This dog don’t give a dang what other dogs think
Something I’ve been thinking about lately is the concept of images. These are the things in our lives – objects, people, clothes, concepts – that we are attached to, that we take on into ourselves and use them make up this image in our minds of who we are and how we want to be projected to others.
There are some people who are really into their image. Their whole life is about wearing things or having things or doing things in order to look a certain way to others. Their entire self worth is based on this image, which is a pretty unstable way to live. What if those things that make up your identity are removed?
But it’s not just those fabulous people on reality TV shows that have this image problem. I think we all do to a degree. I think anyway. I mean, I have always felt that I am a pretty real person who is not too into “images” or looking a certain way , but on the other hand, I’ve lately been observing and thinking about the ways in which I still am very much attached to an identity.
How do you know if something is part of your image? Well, just imagine that that thing disappeared. Do you feel uncomfortable? Does it play on some deep seated emotional instability that resides inside you (perhaps a feeling that you aren’t good enough without that thing?) Do you mainly feel uncomfortable because without it you are concerned about what other people would think of you?
If the answer is yes, it’s part of your image. And relying too much on our image can be a shaky existence. It can be a really difficult time for you when something threatens that image. True self esteem can’t be shaken. True self esteem resides underneath the “stuff”, – the place within yourself in which you know you are a good, unique, interesting, and capable person, even if everything you know in your life has been stripped away.
For me, the following things are part of my image:
1. My Dreadlocks, My Hats, and My Headbands
The thought of cutting off my dreads and having straight hair again – and also going without wearing things like hats and headbands on my head to make my hair interesting – makes me squirm.
The reason is not just because I like the style (I really do), but also because I think the volume of the dreads on my head, and the hair accessories, make me look older. Looking young has always been this crazily hot button emotional thing for me… so the idea of having a hairdo that makes me look younger totally freaks me out. It would detract from the desired image of myself as “mature and grown up”.
I suppose I could also count here form-fitting clothes and other things that I think make me look older, like wearing mascara. Seriously, even slightly baggy clothes make me feel like a 5 year old because they completely drown my womanly curves – as slight as those curves may be. I feel very, VERY uncomfortable in them.
2. Having My Dreads Done Up Nicely, and Continuing to Shave My Armpits
So, I have always been a hippie at heart. Naturally attracted to the type of people who are alternative, conscious, artsy, and interesting, and the lifestyles that go with that. My clothing style naturally gravitates toward funky, earthy, “hippie” clothes and styles. Nothing wrong with that at all. And by stereotype, I proudly feel I fit in that category.
However, I think I’ve always had this image of myself that I am a hippie, but that only the positive stereotypes from the label apply to me. I am a hippie, but without all the usual and generally negative stereotypes that are usually associated with them. I am a hippie, but I can still be everything to everyone.
Like: yes – I am a hippie, but my dreads don’t look like I came from the swamp. No, they are always done nicely. Yes, I am a hippie, but I shave my armpits, don’t worry. Yes, I am a hippie, but I am also attractive to non-hippie men. Yes, I am a hippie but I’m not a lazy pothead. Yes, I am a hippie, but no I’m not a vegetarian. And so on and so forth.
I think I was trying to push back at this part of my image by doing my no shaving experiment that I did in the Fall.
3. My Hippie Necklaces
So because I am a hippie at heart, I naturally want to hang out with alternative, forward thinking folks. Except, sometimes I get intimidated by these types of people. Because I want to be their friend. I want to be “in” with them. Because these are the type of people that I feel I have things in common with, what happens if they reject me? Then what do I have?
All those primal fears of having your tribe reject you kick in: What if they think I’m not “hippie cool” enough for them? What if they think I’m not interesting enough? What if I don’t have enough to say about typically hippie topics of conversation? What if they write me off forever as just some “straight” girl who clearly doesn’t share their values and I am outcast?
I find that these fears especially come up in regard to the alterna/hippie crowd in my own town and the surrounding areas and islands. I don’t feel very intimidated by these type of people outside of my own town, because if they were to reject me it wouldn’t mean as much as being rejected from the people in the town you want to make your life in. The stakes are much higher. This fear doesn’t dominate my life or anything – it’s just a subtle undercurrent in my psyche, but it’s there.
The situation kind of reminds me of when I was in 5th grade, and I desperately wanted to be part of the “cool kids group”. I wanted sooo bad to be in it. It just seemed like it was clearly the ticket to happiness. I tried to muscle my way in, and I felt like I was almost there – one day I was playing a game of tag with the cool kids on the school field (success!), and then to my horror, one of the cool girls came up behind me and pulled down my shorts!!! In front of all the cool kids!!!!! And they were all laughing at me!! Oh wow. So what did I do? I burst into tears. Yep, that happened.
So anyway, I learned a lesson from that. I stopped being a try-hard and just hung out with my own friends and did my own thing, and then slowly, and naturally, without trying, our friends started hanging out with the cool kids. It happened organically. I was accepted because I was myself.
Now, I’m not telling you this because I condone cliques or anything. Or trying to be in with a crowd for no other reason than higher social status.
The alterna folks I’m speaking of aren’t cliquey or anything like the “cool kids” of elementary school’s past. They are all very nice, inclusive people. But they are the people I want to know the most because I resonate with them, their mindsets, philosophies, and interests. I find them inspiring, and because of this, I kind of put the whole lot of them on a pedestal. If they reject me, there is a lot more on the line than if I were rejected from some other group of people I didn’t care about.
However, I learned my lesson from 5th grade, and never tried hard to get in with them, and I naturally just found my way in by being me. I am friends with many of them and consider myself to be a firm part of the alternative community in my town with no sign of conflict on the horizon.
But on some primal level, the community as a whole and the people in it still intimidate me. And I know that using my appearance is a way for me to “show” them that I am one of them. That I am a hippie, I am alternative, I deserve to be “in” with them. I am “worthy” of conversation with them. If I didn’t have my dreadlocks … if I didn’t have my hippie necklaces – then how would they know I was one of them?
For example: you may remember when I wrote an article this summer about my trip to the off-grid island, Lasqueti. Now, I have spent many years going to hippie parties and festivals on a neighbouring island (that looks across the ocean to Lasqueti). All the Lasquetians come over across the inlet to the parties on their big red zodiac boats, and they all pile out – it always seems like the entire lot of them are young and incredibly good looking and so cool. And you would hear tales of the shenanigans they get up to over there on their little off grid community where there’s no cops, there’s no rules, a vibrant unified community; everyone has a massive garden, great parties, and composting toilets. In my mind, it was like hippie Shangri-la.
So I finally got to go to Lasqueti. And yes, it was pretty much as amazing as I had built it up in my mind to be. Not everyone on the island was young and good looking as the illusion appeared (I guess just the ones who go to the parties), but everyone was so nice, and the energy was amazing and beautiful… and wow. Just a gorgeous place.
So due to how amazing this place was (and how I had put it onto a pedestal), something in me of course wanted to prove to their residents that I belonged there. That I deserved to be on Lasqueti. That I fit in there. That I was cool enough to be an honorary Lasquetian.
So the first day there, we went to a community sauna. Because it was so hot, I had to take off my quartz hippie necklace because the metal was burning me . However, when we went to get dressed, I couldn’t find it. Wow, I felt very lost and uncomfortable. Suddenly I realized how much this necklace was a part of my image, and how losing it here on Lasqueti made me feel so naked and bare. How would they know I fit in here?
4. Having a Hot Boyfriend
What a stud muffin
Yep, it’s definitely good for my ego that my partner, Luke, is good looking. Well, I know many ladies probably don’t like the scruffy bearded look, but to me, and probably to many hippie women, I think he’s drop dead gorgeous. Now, I don’t think I’m necessarily shallow… I mean, I didn’t choose to be with him because of his looks. And I will be the first to admit that I have had quite a few boyfriends in the past who were far from classically good looking, and I loved them for who they were and loved our time spent together. And when you like someone and know them well, they generally become very good looking to you even if others wouldn’t consider them very “hot”.
But, while their looks never bothered me, I was aware of what other people might think. I do have to admit that when I was with those guys, I would sometimes secretly wonder if people were wondering why I was with them, or judging me for having no taste. And that would make me feel a little embarrassed. So while the fact that the wonderful man who will become my husband also happens to be hot – well, that is definitely good for my image. Now people will know that I am the sort of superstar who can get super hot guys.
