Don’t worry – this shocking title is not what I think. But that is the message that is pounded into our heads day after day to the point where our entire culture believes this. I’ve been brainwashed about it too. Everyone has.
Whenever I go to write a blog post for you Love Vitamin fans, it’s usually because there is something that has been on my mind lately or has popped up over and over again and just wants to get out on paper. Well, lately it’s been this thing about sexual objectification of women.
What is sexual objectification?
Sexual objectification is when someone has been reduced from a living breathing person with feelings, to nothing more than an object whose entire existence is for the purpose of pleasing someone else’s sexual needs. Kind of like a sex toy.
That might sound a little extreme, but it’s not.
Everywhere you look in the media, women are being reduced to sex objects. They are being portrayed as nothing more than body parts. Men’s needs and wants appear to be more important than how the woman feels. A very narrow definition of beauty is paramount. Sex is used to sell everything, and it tends to focus on women’s sexuality as the selling point. Violent and demeaning images are becoming more and more common.
It has gotten to the point where girls are taught from a very young age that the very most important thing about them is how they look. And boys are being taught that that is the very most important thing about girls.
Their abilities, their kindness, their strength, their generosity, their determination, their loving heart – nope. Don’t matter.
You can see this by the fact that when you get a woman in a position of high ranking status – like a politician or judge – it never stops mattering how she looks. We don’t care if she is the brightest, most ambitious, and most powerful lady in the land, whose career has NOTHING to do with how she looks – the conversation never totally leaves how she looks. And due to objectification she just can’t win even if she does fit the “picture of beauty”. Hillary Clinton is a professional and stoic? She’s a bitch. Sarah Palin is good looking and feminine? She’s a ditz.
No matter how powerful, her worth is still based on how attractive she is, or at least it is always brought up. Where as with a man, there is definitely a point where people stop talking about it.
For example, you may notice in movies and TV, unattractive men (I mean this in a stereotypical sense) can have have leading and supporting roles, yet still be a smart, interesting, funny and dynamic character (think Drew Carey, Steve Buschemi characters, the sidekick guy from Superbad).
However, almost all leading and supporting roles are of classically attractive women. If a female in a supporting role is unattractive, every line and scene she is in has to be completely focused on how fat and disgusting and horrible she is (think Mimi from the Drew Carey show, or sidekick from Bridesmaids). That is all that she is. Her entire purpose for existing in the show is to be degraded.
If a male comedian is unattractive? Cool. A female comedian makes a few poor jokes? Well, she’d probably be a lot funnier if she didn’t have so many wrinkles.
Those boys who raped that girl over in somewhere Ohio and got sentenced to two years in juvenile detention and put on the sex offender registry? The media seemed to only be concerned about the fact that the poor football players’ promising futures were now ruined by the sentence, not the feelings of the girl whose body got used without consent for their pleasure.
People act like women OWE them to look a certain way, or use their sexuality a certain way.
When a celebrity puts on some weight? She’s a fat bitch. Celebrity loses weight? Anorexic bitch. Woman doesn’t want to have casual sex with you? She’s a bitch. Woman does have casual sex with you? She’s a slut.
Everything she does is reduced to her ability to be sexually and visually pleasing to other people. And if she isn’t appealing? She’s degraded. And if she IS appealing? Still degraded.
It’s not just men saying this stuff either. Men are not the enemy, only fellow products of a f*%#ed up society. Us women are digging our own graves, judging one another, calling each other bitches and sluts, focusing on their fellow women’s appearances, and propelling the objectification culture forward. We are soooo brainwashed.
As a result, we are also self-objectifying. We are hyper aware at all time of how we look to other people to the point where we can’t concentrate on anything that actually matters. It often seems for many women and girls that the most important thing in life is to be eye candy for someone. And the worst part is that we’ve confused objectification with empowerment. We are eating up the message that we are actually sexually empowered by all this, when that couldn’t be further from the truth.
For more of a visual explanation of this whole concept, check out this trailer for documentary Miss Representation:
You can watch the whole documentary here. It kind of made me cry.
Why has our culture been engineered this way? Because the more insecure you are, the more shit you’ll buy to make yourself feel better. By better, I mean reach some unattainable freaky standard of beauty that has been set for us. Good thing you’ll never reach it, which means you’ll just keep buying shit!
