancing
- Making plans to go on a weekend trip to somewhere special or new
- Finally enrolling in a class you’ve been interested in
There’s so many things – those just came off the top of my head! So get creative!
Isn’t Loving Yourself Selfish?
I know, it sounds selfish. We are reminded of divas on TV who must have her way, and a yacht, and 20 diamond necklaces, and doesn’t care who stands in her path to get them.
It’s not like that at all.
Yeah. I’m gorgeous. So what.
It simply means that when it comes to your energy, you put yourself first. If you are constantly giving to others without spending any time on yourself, or waiting for someone else to fill you up with love and satisfaction without doing it for yourself, your energy is going to be zapped right out. Which means that you will end up sucking it from others or giving off mega bad vibes.
Loving and respecting yourself and your own abilities leads you to having more respect for others, a more positive attitude about others, leaves your heart open to care for others, allows you to pursue passions that inspire others, and it just generally makes you a happier, kinder, and calmer person.
Honestly, NOT loving yourself is more selfish!
I always like to think about those warnings on airplanes that say “In an emergency, the oxygen masks will be deployed. You must put your mask on first, and then you can help others around you”. The point being is that if you pass out because you didn’t put yourself first, then you are really no good for helping anyone else with their needs. I think that says it all!
Plus, it’s not like you have to go around announcing to the world that “I LOVE MYSELF” (although you can do that if you want! And I would suggest actually verbalizing it to your children if you have them). You can keep it quiet and just let it shine through silently. People will pick up the vibe and be drawn to it.
Self Love: You Gotta Work At It
Self love isn’t going to magically appear one day after you read this article. You do have to work at it, especially if you have a long history of un-self love and self abuse. But if you set the intention and send it out there, and really dedicate yourself to making changes in this department, you can get there!
Watch Me Talk About Self Love in Video
Do you have any suggestions about how to get on the self love train? What’s on your “love list”?
Drea says
November 26, 2012 at 5:38 pmThis is such a great article. When I got acne I got that feeling like everyones looking at me and it really lowered my self-esteem. However, I realized that doing less and not caring about it really lets you let go and have more fun and that relaxation is key.
On that note, because I need to ask, I know that it is probably better to do less for your skin so that it can heal, but can doing masks and stuff hinder your face from progressing? I cleanse my face naturally and only once every night. A while back, I had a period where I felt really bad about my “detox breakout” and tried to cleanse the crap out of my face (I know…bad move on my part) and now I am a little afraid to have a simple honey mask because I think doing too much might come back to haunt me. What is your thought on that?
Tracy says
November 27, 2012 at 12:12 pmHi Drea!
So you have found that doing more to your face results in more acne? Well then, I say just do nothing, or the least you can do… you know I’m all for that! if you are worried about doing a honey mask, don’t do it 🙂
Drea says
November 27, 2012 at 3:07 pmok thank you, and thanks for all the inspiration you give 😀
Kat says
November 26, 2012 at 9:40 pmWow. Great post! This is the exact concept i have used in the past when i have had a low self esteem! It truly does work. When i first started doing it i would still judge myself out of habit sometimes. But then i would catch myself doing it and i would make it a point to rethink my last thought. I would be much more understanding the second time around. And eventually that negative self talk disappeared completely. And now i am not only a kind and loving friend to myself but i am a great person to other people as well.
I am so glad you wrote an article on this so that more people will learn about it! Thank you!
Tracy says
November 27, 2012 at 12:13 pmHey Kat, that’s awesome to hear that making a point to work on your self love has made a real difference in your life. 🙂 Yay!
Jae says
November 26, 2012 at 10:16 pmThanks for this encouraging post! I’m relatively new to your site, and I’m just starting to get what you’re putting out there. As for this post, I recently have been kinder to myself. If you asked anybody who knows me what I am like, the first things you’d hear are, “Cynical and impossible to please.” I actually got this from a close friend of mine last week. That really turned my head. So I’ve tried to stop bullying myself just because I have acne. “I” have “acne.” The two aren’t synonymous anymore.
Today, I had a great musical performance that I would never have pulled off a month ago simply because I’ve been trying to feel well about every aspect of myself. Normally, I look down instead of at my audience and wow, I really believe my self-enjoyment and disconnection from my acne convinced my listeners to look past my face. That was a first in several years for me.