However, on the odd occasion he has had to shave his beard – well, he still looks good, but he looks a lot younger. Which of course plays on my own insecurities about looking young.
Agh. Yes. His beard is an accessory for my ego. However, I have gotten the impression that my dreadlocks and “hippie image” are an accessory for his image. We seem to have this mutual agreement for our own egos – I keep my dreads, he keeps his beard.
5. Being Exciting and Fun
Yes, what I used to want for my image was that people would always think of me as a social person, who likes to party, loved crazy adventures, is friends with everyone, and up for anything. In other words, I wanted people to think of me as really fun and exciting. I guess because in my mind, anything less was “boring”.
Don’t get me wrong – I very much like socializing, adventures, and fun. But maybe not as much as I thought. I’d always find myself partying or going out when I’d prefer to stay home and do my own thing. I’d find myself hanging out with people I didn’t care about, when I’d prefer to be hanging out with just a few close friends. I’d find myself living in sharehouses with tons of people because I assumed it would be so fun, but I’d always end up wanting to hang out with myself in my room. I’d find myself working at bars in which you were expected to stay and socialize for hours after your shifts, when all I wanted to do was go home.
I’d always end up hating on myself about this because what I really wanted to do often (quiet loner activities like reading, writing, researching, sewing, painting etc) didn’t really fit with my “fun and exciting” image. There was always internal conflict there.
It wasn’t even until recently that I realized that maybe that’s not who I am. Maybe I am just more of an introvert. And that’s when I realized that hey – that’s actually okay!!! Introverts are not necessarily boring people. I don’t have to be anyone except who I am and do the things that I like to do.
6. Having Clear Skin
To me, having clear skin is not about just having healthy skin – it’s about acne threatening the image of myself as someone who is pretty and attractive, particularly to men. I suspect this at the root of many people’s emotional pain over having acne. Fearing that we won’t be attractive to others, and therefore, won’t be loved.
I will admit to never having had trouble with attracting men in the past, and I always interpreted that a huge part of my sex appeal and charm was that I was small and cute (not to be confused with looking young like a child…. completely different in my mind).
I relied on that image a lot, and the good thing was that I often felt quite confident with myself when getting to know guys. Not just ones I wanted to date, but any guys. I used to rely on this image so much that I actually found it a lot more difficult and intimidating making new friends with women because I couldn’t use the image on them! I had to rely 100% on my personality with them because women don’t care about your sex appeal! Oh dear.
Anyway, before my severe acne troubles, I had mild acne but I could pretty easily cover it up in most cases, so most of the time it didn’t threaten the image too much.
However, the idea of being seen without those spots covered up horrified me. Perhaps then all the people would see through my image. They would see that I was not, in fact, good looking. They would see I was actually not cute or attractive. Or god forbid, they would think I looked young. They would instantly be turned off, said my brain.
So when my acne got really severe and hiding it was hardly an option anymore, that’s when I went basically mental because that was a HUGE, MASSIVE, DIABOLICAL threat to that image. It just didn’t compute. The two did not go together. The two were not in any way compatible. I needed it GONE as-soon-as-absolutely-effing-possible so that I could get back to that image (cue some very unhealthy obsession due to this).
So then I got rid of it and I managed to return to that image. However, now when I get a pimple or two, it’s so much more of a big deal because of that massive threat to the image that had occurred with the severe acne. That emotional pain to the ego resurfaces with every pimple – and maybe even more so, because now each pimple threatens my new image as “the acne guru”.
I’ve come a LONG way with this issue. I realize that but who knows if the pain will ever completely heal.
How to Stop Caring What People Think
Everyone has things that they like – they have their style, their friends, their hobbies. It’s all a part of who you are and that’s awesome, but it’s not who you really truly are. By relying on these things for your self esteem, it creates a fragile state of being. It takes you out of the present moment and gives your power to other people. Shouldn’t we be more concerned with what brings us joy and how we feel in our bodies right now, rather than how we appear to other people?
I can tell that these image hangups cause me grief from time to time. Even writing them out like this, it just seems like these things are so silly and petty, but it’s difficult to disassociate with your ego and truly let go of caring what other people think. What’s ironic though is that the more you are yourself and don’t care what others think, the more inspiring and attractive you actually are to other people!
I think it’s been my long term goal for some time now to challenge my fears, and start realizing that these things are not real. They are figments of our imagination. After all, when you read my fears and insecurities here, you probably don’t relate to all of them. Maybe some of them, but being an outsider, it’s easy for you to look in and go “Are you seriously worrying about this stuff?”
The goal is to start being able to do that for yourself. The fears will probably always be there to some degree, and that’s okay. It’s actually not a good thing to try to push them away, change them, or hide from them. Usually that doesn’t work and causes even more anxiety.
But we want to be able to look inside and be aware of them and go “That’s just a fear. That’s just a limiting belief. That’s just my ego talking.” Once you can do that, you are on your way to being able to accept them, and go forward despite them being there. That’s when they lose their power over you. Suddenly their scare factor becomes muted and muffled, and you can take action toward the things you value – even though you might feel afraid, insecure, or unsure.
So for example, I can be intimidated about hanging out with the alterna crowd in my town, but I can realize that and acknowledge it for what it is, and then go ahead and socialize anyway (which takes me closer to what I truly value: spending time with like minded people).
When I get a pimple, I may feel upset, but I can acknowledge that, and then go ahead and just get on with my life despite it. Same with if someone sees me with my hair a mess, without a necklace, or whatever else.
I realize now that I have actually come a long long way on all of these image issues. None of them have the same hold on me as they used to, and it’s because I have been aware of them for some time now. Now, people I know can see me without makeup on and my hair a mess and it’s okay. I don’t wear necklaces all the time. I hang out with myself a LOT and don’t live with roommates (except Luke). I even made a video the other day without my hat! For a while I didn’t shave my legs and armpits. I later decided to shave again, but even trying that was something I could never have even done a few years ago.
The good news? I’m also a lot happier now than I was a few years ago.
So for you – I highly recommend this process of writing out what it is that is part of your image, and imagine what it would be like to lose those things. Really examine those uncomfortable feelings and question why they are so strong. Just sit with the feelings and feel them… it’s okay to be uncomfortable. It can’t actually hurt you.
Just by doing this, you are starting the process of the fears breaking their hold over you. And less of a slave you are to your fear, the more free and happy you will become.
Watch Me Talk About All This in Video
If you feel like you want to, share with us right now what objects, people, clothes, or concepts are part of your image. How uncomfortable does it make you to imagine not having these things anymore?
Thats crazy because im a guy and i can relate to alot about what your saying. Its weird because as you get older and wiser(i guess lol) you dont seem to care about the things you used to care about say 2 or 3 years ago.
Yeah! I guess my fears aren’t really all that weird or anything – worrying about whether we are attractive, getting nervous about socializing with certain people, wondering whether people are judging us about this or that – whether it’s our clothing, choice in girlfriend/boyfriend, etc.
And maybe it’s true… maybe it’s just part of getting older that you stop caring so much about these things! However, I know that most adults still are not totally void of caring what others think to some degree… maybe the content changes (do people think I’m a good parent? Are they judging me for the house I live in? Are they staring at my wrinkles? etc etc), but I bet it’s still there for many
For a while I have been struggling with my personal thoughts about what people will think of me in relation to my success in college. I am not a straight A student nor am I even a B student. I am fairly average and although I understand the concepts I am learning my grade do not reflect it. They say I have text anxiety and I guess this is true, but I think it has to do with the fact that I enjoy learning I really do, but when it comes down to taking an exam or showing my knowledge I freeze up because I immediately think What will my parents, friends, and other people think if I do badly in my classes? What if I don’t become a fantastic great doctor, professor, lawyer, CEO, or whatever? Will they not like me? Will they not want me around? What will they do then? What will I do then? This has been an ongoing struggle. Recently however I have learned to subside these thoughts and focus on what makes me happy. Sometimes they creep in, but I have learned to do things like enjoy the little things. I look at the sky more deeply when it is sunny out, I enjoy the rain a little more, and I try to listen to the music and sip on my tea. Taking life more slowly and e to like what I am doing has helped me accept that it doesn’t really matter what the other people think about what I study or do for a living only if it makes me happy and makes me feel good. Thank you for posting this because no matter what you do to go about getting to that happy place, what matters is that you get there.
I also have a question while I am here. I have been reading your posts and I am looking for a cleanse that will make me feel more energetic, help clear up some face, back, and chest acne that I suffer from, and help me balance out my weight so I can be at my bodies best. I want to avoid a cleanse that can speed up my heart-rate or give me GI issues. What are your suggestions? What are some that I should try? Thanks, I hope I hear from you soon!
Adrienne, I wouldn’t consider this a “cleanse”, but look into probiotics and/or kombucha! I have been enjoying kombucha for years and my sister (who knows me SO well:) gave me a home brew kit as a gift last year. Drinking kombucha helps to keep your gut flora balance, which definitely can help you feel better overall! It’s usually a good idea to sample kombucha from a local store so that you can familiarize with the flavors and such before brewing your own. I have some pretty crazy anxiety issues (test anxiety included) which really mess with my *ahem* “regularity”. Kombucha has definitely helped me over the years! Best of luck to you, lady. <3
Wow Tracy what a great article. You really got me hooked on your blog in no time! Ok so here goes, (hope no one from the Netherlands is reading, this scares me a lot but I think you’re right that writing this down is the first step)
1 my make up
I feel prettier with it and most of all I hide my acne (even though it is not as severe anymore as it used to be thanks to this blog en your’e e book, I’m seeing improvements every week) with it. This weekend I went to a course without it, and someone actualy made a comment and I felt very embaressed, but guess what, I survived…
2 having long blonde hair
I’ve had both short and darker colors hair, but I feel more attractive with blonde hair and I feel people (especially men) respond to me differently (better) with the long blonde hair
3 being athletic and having ‘a hot body’
I’m terrified of being fat and looking unattractive, so I work out a lot
4 looking very ‘put together’
High heels (at work); jewerly; hair done; matching clothes etc
5 being married
Society has us conditioned that there’s just something sad about being single as a woman after 25 (I’m 28). I really hate this part, but I can’t deny that it’s part of my image.
6 having a job where I need to use my brain
I went to University and I feel that it is exepected of me that I use my education for a ‘brainy’ job
@ Adrienne & Daphne – thanks so much for sharing your fears with us! It’s scary, but something about seeing them written out on paper helps you see through them so well.
That is actually another point that I forgot – “being smart” as part of my image. I never went to university after high school because I wanted to travel, and deep down I knew that I wanted to wait until I had a clue what I wanted to do with my life before spending a mint on school (a wise decision, I felt). As a result, spent years working the office of a kayak company, and waitressing. In my mind, not very prestigious positions.
Anyway, as the years rolled on and I still hadn’t figured it out and went to school, I wondered what people thought about me, if they were judging me for not having done anything important with my life… after all, I was the straight A smart kid in high school!
Well anyway, I don’t feel this anymore because now I have a rockin business that I’m really proud of, but I realize that me being a “business woman” now is part of my image, and that I’d go back to feeling a bit embarrassed about telling people what I did if I didn’t have it anymore. I feel more confident now in conversation because I know that if they ask me what I do, I have something interesting to tell them.
So anyway… totally understand what you guys mean about wondering what people will think if you don’t do well in school, of if you don’t have a brainy, impressive sounding job
so good to know that everything we fear and worry about, we are not alone, even on the other side of the pond there are dozens of people going through the same stuff. really amazing!
Tracy,
What a great article- thank you! This has been on my mind the last few days and especially 24 hours.
For about 1 month, I have been letting my facial hair grow in- yep, I have dark hair on my face and had been plucking for 20 years. It has been really really interesting. This in between stage is particularly uncomfortable, and yes, especially with men. But I am letting it grow in both as an experiment and to practice radical self-acceptance! If folks don’t like my facial hair, then they don’t like it!
Also, being 32 I have some “old” fears creeping in and especially in relation to…once again, men!
So, I’m practicing asking younger men to hang out, LOL!! It’s crazy and I know it but at the same time I feel like a school girl, all giggly and excited.
Way to go Michelle! Sounds like you’re really facing your fears head on. You rock.
Such a good idea. Definitely with you on the clear skin. After battling acne the ocassional pimple (or three! gasp!) sends me into a tailspin. And it’s silly.
1) Looking athletic. I’ve been an athlete all my life and everyone who knows me knows this. The thought of gaining 1 kg is terrifying, as I’m certain everyone will see it and think “oh my, she’s letting herself go…” Takeaway: if I lost my muscular physique people would…stop liking me?
2) looking like a tomboy. I often feel like an outsider in the lgbt community because I can pass as straight (I’m not) and it’s frustrating. The little things I do to stray from the “feminine” norm are huge to me: not wearing makeup or nail varnish, avoiding particularly feminine styles or patterns and not looking like my appearance is a big priority are so tightly wound into my identity. This is maybe less ridiculous than other appearance related identity issues because it does make it more difficult to be read as gay, and that’s frustrating because it feels like such a big part of who I am and I’d like to be able to just beam that information right into other people’s brains from the get-go.
3) being read as American. I spent a large part of my life in Europe and cling to that part of my identity, as if it made me somehow more interesting or worldly. If I’m boring people will…stop liking me?
4) perfect grades. I’m convinced that I’m not that bright but I work hard enough to compensate. If my grades/academic achievements disappear I’ll have nothing to show for myself and people will…stop liking me? I can’t even type that without thinking how dumb it sounds!
one last thing…is that I read a little snippet once about how having acne can be a blessing because it makes you see that your friends like you regardless of your skin. And it’s true, or it should be anyway. Real friends don’t really care about pimples. They just don’t.
Hi Cati,
Thanks for sharing! It’s so interesting to hear about other people’s image things that you don’t share. I didn’t realize that was a thing in the LGBT community that you could feel like an outsider for being too girly or “straight acting”. Very interesting.
As for the being a foreigner overseas… I feel that. I used to feel more interesting when I was backpacking in Australia and such… I felt exotic for having an accent.
Yeah, it’s super interesting, the lgbt thing, I mean I don’t feel like I’m actively excluded or rejected I just don’t feel like I’m easily recognizable as part of this whole community of people who are just like me. I think what’s really at the core of this (and nearly everything in this blog post) is the importance that we give to stereotypes and the way we use them, even if we don’t want to, to categorize people and come to conclusions about them…if we didn’t have preconceived notions about what adults or Americans or smart or environmentally conscious or gay or straight or healthy or whatever “looks” like we wouldn’t worry so much about matching up to certain expectations ya know?
Stop reading my mind, Tracy! Kidding. But seriously, I recently read the Skin Deep e-book and realized how much of my image is about looking “tough.” I’m an abuse survivor as well as a very petite person, and though I didn’t do it consciously, for awhile now I’ve been dressing tough and accumulating tattoos and piercings and stuff. Though I love it and wouldn’t change my style, I think I’ve been subconsciously trying to send “Don’t f*ck with me” vibes…I guess so no one will hurt or humiliate me again.
That’s the simplified version. If I went into full detail here, I think I’d feel like I were being petty too. Which is why the rest will be in my journal. But I think this is something that probably everyone does…and it takes guts to blog about this stuff!
P.S. I have a similar complex about looking young that plays into this. So I feel you there. Don’t you hate it? I’ve tried to quit eye makeup so many times but I look so damn YOUNG without it.
P.P.S. Yeah…your boyfriend is a stud muffin. 😛
We have a very similar history, Kit. And, consequently, a very similar way we have dealt with it! I also accumulated a lot of ink and holes over the years to put an image to what I had survived. It wasn’t until I began to really dig deep into who I am and who I want to be that I was able to let go over the *need* for the image. Don’t get my wrong, I’m not free from it by any means, but its grip on me is less than it once was. It took me years to go out without eye makeup, now I’ve gotten lazy and tend to only wear it on special occasions. Similarly, I used to be uncomfortable if I left home without all of my earrings and facial piercings in, but now I often find myself too lazy to put them in. Learning that the image can be a preference of mine without relying on it to define me is an ongoing process, but it’s well worth the efforts! Best of luck to you, darling. Survivors with open hearts have so much to offer the world in the way of compassion and love. *hugs*
Thanks for your kind words, Kait 🙂 That may have brought tears to my eyes…I’m really glad you’ve been able to come so far. I hope I’m able to do the same and am doing my best every day to get there. All the best to you 🙂
Yep, I hate it… but I actually have gotten to the point where mascara is totally optional. I don’t wear it half the time anymore and often leave the house without even thinking about it. I seriously NEVER would have thought I would do that.