Also, maybe this is just me, but one more thing to do when you are just treating yourself well is to eat. I used to think eating food was just feeding a big, walking pimple. Now my acne is actually healing faster because I’ve reintroduced a normal caloric intake. (I went from eating every two or three days to eating every day). Sorry if this is obvious to everyone else, but I’m guessing that my scars and acne take years to fade because I simply haven’t had enough energy to heal myself? Does this make sense?
Thanks!
Tracy says
November 27, 2012 at 12:23 pmHi Jae!
That’s wonderful to hear that you saw first hand that feeling disconnected from the acne and our insecurities and letting them fall aside really has the same effect on others – the more we are focused on our own flaws, the more other people see it, because the unconfident vibe will be predominant. If we treat ourselves well and look past our own flaws, other people will too – just like you saw in your musical performance!
Also, yes! Eating food regularly is very very important – this is a very good point. The less food you eat, the fewer nutrients you get, and you’re right – the less energy you have to heal! Thanks for pointing that out. I know that having acne can put us in this mindset of being afraid of food, but it’s really not a good idea
Annie says
November 28, 2012 at 1:34 pmHi, Tracy! I’ve been a reader for quite some time now. I think your journey has been totally awesome, an I’m amazed at how much you’ve been able to accomplish.
Meditation has helped me a ton with loving myself, especially when I listen to binaural beats music- totally makes me zen out! I’ve noticed my skin has gotten a lot better from it, too.
It’s so sad when society has twisted our view of ourselves to where we can’t love ourselves anymore. We need more people out there like you who know how to love yourself and help others love themselves!
Thanks so much for all you do!
Tracy says
November 28, 2012 at 6:09 pmHi Annie, thanks for coming out of the woodworks 😀 I’m glad to hear meditation has had such a positive effect on your self love, and your skin. Love hearing that!
Erica says
November 27, 2012 at 7:12 amThis is a wonderful article! It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, over the past couple of months. Loving yourself is so important! And it does require practice, absolutely. I’ve never considered that before.
It is really tough to get started though, because the whole world seems to tell us that loving ourselves is selfish and bad. Articles like this help people see that this is a lie.
What really helped me is going to Zen meditation. Learning to observe my thought- and seeing that is is just a thought and chosin to let it go.
Tracy says
November 27, 2012 at 12:26 pmHi Erica,
I know, it is really hard when loving yourself is made to seem like a selfish thing… it’s really too bad! And yes, meditation can make a big difference… you don’t really realize how many thoughts you have and how many are destructive until you learn to sit back and observe them!
Jordan says
November 27, 2012 at 12:55 pmThis article nearly brought me to tears. I didn’t realize how much I hated myself for my skin being bad. This article made me think about whether I hated myself or not, and when I did, it hit me in the heart so hard. I wasn’t aware of the pain I cause myself. I would never be this mean to my family and friends that I love if they had acne.
Tracy says
November 27, 2012 at 8:07 pmAw, I’m glad it was so moving. If it hits you that hard, you know it’s something that needs to be worked on. Good luck with your journey to self love, Jordan! I’m sending my love to help you!
Nathan says
November 27, 2012 at 1:07 pmFor anyone in the UK, there was recently a program on BBC3 about body image and the media and how they make us feel (or not). It’s called “Free Speech” and “Inside the body beautiful”. There was also someone who had severe acne and he had countless products. He also mentioned how acne chances peoples’ lives… I could not agree more.
This is such an important blog post Tracy, I think that if you was on this program, you could help thousands of people to understand how we perceive ourselves and how the media affects that.
Thank you for being here, I say it after most of my comments, but you truly helped shaped who I am and for that I am eternally grateful. Acne was perhaps the best thing that happened to me.
Much love 🙂 x
Tracy says
November 27, 2012 at 8:14 pmHey Nathan, thanks for the recommendation… sometimes I watch BBC docos on those free documentary websites. I’ll wait for those ones to hit the ‘net!
Anyway – thanks again Nathan for being such a lovely contributor to the site. It’s really nice to hear how you’ve turned acne into a positive growing and learning experience!! I feel the same way about acne… sucks, but man have I learned so much.
Fresia says
November 27, 2012 at 2:14 pmSelf-love. This one’s always been difficult for me, and one I don’t think I’ll ever master. It depends a lot on my environment. When I’m with certain friends, I’m confident, happy, relaxed! But when I’m say..at school doing a group project with some peers that I don’t know very well or that intimidate me, I start hating on myself because I don’t fit in or feel comfortable. I hate to say it, but a lot of the self love I have comes from comparing myself to another person and thinking that I am the better one, which is absolutely horrible. It goes both ways though. I don’t know if I could ever get originally sourced self-love from just plain APPRECIATING myself because I know I could always be better so why would I congratulate myself? Tough issue. I just want to get over the comparisons I make, because they’re terrible and I shouldn’t feel superior to anyone.
Tracy says
November 27, 2012 at 8:06 pmHi Fresia,
Ah yes, I know what you mean. But what you’re describing isn’t really self love. And, like.. I think most people feel a bit awkward around people they don’t fit in with (I do), and I’d say most people probably feel some sort of an ego boost by comparing ourselves to others (with us getting the upper hand) … I do that too…. that’s exactly why reality TV shows are so popular!
But that’s an ego thing, not self love… I think that self love is something that really has nothing to do with anyone else (whether it’s the people you’re with, or who you’re comparing yourself to). It’s about when you feel awkward in those situations, or you boost your ego by comparing yourself and you dont like that, that you just give yourself a big “hey, it’s cool. I’m not perfect. I love ya anyway” and be easy on yourself in those situations (which is what you’d do for a friend), instead of turning to self hate.
Also, don’t say that you’ll never master it! You can do anything you want – seriously, ANYTHING you put your mind to 🙂 – and when you say things like “I’ll never” you’ve already decided in your mind that it isn’t going to happen, so you’re never going to put the effort in to make it happen!
Kit says
November 27, 2012 at 6:00 pmWow, this is so true. I used to be SO mean to myself when my skin was bad. On really bad days if I got too frustrated with my makeup, I would literally slap myself across the face. Sounds nuts but yeah…it took me a LONG time to start being nicer to myself. I do know a few people who refuse to spend time on themselves, like my friend who struggles with obesity no matter what he eats but refuses to shell out the money for a naturopath or nutritionist because it’s “just too much.” He doesn’t love himself enough to want himself to be happier, and it breaks my heart.
Now, despite being busy, I take the time to exercise a few times a week, put on eye makeup, blast my favorite music and dress nicely. I never did any of this just a few years ago, and I’m sure some people think it’s selfish of me, but it makes me a better, happier person with more to give to others. You’re spot-on there.
I really hope this inspires others to look after their emotional health – I had to figure it out on my own, and didn’t have someone so wise to teach me 🙂
Thanks for the post!
Tracy says
November 27, 2012 at 8:11 pmHey Kit, thanks for sharing your experiences with growing self love!! Sounds like you got it figured it out well… 🙂
Melissa says
November 27, 2012 at 10:14 pmHi Tracy!!!
What a an amazing topic you talked about on your video!!!! I have been watching all your videos over a year now and and i must say that i enjoy each and every single one of them, ESPECIALLY self growth topics like this!!! It just opens my eyes and really inspires me Tracy!!! Thank you so much!!!! You are such a beautiful person!!!
Back to the topic:) When i was depressed and had skin problems, like you were saying, i was extremely critical of myself…I would stay home nearly all the time, not even cared about the way i looked….But i found many ways now to make myself feel better….I know it’s going to sound silly, and it might not be %100 organic or whatever but i like to go to the tanning salon and get spray tanned once a week!!! LOL!!! it makes me feel like a movie star goddess!!! LOL!!! I feel so radiant and exotic looking! It makes me feel so good and happy i think it’s totally worth it for me…Plus i don’t get wrinkles and aged spots from the sun…Other then that i also try to go out and explore new places in town, even if i can’t find anyone to go with, i will go alone…Because i think when you are by yourself you really get to know yourself better, and you need to learn how to be happy with yourself, by yourself first:) So, i will go to local coffee shops, then take my cup of coffee and walk around the park, go to vintage stores, lay down on the grass and watch the beautiful sky….
Another thing that really helps me is that i am an art major, and i love to sculpt…So whenever i’m feeling a little down or negative i go to our studio and start a new sculpture:)
One of my favorites though is to meet up with my friends once a week at a local bar and watch a local band play each week, i love to get all dolled up with my friends, have a few drinks as we are getting ready and then head to the local concerts and it’s always so fun to mingle with new and interesting people at these places:)
These were a few of the things that really helps me 🙂 I hope i gave some new ideas to you guys:) just wanted to help out and give some options:))))
Thank you for the post again Tracy!!!!!
Tracy says
November 28, 2012 at 8:06 amHey Melissa – awesome! Thanks so much for sharing what’s on your love list, the stuff that you do to make yourself feel better… good for people to get some real world ideas of what others do to love themselves, and not just what came off my head hahah.