However, I have noticed that it’s only because I wear my brown hat all the time now, which I think makes me look older. So the no mascara makes me look younger, but the hat makes me look older, so it’s like they cancel each other out. With no mascara and no hat, it’s too much for me still. I look too young. Maybe one day I will conquer no mascara no hat!!! We’ll see
Hi Tracy! so I just watched, and read, this article about your insecurities etc. I found that you and I are extremely similar! I’ve always leaned toward the alternative hippy lifestyles and love and appreciate nature etc…but I don’t look the part at all, or have that lifestyle I dream about. Lately more than ever, I’ve been insecure about myself so much that I just try and avoid friends and even family from seeing me because of it. I feel like I have this image I want to portray and it’s just not, working… especially towards this one guy whom I dated for 4 years. We’re really close friends still but I feel like I’d like him to be attracted to me again. I also have that hot emotional button about being young, I’m 19 and everyone thinks I look between 12-16.. and I don’t know why but it irritates me!
Your post has helped a lot to know I’m not alone and that it’s better and more then okay to be yourself and do what makes you happy. So thank you very much, I like your videos!
Hi Jacinta,
Ah yes, it’s especially difficult to not get wrapped up in an image when it comes to somebody you want to be attracted to you… it’s hard to see the long run pictures which is that if he doesn’t like you for who you really are, then it’s not going to work out in the end anyway…. difficult to remember…
Anyway… I don’t see how people think telling someone they look like a pre-teen is any way a compliment, but who knows what some people think before they open their mouths! But then again, it just goes to show how much of an image issue this is with ourselves, because to them, “looking young” has no emotion attached to it and that’s why they don’t think twice before blurting things like that out
You’re definitely not alone. And it is much better to be ourselves to the full extent, embrace every “flaw”, and then we will only attract the most positive and compatible relationships possible 🙂
It is definitely easier to be more of yourself and let things go to be a freer person as you get older….. I use to care about what people thought way back in the day like in early high school freshman year. Then I started to wear different styles, wear styles that weren’t really even a style like funky hats and black spider webbed dresses dying my hair crazy colurs like purple and green ect … I found that wearing things that almost no wore but I/me alone helped me to not care at all about what people thought of me. I eventually came to a point wear I shaved my hair completely bald. Some people teased me and called me a dyke while other people praised me and thaought i was bold and wished they had the balls to do it.
Some people are going to love what you wear/do and others won’t. You can’t satisfy everyone. It’s impossible. No matter what label or image you identify yourself with to satisfy others, just remember there will always most like be someone who doesn’t like what you do. It comes to a point were you need to decide what you love to do and what makes you happy.
I can honestly say I don’t care about what anyone thinks of me. Now i wear what i want when i want I’ve even gone out in public with hairy legs, they weren’t that bad but still i new people were like thats gross but i didn’t care. It takes time and effort but it is so worth it. Start out with something small like wear no eyeliner but still wear cover up then eventually work your way to wearing NO makeup. I have chin acne going on right now but I don’t wear any cover up and it is so freeing. Love yourself and everything will fall into place. Thank you for being SO AWESOME /INSPIRING Tracy!!!!!
Hey Heather, that’s awesome!!! I’m so happy for you that you are so confident and secure with yourself. So inspiring. I totally agree… I feel like I have always wanted to be perfect and attractive to everyone, but since starting this journey of self growth, I’ve become more accepting of the fact that some people are going to love ya, and some people aren’t. It’s better to be yourself and be loved for who you are, rather than loved for someone you aren’t.
Also, way to go on shaving your head. I am always in admiration of women who do that and kind of picture it as being the ultimate challenge in me facing my fears over my image. Maybe one day. Ever since I read his book, a quote from Anthony Kiedis’s autobiography always sticks out in my mind, he’s talking about his short relationship with Sinead O’Conner, and he says something like “I love a woman with a shaved head. It goes to show that she doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks”
Hello Tracy! What a beautiful, meaningful article. Thank you for being brave enough to write it without fear of being judged as “petty” or childish. Most of us have these kind of feelings(which really are childish if you think of it!), only, very few have the courage to admit them. But they are the only ones that get a chance to change. So they are the mature ones after all!
Once again, reading your blog makes me feel like someone finally has put into words what I feel and think. I once read something very interesting about this topic,and very true: sometimes we are so obsessed with our image because it’s easier to change the outside than the inside. For example: I am shy and introvert. I would like to be fun, extrovert, bold. So instead of focusing on building a strong personality which could help me become what I want, I focus on looking cool. I put every effort in appearing like the person I’d like to be, instead of trying to actually become that person, inside. But changing inside is much harder.
I think you wrote something similar some time ago, saying that acne can become an excuse for not reaching our goals in life. “If only I was clear, then… etc.” How true. We all find excuses of all sorts, because we’re scared of living. But like Giovanni Falcone (a great Italian anti-mafia judge who died fighting the Mafia in Sicily) once said: “He who is not afraid dies only once; he who is afraid dies every day”.
Hi Rosa,
I love that – “sometimes we are so obsessed with our image because it’s easier to change the outside than the inside.” .. I think I may do whole post on this concept. Thanks!
What good timing this article is, Tracy! I have been having similar thoughts about identity and self-image. Right now my thoughts have been revolving around the question, which do I choose?
When I was younger I used to be that girl who wore black and red, spike bracelets, and dyed my hair weird colors. Then one day someone spread a rumor that I was becoming goth, which was regarded as this negative weird thing and I didn’t consider myself that way. So I changed myself overtime and the past few years my image was that girl who always dresses up/ has good style. (I changed my style into a more elegant look) The when my skin started to get bad and I lost all my confidence and sort of let fall any style at all, something I used to enjoy because I have an art-oriented mind and I liked to express myself through my style. Now it’s hard for me to want to dress how I want because what if it draws attention to my skin?
And also I can’t figure out whether I should be more of an elegant, classy sort of person or that rock star sort of person, to put it simply. I feel like I have a mixture of different personalities and not all of them mix well. I want to be myself but when I am I find I don’t fit in well and it’s harder to make friends. Everyone says I’m weird XD
Something else I identify myself with is my talents. I’m constantly worrying about how perfect I can be with them and I never feel good enough even when people say I am. My talents are playing guitar and violin, anything with making art, and writing. I don’t know what I’d be without these. Another thing is my body. I’ve always been told I should be a model because I’m skinny but I do have curves. If I gain weight I freak out because I can’t stand the idea of becoming overweight.
One last thing is similar to what a few others mentioned regarding the intelligence status. I consider myself smart, have always gotten straight As… Soo when I don’t, I feel like I might be judged as stupid, or if I choose a job that doesn’t necessarily pay well but I love I will be judged as stupid for not choosing a big money-making career. And I can’t stand how students’ intelligence are often based upon grades. I know really smart people whose grades are horrible. My striving for Straight As feeds more into the need for perfection than anything else I think. Wow, anyway, I’m done rambling XD
Thank you so much for sharing your image fears with us Kamrie 🙂 It takes guts!
Oh I made a video about that subject a long time ago, about dressing down due to acne: https://thelovevitamin.com/732/why-you-shouldn%E2%80%99t-dress-down-when-you-have-breakouts/
Also, if everyone thinks you’re weird, you just need to find the other weirdos! I always find that the people that everyone deems “weird” are usually the most interesting and inspiring ones because they think outside the mainstream box
Hi Tracy,
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile, but this is the first time I’ve commented. First-I want to tell you that of all of the resources on the Internet, your blog is the only one I recommend to fellow acne sufferers (even to strangers, when the topic comes up). My acne was the worst it has ever been last year from April-August. It was a high-stress period in my life and acne was a physical symptom, but as anyone reading your blog would understand, the acne also felt like it caused a considerable amount of the stress. For a person who, back in March, decided to cut my appearance-geared product use in half (e.g., acne products makeup, cellulite cream, etc.) in favor of trying more natural remedies, this was a huge blow.