LaLa says
November 28, 2012 at 5:13 amThank you for sharing this with us all.
Namaste
Andy says
November 28, 2012 at 9:40 amI think loving yourself is truly one of the most powerful things on the planet. It’s unfortunate that it seems so few people actually do love themselves though.
I wish I knew how to get people to do it. I know I love myself, and I even know when it first started and exactly what was going through my mind at the time. But I can’t tell my story to others and expect that they’ll suddenly think the same things and start loving themselves, cause like you said, it’s completely personal and what works for one won’t work for another.
One of the best things I do for loving myself is being physcially active in the outdoors. Going for a bike ride, or a run or hike in the woods. It’s soul soothing, and it reminds me that I got myself out of being so overweight before which is just one of the many reasons I love myself, and it’s cheap too!
Tracy says
November 28, 2012 at 6:06 pmYeah! I love riding my bike too… and anything in nature… it definitely feels soul soothing to me too.
Rebecca says
November 28, 2012 at 2:23 pmJust watched your latest video on Youtube and wanted to pop in to say that you are a sweetheart! Good one.
Tracy says
November 28, 2012 at 6:06 pmThanks for popping in Rebecca! 😀
Annie says
November 29, 2012 at 10:54 amLovely, Tracy. Thank you 🙂 Your advice last week and the explication this week are so wonderful. This is so essential! The stress of acne can lead to a much worse cycling of breakouts; I’ve noticed that I am super devastated by the self-judgment more than anything else (As in, I’m functioning around 15% of my typical energy levels because I get SO depressed when I have an unexpected breakout.) But! since your last article, I’ve practiced this self-love thing a lot, and I’ve made myself cry a few times realizing how cruel I’ve been to myself. That’s the part that’s been debilitating me, I realized.
So, while I can’t guarantee myself protected against future breakouts, I can guarantee myself that (1) I don’t need to examine my face and try to extract what is there in order to be comfortable in my own skin, and more to the point, (2) I don’t need to judge myself for what is there. I can be beautiful and let a spot live on my face for a few days. Most interestingly, to me, all of this has magnified the problem of skin picking for me.
I’ve never had severe acne, but I have struggled with picking any spot on my face ever since I first got acne; and I don’t think I’ve let many spots go unsqueezed.. until now. After being clear for awhile, I broke out and realized that I don’t have to squeeze them; I’ve noticed that I have the urge to “clear” my face by emptying the clog from the acne, although this is really quite damaging to my skin AND makes my skin red and awful-looking. A cystic mark, for example, can be almost invisible with makeup on as long as its not irritated–but the second I try to squeeze it and “fix” my face, of course I am even more upset with myself–anxious from examining and harming my skin, anxious about having spent time damaging myself rather than doing something productive, anxious because I’ve failed to “fix” the problem I intended to fix, and anxious because I know I am likely creating a red mark and possibly permanent scar. All of this in an effort to fix the self I am convinced is so flawed.
Well screw it! I am too good to spend time obsessing over my looks; and I don’t need to fix myself that badly; my body will fix itself far better than my fingers ever will, and I can’t possibly develop that trust in my body if I keep flipping out every time there’s a little inflammation. I feel like I’m going through a spiritual test right now; I feel better about myself during this breakout than I have in a long long time, and I thank you!
Oh, another question: DIM has soy in it, and I’m wondering if you’ve found this concerning at all. Ever heard of adverse reactions because of this or is the form of soy hypoallergenic somehow?
Tracy says
November 30, 2012 at 8:22 amHi Annie!
I’m so happy this article and the other one has brought to light some of this stuff – sometimes it’s just so not obvious until you really think about it. Good for you, and I’m stoked to hear that your outlook has improved and you can see the results (you are feeling better during this breakout) – and yes, getting over a picking habit is one of the best things you can do – it really is just a cycle of self hate that never heals, only makes things worse.
As for DIM, apparently it contains a form of soy that doesn’t include any phytoestrogens, so that’s good. If you are worried about allergies – well, for me, I think the amount is so small that it personally doesn’t bother me to take it, but it might be a concern if you know you are very highly sensitive to soy – over all though, I’m not too sure. Everyone reacts differently to things. I think in most cases the benefits would outweigh the bit of soy.
sarah says
November 30, 2012 at 12:11 pmI also had a horrible habit of skin picking. My skin only gets maybe a couple small new spots a week, but when I would pick it I constantly had scars. I have learned that picking for me is a way of releasing my stress(a terrible way), because even if my skin is getting better I still did it. Maybe some people can relate but for me I have also learned(although it took awhile to realize this) I was self sabotaging myself. I may have not loved myself enough or think I was good enough to actually have clear skin, because I had acne for so long. It almost feels foreign to me that I don’t break out so much now. My solution was to pick my skin so that I could make it worse before it got worse again on its own. Another huge fear that comes with acne.
Anyways, I’ve learned to let it go quite a bit, and the only way to do that is by having self love. I’ve been doing a lot more for myself lately, learning guitar, doing yoga, working on all aspects that I neglected for years due to using acne as an excuse. I have realized all these years it wasn’t the acne holding me back, but me using acne as an excuse not to treat myself like I should. Maybe it is not like that for everyone, but skin picking especially falls under the category of not enough self love. Learning to love yourself and treat yourself well will naturally help your skin improve.
Great article Tracy!
Laura says
November 30, 2012 at 5:00 amI love this article Tracy! I’ve never read the subject of loving oneself written in such a concise and logical, yet fun manner. It just makes so much sense 😀
My journey to self-love began about 2 years ago when my long-term boyfriend and I broke up. I realised how much I wasn’t investing in myself during that time in the relationship, and I’ve been perfectly, ‘selfishly’ single for a while now. And, remarkably, I’ve never felt this good or had this much confidence since I decided I had to do things for me with all this newfound freedom 🙂 I’ve done drama courses (major fun!). I started submerging myself in my favourite fandoms because I just love to be geek about stupid tv shows. I’ve gone back to college part-time to study science. I got my long hair cut off into a pixie crop recently(something I wanted to do for years but never had the confidence to do before because I had felt in the past my face wasn’t nice enough to pull it off) and have had nothing but positive reactions for it. I guess it’s my badge to show how far I feel I’ve come!
Thank you again for this wonderful blog, you are spreading so much goodness Tracy 🙂
Tracy says
November 30, 2012 at 8:24 amHey Laura!
Way to go, glad to hear you’ve come a long way in your self love journey! And thanks for suggestions on what to put on a love list to make yourself feel awesome.. people are sharing stuff that I had never thought of hehe
Annemarie says
November 30, 2012 at 10:42 amHaha funny you mention that about your hair, Laura. It’s always been the same for me! My long hair has kinda been my “shelter” this past year with acne. I’m planning on cutting it soon because I know long hair isn’t necessary to being beautiful, and it’s kinda like a challenge for myself to show me that I can love myself no matter what 🙂
Ann says
December 1, 2012 at 5:10 amI guess I’m doing something wrong then? I buy art stuff all the time (i love art) and make fancy dinners and do anything I think of that I like and enjoy and that’s supposed to make me happy, but it never makes me happy! And the most annoying thing is when you wake up happy, and do something fun that makes you realllllly happy, and then something (or someone) happens that makes your day the worst.
Good days are always like that. And when I try to be happy, or think good about myself, or not care when people tell me how my hair is so thin and it’s getting darker(naturally dishwater blonde) and that I need to see a dermatologist for my acne, or if I just try to tell myself that I’m pretty or happy or whatever, doing anything that’s supposed to make you happy just makes me more depressed. And talk about low self-esteem from moms saying how ugly they are. It’s even worse when they tell you (when you’re like 6 or 7) how you’re fat and your hair is greasy and you grow up thinking that everyone hates you and thinks you’re ugly. And you know you’re not supposed to think like that but you just can’t stop, especially since you’ve been thinking that way for 12 years. Who am I kidding. When everyone around you treats you like the way you think of yourself (and that’s the reason you think of yourself that way in the first place) then it’s hard to change yourself. Life is annoying.
I wonder if I made any sense?
Tracy says
December 1, 2012 at 8:11 amHi Ann,
It’s okay to share these frustrations and feelings here! It is an awful situation when you have been told your whole life you aren’t good enough. I really feel for you. It’s some tough conditioning to get past, and it’s probably going to be a journey for you to ever break free of that (but I know you can do it!).. As I said in this article, it’s not going to happen overnight and it has to be worked at. “And you know you’re not supposed to think like that but you just can’t stop” it’s not very easy to instantly change your thoughts… sometimes a simple switch out of thoughts just isn’t going to work… if not, sometimes the more you try to push them away the more they prevail… accept that those feelings are there and you are having a hard time changing them. And be easy on yourself for that. Really, the key is accepting things as they are, flaws and all. We’re all here for you.