To attempt to make a long story short, I started to connect some of the dots in July (i.e., the causes and effects of acne). I read about candida then by purchasing book-access from this guy’s website, but his approach was very all-or-nothing (required liver flushes, fasts, etc.) and very impractical for me. I took some things away though, that helped me start to understand that acne is a systemic issue. Not one that can be treated by tending only to the symptoms. I began to implement some changes (cutting back on sugar, taking candida clear, etc.). I also stopped eating vegan (was vegan for 1.5 years). My face started improving (ever so slightly) but I also realized that my hair had literally turned on me. THIS. was. a. deal breaker. I had never had hair problems. I’ve always had healthy, strong, hair that I never thought twice about. In August, I got online, again, searching for answers. This is how I found the Love Vitamin.
Hair issues aside, this period, of course, wasn’t the only time my acne had been so bad that it was debilitating, but it is the only time that I came across your blog and “met” someone with a similar mentality towards life and self. The toll acne takes on one’s self esteem, their image, their thoughts, and physical appearance, is more than people who have never had this problem can realize.
This post, in particular, coincides with both my own experience as well as my studies on identity (I’m writing a dissertation). My own image, and the one I project to others, is one that is very low-maintenance, natural, active, comfortable, and healthy, was completely undermined by acne (and the worries about the hair). The time this took to deal with to maintain the image was insane. Coupled with the money and time I was spending on supplements, food, products (mainly natural oils, but still) I felt a total hypocrite at worst, but mostly, I just felt bad about myself all of the time. No matter what I did. The time I was spending on this issue, too, made things I should have been working on pile up. Even with slight improvements, stress begets acne begets stress. We all know this cycle.
Breaking it requires serious introspection and non-judgmental observations. There are so many things that you write about that make a difference: honey (I use local raw), not picking at your face, getting sleep, sunshine, exercise, eating well, accepting oneself, and more. Treating acne is treating the imbalances in ourselves, that are different for everyone. Modern food, conveniences, products, and behaviors-and our own mental and emotional expectations-all of these things that directly impact our bodies’ flora and fauna are related to each other. Your blog helped me to see this much more clearly.
My skin and hair have dramatically improved since August. But your post reminded me that even though I’m able to be more genuine in my low-maintenance natural image, the idea that the bottom could fall out and I’d be back to acne hell is still very much apart of my fears. And even though I’ve studied identity across disciplines, I didn’t quite consider the impact of acne on my identity, though your post helped me to understand why it effects me like it does. I think that is has made me more accepting of what I went through to make it to the point where I’m at. Like all things in life, treating acne is about the journey, not the destination. The key (and the struggle) is to stay self-aware and self-accepting.
This is such a long comment…! I thought I should probably email you because I knew it would be long, but I thought better of it. I’ve never written about my acne publicly, or even acknowledged it, so this was more liberating in that sense. Still, I tried to be brief… haha. Anyway, great post, great blog: Thanks for everything!
Hi Emily – well thank you for coming out of the woodworks and leaving such an awesome message! I loved seeing you put into words about how acne affected your identity as low-maintenance, natural etc… sounds like we’re pretty similar… I’m glad that I helped you to understand why acne affected you so strongly… in fact, I’m not even sure that I realized quite exactly why it affected me so badly until I wrote this and realized that it was due to my image and identity. This image stuff is powerful!!
Anyway.. I’m glad that you have decided to acknowledge the acne, and just let it be out there… I found that therapeutic with starting this blog…. putting my problem with acne as public as it could be and not having to hide anymore the fact that I suffer with it. Also – thank you so much for recommending my site to others who may need it 🙂
Hey, Tracy! First I want to thank you for opening yourself up for all of us to truly see you. While many of us (and quite possibly all of us) come to your blog to cure our acne in a healthy way, I think the reason we come back regularly is because of you. Your ability to be vulnerable and genuine is beautiful and inspiring. With the fast pace of society today, it’s grounding to share the common interest of self growth.
I’ve always answered questions about my religious affiliation with this: “If you are not growing, you are dying.” That’s the only belief system that truly matters to me. Life has the potential to be this incredible journey of self discovery and growth if you are willing to open yourself up and really take a look. I love reading about your revelations and discoveries; they remind me of my own and remind me to be truly honest with myself with the intention of growth without judgment. I hope you feel affirmation from all of us knowing that sharing your own fears does not provoke judgment from all of these “strangers”, but encouragement, appreciation, and love!
Lastly, I found the timing of this article to be spot on. I actually read this quote yesterday and thought of you, then I read this article and giggled at the application.
“I pray to nature for all their ideas, beliefs, and pre and misconceptions that stop the perception of a clear reality, to be removed from the mind, to evolve and reveal truth.” -gWooki
Timely, no? Keep on keepin’ on, dear. And thank you again for this article.
Also, I wanted to share that I spent years trying to look older as well. I’m 5’2″, petite, blond, and I have a baby face. I spent far to much time worrying about making sure I wore make up and dressed more mature to look older. It wasn’t until I turned 26 that I realized that all of a sudden (and yes, I mean… it was almost overnight!) I wanted to look YOUNGER! I wanted to banish my wrinkles, I wanted to get ride of my stretch marks on my thigh and the cellulite on my buns. I mean… where did all of THESE fears come from when they are exactly opposite of the fears I spent years fighting for?! *sigh* My point? Fears change, but they are always there. I am now trying to embrace the age I AM and let my personality and brain speak for me, not my image! 🙂
Hi Kait 🙂
“Life has the potential to be this incredible journey of self discovery and growth if you are willing to open yourself up and really take a look.” – I totally agree. and your other quote from gWooki… brilliant 🙂
Thanks for being a lovely L Vitamin reader Kait, I know that you guys love me 🙂 hahah .. I feel very safe sharing with everyone here my most vulnerable side, because I know that it really helps people to feel not alone… (and it helps me feel not alone too). And yeah… I want to inspire others to look inside themselves, and confront the pain, to become the happiest and most fulfilled that they can be. Gotta lead by example! However, I’m always amazed at the thoughtful and intelligent comments that all you readers leave… I LOVE YOU ALL!!
I have been so concerned about my face and having acne, but I began looking around at school and noticing how many other people have acne and how many people show or hide their acne (and yes more people were wearing makeup over showing their acne). I also began to realize how there are many people who have acne. I thought about how much I was concerned about my acne and how I couldn’t be the only one (not only with acne, but worrying about it as well). All those people who had acne like me must be feeling the same thing, right? I thought about this for a while, no one really goes around looking at other people’s faces. Everyone is so concerned with their own acne, or in general their own problems, that they don’t care about how you look. Based on this, I have stopped wearing makeup all the time especially when I go to the store or something. No one cares, and they are all strangers, so it doesn’t matter what they think because you are never going to see them again. Plus, this has helped me feel free and has brought me less stress. Thank you for this great article!
Hi Drea,
It is so completely true that other people are only thinking about what THEY look like, and don’t give a dang what you look like. Which is pretty silly in the end….. we all just worry so much about things that don’t exist! It’s crazy. Anyway, good for you for facing your fears head on, you rock! love x
Hey Tracy. This is actually really relevant to what I’m experimenting with this week. I’ve decided to do a “mirror fast” in which I don’t look at my reflection for some period of time. So far it’s been 4 days and it has been really liberating. I’m trying not to base my identity on what I physically look like anymore. I want my identity to be who I am, not what I look like. Not seeing what I look like for 4 days has really separated myself from my face and body and has made me feel like my identity really relies more on what I do and how I treat others. I love seeing my identity this way, it is so much more fulfilling. I love not caring what I look like! It has also really helped my skin since l havent been picking 🙂 Have you ever tried a mirror fast?
Hi Janna!
A mirror fast is a great idea… I haven’t done a formal one at home, but I have before gone three or four days at festivals where I haven’t looked at my skin the entire time… and you’re right… it does feel very, very liberating to pay more attention to how you feel than how you look! I should try doing one at home and see how it goes. I’ve always found it’s pretty easy when camping, but not at home with a mirror on hand.
Ohh camping, of course! I didn’t even think of that, lol. The few times I’ve gone camping, I probably packed a small mirror and took lots of pictures with a digital camera (giving me opportunities to judge how I looked). But that was ages ago. I could use to go camping again 🙂
Love you! Thank you so much! Some of those sentences are golden (in the last part)..! I need this. I am very lonely and depressed. Even though I have manged(YAY!) to become almost clear frmo my cheek-acne. Much thansk to you, I would say…
So its obvious that was not all I needed in the end. To be clear, I mean. …
Here is a song for you “about this”. If you have Spotify at all. Scary name… Haha …
Annyway it is called “I Shall Be Released” sung by Joan Baez and is probably on youtube as well. Sorry for my spelling, I just write retarded when I´m happy.
Love from Hanna Emilie
http://open.spotify.com/track/5YbSloDYZ05SfXCnSRmLUB
Beautiful song Hanna 🙂
Also – way to go on getting nearly clear! It does seem that getting rid of the acne really is only the first step in full recovery of the self
About the scruffy bearded look! My boyfriend is growing in a beard. When we kiss, his stubble hurts the skin around my lips and causes it to become dry and break out in tiny, random, scattered pimples. Not a great look lol. They go away pretty quickly and aren’t inflamed. After we are done kissing, that skin feels all hot and pained. And then sometimes those pimples come up. Any advice for us? With a bearded boyfriend, you must have faced beard rash yourself. I can’t wait till it grows in more and becomes soft. I told him it hurts my skin and he felt bad but y’know, he’ll be keeping the beard. As he should, of course. But ouch!
Hi Mary,
I know I used to hate kissing guys when their stubble growing in, but I admit to never getting a rash from it. I have heard others say similar things though. I don’t know if there is really any solution aside from getting him to grow it longer! Luke always keeps it much longer than stubble and it doesn’t bother me at all unless he lets his stache grow so long that it goes up my nose… hopefully your skin doesn’t react to it when it’s past the stubble phase
Oh, okay. Yes, I will be happy when it becomes less spikey!
I wonder if this would ever make a good blog topic for your readers. Apparently it’s a problem for others as well. :-/
Btw I really appreciated this blog post. Truly. I identify with the having a hot boyfriend one. Also would add for myself being tall, lean and fit. And smart. The smart one is being challenged recently with me not having a job suited to my degree.
They also have “beard shampoos” that can make the facial hair softer. Might be worth finding a brand with natural ingredients.
Omg I had this problem all the time when I was with my ex. One day he pointed out that my legs were overdue for a shave…so I pointed out that his face was overdue for a shave. Ended up telling him how raw and sore my face felt after kissing him. He would try to remember to shave for me after that. I don’t know how attached your guy is to his beard, but have you said anything to him?
Kit, wow, you had the same problem! Good thing he shaved for you. That’s love right there. 😉
This guy is growing a goatee, so I guess I just have to wait till it gets past the spikey stage. He is Latino so that makes it even coarser than it could be on a lighter-skinned guy. I said it hurt my skin and he said he was sorry. I try to redirect his attention to less sensitive areas than my poor face, or just avoid so much kissing.
Good advice on saying something to him. I think some guys do not realize what stubble feels like against delicate, female skin.
I’ve been contemplating getting dreads for a while, but my hair is literally Asian-straight without even a slight wave to it. My hair is just not the best texture to dread 😛 woe is me. I’m sure it’s possible, but I feel like it would require more “maintenance” to get my hair to dread than it would if I just blow dried it and combed it as usual.
Hmm.. maybe 🙂 Dreads can be as high maintenance as you make them.
Hi Tracy!
I’ve been visiting your site for a while now, and just love it! It’s really helped me get thru a huge acne flare-up which occurred in my mid 20s and my skin is so much better now, thanks to all of your research and advice. Also, I think it’s so wonderful how honest and open you are, and bring up such important topics that we all need to be discussing to learn grow as humans, so thank you!
I recently cut and combed out my dreadlocks which were attached to me for 6 years, and personally, it has been a total ego/identity shift. It was a little scary, mainly because for many years, I regarded them as my beautiful, goddess crown and one of my most attractive physical qualities. But what an amazing feeling to not have them as an identity crutch anymore!
Not to say that you, or anyone else with dreads should get rid of them… I think you look amazing and still find dreads very beautiful. But I agree with you, that it’s good to step back and take a look at these things that our egos feed on, try to shed them in order to evolve and let our authentic selves shine thru! Sometimes when I look back at photos of myself with long, blonde dreadlocks, I really miss them, but ultimately, I’m grateful for the reality check that shedding the weight gave me. Thank you so much for your writing, this site, and continuing to do good work for the world. Shine on, sister!!
Hi Lisa,
Yay, I’m so happy to hear that your skin has improved so much! Awesome 🙂
As for the dreads, that’s really cool. I’m glad you shared that. Sometimes I think of getting rid of them simply because they can be a big pain in the ass in some regards – mostly in the summer if I want to go swimming! When they are tied up in knots on my head like that, I have to undo them all (which is a mega pain) if I go swimming otherwise they won’t be able to dry …. but then if I decided to go for it, having long wet dreads all day feels too much like the swamp girl to me so I hated that too!
As a result… well, I spent 6 months in Australia last year and barely went swimming at all, and I was a little mad at myself for it, and almost resentful of them. That’s actually why I cut them short. I almost got rid of them, but then chickened out and decided to just cut them short. But then I don’t like them a whole lot when they’re short because they’re hard to style, so I wear the hat, which I kind of feel naked without now.
In the end, I’m like… maybe it really would be easier to just get rid of them. But then I wonder if that would actually curb the ego thing, because I’d probably worried about having my straight hair styled properly too!
I’ve learned a lot during those last months, one of them was trying not to care of what other people thinks of me, thing is.. I haven’t really learned how to handle a situation where I KNOW that people are either laughing of me or talking behind my back. I still don’t know how to handle that situation yet.
Hi Adel,
Yes, admittedly I’m sure it’s plenty easier to not care if nobody is making fun of you!! Hopefully if you have to go through that you’ll find you are stronger than you think 🙂
Yea, I can relate with the swimming and dreadlocks frustration… That was one of my main motivations for getting rid of them. I live part-time in Sri Lanka and am a total water baby, but found myself avoiding the ocean because I didn’t want heavy, wet hair for 12 hours afterwards! It also kinda hurt my neck to do yoga and run and they’d get in the way when I was hula hoop dancing too. I cut mine short too and wore them like that for a few weeks, but in the end, they just had to go. I was also concerned about becoming obsessive about cutting and styling my hair after having dreads, but I haven’t at all. I think the experience of having a low-maintenance hair style for so many years was good in teaching me to just let it be naturally beautiful.
Nice! That’s good to hear. Did you comb them out or cut them off? And do you wear your hair short or long now?
Hey Tracy!!
Thanks for opening up to us about this! I feel a lot like you on a lot of things! Such as instead of the hat, im always wearing a scarf, until soneone commented to me.. Youll prolly be wearing a scarf in the summer, then i remembered your blog and was like, hey this must be an image thing?! Lol
I also related to just wanting to go home and read a book or sumtn like that! Lol.. When i was younger, it seemed like i cared less what ppl thought of me, but now that im 23, its like more is expected of you, as far as society..
Thanks again!/) you really have me thinking of this lately
Yep, I totally wore my hat all summer!!
Yes, as another commenter put.. Im also trying to care less of what others think of me! Even though its not easy!
Because you really cant please everyone all the time! Sone ppl will criticize you regardless of what you do! But sometimes i fAllinto the trap of being a ppl pleaser and instead of saying how i feel, i hold back and then regret not speaking up! Lol.. Its crazy, but i really want to start working on it and your blog is helping me!;)
I cut my dreads to about chin length and then combed them out, which took around 14 hours with the help of my wonderful manfriend. When I combed it out and got it trimmed, it was about shoulder length and now it feels like it’s growing freakishly fast. I guess my ego just can’t wait to have long flowing blonde hair!
I was taking a yoga class the other day, and I thought the teacher was an absolute idiot, but then he said this:
“everybody has something that they want to fix. the thing is, when we focus so much on what we want to fix, there’s a whole lot that we miss out on.”
That day, I had a huge cystic zit on my left cheek. The whole class I was thinking about it, and when he said that I realized that, damn it, he was right. It’s comforting to hear this fact, that everybody has something they want to fix (not just people who have acne!), and that the more attention we give to that “thing,” the more we miss out on the good stuff that could be happening…maybe even the solution for the thing we want to fix in the first place!
thought it was relevant – thanks for your post, Tracy!