Stephen says
December 31, 2012 at 6:23 amHi Ann
Have you ever tried meditation? I can fully emphaphise with your situation and I found for me personally, meditation helped me let go of historic mental wounds which used to torment me because I let it. Emotions as with life are fleeting and as soon as we can all accept that it allows us to have more freedom and embrace change and situations with an open mind. Your local Buddhist centre may do a drop in class for Metta Bhavana meditation (loving-kindness development). I found this really helpful to alleviating unessesary negative emotions and relieving my stresses!
Let me share with you a great Zen story which I frequently like to remind myself of:
The Gift of Insults
There once lived a great warrior. Though quite old, he still was able to defeat any challenger. His reputation extended far and wide throughout the land and many students gathered to study under him.
One day an infamous young warrior arrived at the village. He was determined to be the first man to defeat the great master. Along with his strength, he had an uncanny ability to spot and exploit any weakness in an opponent. He would wait for his opponent to make the first move, thus revealing a weakness, and then would strike with merciless force and lightning speed. No one had ever lasted with him in a match beyond the first move.
Much against the advice of his concerned students, the old master gladly accepted the young warrior’s challenge. As the two squared off for battle, the young warrior began to hurl insults at the old master. He threw dirt and spit in his face. For hours he verbally assaulted him with every curse and insult known to mankind. But the old warrior merely stood there motionless and calm. Finally, the young warrior exhausted himself. Knowing he was defeated, he left feeling shamed.
Somewhat disappointed that he did not fight the insolent youth, the students gathered around the old master and questioned him. “How could you endure such an indignity? How did you drive him away?”
“If someone comes to give you a gift and you do not receive it,” the master replied, “to whom does the gift belong?”
The last line really stays with me when I find myself in a struggle, which nowadays is quite rare.
I wish you all the best!
S
trish says
December 3, 2012 at 4:49 pmokay im not doing well on the whole loving myself jazz lol. and i am in need of some direction pleeeease help me!! i am 21, the hell like path of acne started when i was 12. it was moderate to sever at first and then around 18-19 it turned to mild. however for the last almost two years its been back to moderate to severe. i have been into healthy lifestyle since i was about 17 but ive got more interested and involved in health for the last 3 years. so i started to go heavy into why i am starting to break out badly again. i have done everything i can think of. i have been 100% natural in skin care for about a year. but everything inside my body has been super natural for the last two years about. i have had a food intolerance test and it showed some things that i needed to cut out and i have. i have done the candida cleanse but candida is not an issue for me, as far as it showed anyway. i have done two liver flushes and will never again because that was NOT a good experience. i do not touch my face with anything that is not something very natural, i dont touch my face, i dont pick at my face, i wash my pillow cases every few days with mild soap, my diet is nearly squeaky clean, i dont tan, ive had a hormone test done but the results werent way off like it would be if thats what was cuasing my acne. my cycles are very normal and i dont seem to have any other signs that i would be off hormonally. i take a few vitamins but not a ton cause i dont they are a cure all, but maybe im missing something. i have done the emotion code and at first it was telling me that there was emotions that were trapped but after about 5 emotions it says there are no emotion imbalances contributing to my skin issues. i do wear make up a few days a week but not usually very long and it is oil free and what not. so i am just simply stumped as to what i am not doing or doing that is making my skin still bad. if there is ANYTHING that you can tell me or even just a point in a direction i would be so extremely grateful. i know if you can get clear than i have to be able to so you are keeping my hope alive when my acne douses it!!!
Tracy says
December 3, 2012 at 5:28 pmHi Trish,
Ah, I’m sorry that you still struggle with acne even though it appears you are doing everything correct! It’s hard for me to know what it is either when you paint such a picture that leaves no holes lol… but my suggestions are that it could possibly be a particular nutrient deficiency, or it still could be a bit of a hormonal thing. If you got a hormonal blood test as from a medical doctor, they aren’t always that accurate (saliva is more accurate). Maybe it’s fluoride… do you have fluoridated water??
Hmm.. I mean, it’s really hard for me to say, but there is ALWAYS a reason for the acne, so there is always an answer. Unfortunately for some people, it’s hard to find and a bit elusive. But if you put the intention there and are open to it, one day you will just happen to come across the answer. I wish you luck and send you a ton of love Trish!!
trish says
December 3, 2012 at 4:50 pmoh my oh my that looks really long after submitting it, sorry tracy!!!