Hi Angela – That is so true! It is crazy how much we miss out on the good things in our lives because we are focusing so much on the things we don’t like. We really are only sabotaging ourselves when we do this.
This was such a powerful and inspirational article, I agree completely with how you feel about how people suddenly think they need to look a certain way or worry about what others think. Your so strong and independent, I really look up to you 🙂 I’m 17 and in this time in my life its easy to get lost trying to be someone you’re not but I’m really hanging in there! lol I’m getting dreads in june and I’m so excited because I’ve finally realized its what I want to do and I could care less about what any negative people say about it. I have very supportive friends and family members and that’s all that matters! thanks for writing this post:)
Awesome Gloria, keep on being you 🙂 I know it is super difficult when you are in high school to really truly be yourself and not worry what others think… it’s a lot easier once you graduate and find that in the wide world, there are a lot of different types of people, all being happy doing their own things and being their own people, and it’s awesome because you get to CHOOSE who you hang out with, instead of just being forced into this group of people who may or may not like what you do…. anyway, I’m glad you are getting dreads if that’s what you want to do 🙂 keep rockin on
After my jojoba oil hellish weeks I finally turned to honey and its working wonders. Next up im going to try manuka as well as going dairy and citrus free. Then gluten free if neither of those work……….progress, and resisting accutane……… I LOVED the ebook from the doctor about acne and emotions. I am working on those exercises. Thanks Tracy!
Nice Jo! One foot in front of the other, and you’ll find your way. And yes, that book from Dr. Grossbart about the emotions is awesome. love x
hey i was looking for different methods on how to prune olive trees and somehow ended up on your video about oils and how healthy/unhealthy each can be when heated….ended up on your site reading about your armpit hair. lol. anyway i think your awesome.
Tracy!
I am a regular of your website, and am always interested in your videos that pop up in my youtube feed as well. I love how you’ve changed my perspective on healthy living (especially during this stressful acne prone time I’m currently living in) and really, I just think you’re great.
But this article was the sinker, I appreciate your honesty and open-ness with the whole internet world. You definitely get me thinking about my life, and how to make it healthier both inside and out.
Thanks,
Acadia
Thanks Acadia! I’m happy to hear I get you thinking about these things 🙂 Thanks for being a Love Vitamin fan!
Hi Tracy,
Was just reading your post and thought I would suggest two amazing books by Ekhart Tolle. Don’t know if you have ever heard of him but I am reading one of his bookes now called “The Power of Now” and also read “A New Earth” a few months ago. He talks a lot about freeing yourself from the ego and how it always likes to attach itself to identities; for example as you were saying being a hippie means I shave my armpits, or vegetarian and that I am supposed to behave in a certain way etc. Anyways, really enjoyed this post and would definitely suggest “Power of Now” first before his other book. His teachings are based mostly on Buddhist and other spiritual thought.
Thanks for your suggestions Sophia 🙂 I actually have read both of them and they are amazing! I’ve taken away so much from them. I even made a video a long time ago about the Power of Now and another similar book: https://thelovevitamin.com/2738/two-powerful-books-that-have-changed-my-life/
Hi really like this post and i feel you were very honest and it takes a lot of courage to open up about these things.
Im 23 and for me i feel i’ve changed a lot in the past three years. It started when i started researching more into eco living and the chemicals in makeup etc.
1) i used to always wear lots of makeup now i just wear a little mascara and do still feel a little nervous going out without it but i can do it.
2)I used to feel like i had to wear organic/hemp clothing and all the accessories only , as this reflected my interests and values. But now i’m much more flexible with my clothing and just wear what i like although i still gravitate towards earthy/hippie style clothing i don’t feel as restricted in my choices.
i’ve come to realise people are going to always misjudge you on first impressions regardless. like you say you might consider yourself as part of a certain group like ‘hippie’ but as we’re all indiviudal we don’t neccessarily live up to all the criteria for this.
I always get called a hippy which i don’t mind but people assume you have to live up to the stereotype: smoke pot, have a camper van, not shave etc etc and i guess this is the problem with stereotypes!
3) i used to feel when a teenager i had to always dress ‘sexy’ and show off my figure. But now i wear something because i like it and don’t see being attractive to the opposite sex as my main priority. People really do expect you to dress a certain way as a young woman which is interesting. A work colleague recently hinted that i dress a bit middle aged, which i assumed was just because i dont flaunt it all the time. This made me laugh and i am kind of glad that i don’t succumb to the pressure to do this anymore. If i wanna wear a maxi skirt and a baggy t-shirt i can, and ill feel great and cool in the summer heat and feel elegant. Why should ‘sexy’ be the number one aspiration for young women?
Anyway i rambled a little too much sorry but really love your blog, and wanted to share my story x
That’s awesome! Thanks so much for sharing Sahara – I find it very interesting hearing other people articulate their image things
I’m really self-conscious about the fact that I’m a 22 year old virgin. I’ve only been on a couple of dates, I’ve never made out with a man, I’ve never done anything with a man at all. I guess I technically lost my virginity to a woman (who doesn’t experiment at some point?), but since I’m a straight woman I don’t really count that. I seriously get so tongue-tied and end up acting all aloof and cold — either that or I instantly friend-zone because I’m so scared of dealing with relationships.
Tracy…OMGOODNESS! It’s like I was reading a journal entry written by myself! I, too, have this weird preoccupation with being accepted by the alterna crowd here in So. California, however, my immediate circle of friends doesn’t really have any. So in our circle, I’m sort of the lone “hippie” girl. I, also, have another obstacle to my feeling accepted and comfortable in my skin – I’m 356 lbs and 5’5″. So being a very large woman, then a non-shaving, patchouli and hemp necklace wearing, festival dress and Birkenstock donning “hippie” on top of it? That’ll mess with ya! LOL! I definitely understand the feeling of always wearing a hemp/crystal necklace or a tam/hat to “identify” yourself. I don’t have severe acne per se, but I do have rosacea and feel like everyone is staring at my bright red cheeks when I go makeup less, and notice it flares less when I don’t (I’m trying to calm the flares by implementing a lot of your techniques and they appear to be working), but feel self-concious being bare faced. My husband is not a hippie, but loves me and my hippie ways, however, I do beg him not to shave his beard (because he looks a lot younger which makes me feel I look older). So it’s funny to me that you and I share so many of the same fears/anxieties. A kindred spirit, you are! I have a pixie cut, but once I’m a stay at home mom (working on that in the next few months to be home with my 5 year old daughter), I’m growing dreads because I’ve always wanted to have them. Anyhow, I’m feeling so blessed to have found your corner of the web. I’ve been watching tons of your videos. I found you while looking for info on the Diva Cup before I got mine. Sending happy and peaceful vibes your way, mama! XOXO Sarah
Thanks Sarah! Glad you could relate to the article! love xo
Hey, thanks for the article.
English is not my native language so sorry to everyone who is going to bother to read this ^^
Part of my image is :
1. being a good student, and even somewhat of an “intellectual”… I realized that I didn’t necessarily pursue what I thought was a dream job (journalism) primarily because I loved it but because of the “aura” that it would give me. Somehow I’d still like to get this job, but I now think this is not 100% me and for doing something that’s not 100% you, it’s a serious pain in the ass.
2. like you, being fun & adventurous. I’m definitely much of an introvert. I compromise less on that topic nowadays. I’ll skip drinking nights with bad company without any regrets afterwards. I’ll avoid doing stuff that makes me feel unsafe or uncomfortable. I never had the issue of the “hot boyfriend” thing because I think that by making me a happier person, he’s the main reason why I care a lot less about other people’s opinions (cheesy, I know =)).
3. having nice clothes on. Even if I have a very conscious way of approaching it (environmental/ethical), good clothes are not going to give me the life I want.
The thing is, if I had a whole life of leasure, I would spend it reading, writing, riding a bike, hanging out on a beach, travelling and cooking. And I don’t need any of those three points to get the life I want. This is what I tell myself when I get too caught up in other people’s opinions.
Thanks so much for sharing your insecurities and being so honest! It’s funny because I tootally stress over some of the same things you just mentioned. I loved reading your personal stories and thinking “haha, I have thought the exact same things before!” Especially the hot boyfriend thing. It’s funny how people all think the same…and yet we don’t judge others the way we would judge ourselves?!
I also very very much struggle with the looking young thing, I can totally relate!! It’s probably the biggest insecurity I have. I’m 27, small, thin, and blonde like you, and still get people asking me what high school I go to, or they make a huuge deal when they do find out how old I am. I know I shouldn’t care, but I just want people to take me seriously and not treat me like a teenager. I get very anxious when I go out with my friends because I think “they all look their age and I just look like a child”…so then I spend hours trying to find clothes, hair, makeup etc. to age myself. It’s just all very ridiculous and I hate it! BUT something I need to work on…and it’s really nice to know I’m not alone!
I have never had really bad acne, but had pretty bad perioral dermatitis, which my Dr. told me was basically “hormonal acne” around my chin area. It has come and gone, and I’ve taken antibiotics for it, but it keeps coming back. I am really getting into natural health and also have been reading up on Weston A. Price.. so when I stumbling across your blog I’ve been really encouraged to take my health into my own hands! I was just itching to get to the Dr. and get more antibiotics for my face, mostly because of the insecurity thing, “what if I’m not attractive”, or “what if it makes me look young” since younger people are associated with acne….
sigh! But, I’m happy to say I resisted and am mostly dermatitis free, plus I’m learning and more and more about how to be healthy/happy!!
Thanks so much for writing this blog, you are brave and really doing something helpful for others, which is most admirable 🙂
Hey Kate, really glad you could relate to this article! It’s funny, I feel like writing it and putting it in public actually really helped me move past a lot of this stuff! Afterwards I was able to cut off my dreads (which feels freeing), and I don’t feel as attached to my image as I was before. That looking young thing though… I don’t know. I feel like I’m slowly getting over it, but it still annoys me if anyone points it out hahah. I think I just deal with it better now hah.
Anyway, glad to hear things are going well for you and your skin, good luck on getting healthy!! 🙂 Natural definitely feels the best.
Dear Tracy,
A couple of hours ago I was looking on the internet for advice on what other supplements copper should not be taken at the same time with (such as zinc), and I actually have no idea why your blog was in the first couple of pages of Yahoo results for that topic, but I clicked on something and began reading your blog and jumping around from topic to topic… totally forgetting about my copper research.
I’ve now been in tears for the last half hour of reading (during the post and comments on the Samsara film, your video about what the Love vitamin is, and this post and the comments here, etc.) and I haven’t even gotten to the posts about your wedding or your life story etc.! –at least it’s a relatively full box of tissues on my desk, haha. 🙂
Partly I’m emotional because I have only been having 4 hours of sleep a night, partly because several areas of my life are in a real mess that can’t be easily solved, etc., but also because you just look so recognizable, because appearance-wise (eyes, nose, hair color, adorableness) you really could be my daughter, and the things you are thinking, learning, and writing about remind me so much of a path I could have taken when I was your age – I’m 46 and was not fortunate enough to have a kid or get married, which I feel awfully sad about maybe once a year (I try not to dwell on it), and I don’t think I’ve ever in my life, before now, seen another grown woman and thought, “If I had had a daughter, she would have been so much like this person.”
After reading several of your writing-only posts, I didn’t even want to play the first video clip I ran across on your blog because from the still image (paused at the start screen) I knew that watching it would feel strange. I don’t want to sound like a nut, and I swear I’ve never written anything like this before, let alone on a public comment area! (Thus the fake name and email address.)
Anyway, I probably won’t return to your blog after this visit, but I just wanted to wish you all the best. I’m so glad you got married to a nice-seeming guy and have so many good things in life ahead of you. 🙂
By the way, I won’t have the time to read your agnus castus/vitex/chasteberry posts that I noticed earlier, but I wanted to say that I used the herb for a few years with great results, but then at one point it started to do the *opposite* for me and I had to completely stop taking it — after researching why that might have happened (this was about 10 years ago now and I didn’t find much on it, but I found a few mentions of this scenario), I learned that as an adaptogenic herb, agnus castus has been known to help some women for a period of time and then stop working, or even cause the symptoms that it had been clearing up suddenly to get much worse – and it’s often not effective for those women in their lives afterwards. About 15 years ago, when Dr. Weil talked much more about adaptogens than he does these days, I think I read in one of his books that one should not use adaptogenic herbs until one has a definite need for them, and not to use them for too long a period (I think he said to use them for 6 weeks then take 6 weeks off, or something like that). I had forgotten about his advice on such herbs when I started taking the agnus castus, and I took it for about 25 days a month for a couple of years straight — I don’t know if the lack of a long break caused it to lose its effectiveness for me and then to backfire on my body chemistry, but I can’t use it now, which is unfortunate because my endometriosis etc. has gotten much worse, and I just wanted to voice a word of caution about it, especially if you do not go into that aspect of using medicinal herbs in your posts here (which maybe you already do).
Also, another health comment — when I started taking milk thistle about 5 years ago on casual advice I received from a naturopath whom I met whilst travelling, I did not know that it is a very powerful iron chelator (removes iron from the body, even taking it from the cells), and in the space of 3 months, my taking just a half dose of milk thistle per day caused my serum ferritin to drop below the deficiency level, which is definitely not good or healthy for me because I’ve struggled for many years with low iron due to heavy menstrual blood loss and I have to take prescription-strength iron pills as a matter of course (the milk thistle trounced them though!) Otherwise, the milk thistle was great for my digestion, constipation, etc., but I had to stop taking it, and I’d caution other women out there to be aware that it pulls iron and other minerals from the body (which can be very beneficial for some people, but not for everyone).
Be strong and brave, and keep your heart open and true.
Lots of “Vitamin L” to you, dear girl!
Anon lady
Hi Anon Lady,
Thank you for coming and sharing your thoughts (and your helpful advice about vitex and milk thistle – thanks). Curious who you are and what you look like now! I wonder if you look like my actual mom hah. Also thank you very much for commenting on this article, I enjoyed coming back and reading it and finding how much of my image I have let go of since I wrote this (quite a lot and I know this article really made a huge difference in allowing me to let it go!). Sending you love xo
Thankyooooou for this blog! I’m from New Zealand & have had my dreads for 9 years now & for the last 3 years have been really struggling with wanting to cut them off (they are so long & heavy & seem to weigh me down in more ways than one) but not being able to. I desperately wanted to find someone out there I could relate to & seek guidance/wisdom/advice on the matter. This article & the video you made after cutting your dreads off are amazing. I’m experiencing the lot & just in the last week have been doing some serious self-reflection. I originally got my dreads because I wanted to reflect on the outside how I felt on the inside: at 21 I was renewed back to my roots after ending a 3 year relationship, I felt liberated, free, independent. 9 years later its like there’s been a shift in where my security lies. It no longer lies within but sits wound on top of my head. They’ve become a huge part of my image & therefore hold alot of my self-confidence. The emotional attachment to what they represent is very strong. They symbolise the type of person I was when I got them, strong, confident, empowered. For so long, everywhere I go people have found me interesting or seem intrigued & secretly Ive come to enjoy the attention. The novelty never wore off. But will I still be interesting without them? I wont get the attention anymore & will ‘blend in’ as there’s nothing ‘special’ about me anymore. This makes me feel disappointed. I cling to the identity they give me but am a pendulum…I want to cut them, no I dont, yes, no, yes, no etc. You said in your video ‘what will people think o f me without dreads? What will I think of myself? Its SO SCARY!!!’ And I thought YES! This is how I feel. I up-keep an image because I value so much what people think of me. So I am in this place, processing my thoughts & writing them down. Its been 3years & I havent let go yet. I wonder if I can do it. I wonder if I want to. Is safe here under my dreads. Thanks for your insight though, Im finding it really helpful x
Hi Jesse,
If you’ve been thinking about it for that long … just do it! You won’t regret it. Honestly, I am so happy I ended up doing it. And you saw how scared I was. It feels great to be rid of them, because I don’t have to cling to that image anymore, I can just be who I am. You will find that you will still be you. You might not get as many random compliments in the streets, but you’ll still be every much as interesting. For real. Just do it.
Tracy I can well relate to this story of yours since I have also been struggling with it since the last 17 years. But lately, I have started seeing the rays of hope.