Hey, it’s working. People are consuming more and more media every day, more and more garbage beauty products, and it’s practically impossible to find someone who is not at least somewhat insecure about how they look.
And I know – it’s not just women who are made to feel insecure by media, but women are majorly targeted in this sexually objectifying way. Men have their own challenges with society and media, mainly trained insecurities over power, wealth, and not being able to show emotions, and I don’t want to discount that. In fact, these issues facing men are only contributing to our gender bias issues since it is suggested that they are sissies if they stand up for women and treat them with respect.
Anyway… I know for a fact that this is why unhealthfully obsessing over having perfectly clear skin has been an issue for me in the past. It’s because I was trying to reach for and keep that narrow definition of beauty that I have been told is the most important part about me. Acne – especially severe acne, but mild acne too – was a major threat to my perceived self worth. That was why it has been so emotionally painful for me – not because of a few red bumps.
We’ve all taken this bait – hook, line, and sinker. And it really sucks, because unfortunately women aren’t believing in themselves that they can be great, powerful, amazing women. Our ambition is at an all time low because we think we can only be great if we look a certain way.
It’s probably because I have just written this ebook about facing your fears and following your dreams that this has come up for me so strongly – are my urges for you to be all you can be going to be trumped by this horrible message that we have all received??? Are my fellow ladies going to give up their chance to have AMAZING, fulfilling lives due to fears about how we look??
Why that Dove Ad Isn’t Doing Women a Service Like You Think
Another reason I decided to write this post is because of the recent Dove soap ad that’s been going around social media like wild fire. It’s being touted as an ad that ALL women should see.
If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a handful of women who get their faces sketched by a forensic artist based on the way they describe themselves. Then the forensic artist sketches a second drawing, this one is from the way a stranger who had spent some time with her described her face.
Basically, the drawings from which the women described themselves were a lot “uglier” than the ones described by the other person. By uglier, I mean less attractive than the standard beauty prescription of “thin, fair skinned, young, blue eyed, etc”.
The message was that you’re a lot more beautiful than you think you are.
And sure, that is a good message. We are obviously really, really hard on ourselves. But this ad is still telling women that their self worth is only based on how well they live up to the classically portrayed portrait of physical beauty.
I mean what if you actually look like the “ugly” drawings. Does that mean you aren’t worth anything?
I didn’t quite get this at first, when I first saw the ad. I watched it on Facebook, and I thought “hm. Well, that kind of seems up my alley as far as stuff I tend to share. Should I share this?”. A reader even emailed me and said this exact thing and suggested I share it.
Something about the idea felt uncomfortable though. I wasn’t sure why. Was it because everyone else was already sharing it and I didn’t want to flog a dead horse? Was it because, despite the seemingly important message, I knew it was still just an ad trying to trick women into buying crappy, chemical filled soap? (Did you know that apparently Dove is owned by the same company who owns AXE, whose ads are some of the worst offenders for objectifying women?)
Well anyway, something last night randomly compelled me to google and read about “sexual objectification of women”. And then today, I randomly came across this article, which explains exactly why this Dove ad is not God’s gift to women’s self esteem (seriously, read that article. It’s really enlightening).
And then it all clicked as to why I didn’t feel comfortable sharing it.
It kind of made me sad that this message is so entrenched in our society that people, including me, don’t notice this even when something like this is getting shared a gazillion times left and right all over the net.
Ladies – we are SO much more than our looks. Remember this every time you see an ad objectifying women, or any time your looks or bodies are commented on. Remember it if you are ever tempted to call a fellow sister fat or slutty.
There is nothing wrong with you – it’s our society that is wrong for reducing us to nothing more than tits and an ass. Don’t let advertisers get away with this! We are amazing and strong and worthy no matter what we look like. No matter how much we weigh, no matter how many wrinkles, and no matter how many pimples.
Turn off the TV, get off Youtube, and go find out who you really are!
love x
Watch Me Talk About This in Video
Have you noticed this whole objectification phenomenon? Does it concern you? What are your thoughts?
and yet I still want clear skin.
Yes, perfectly understandable 🙂 Of course. And I think that’s totally normal for anyone want to be free of acne. I mean, acne is a manifestation of a physical issue. It’s technically a disease. So I think it would be normal in ANY case to want to get rid of it and have clear skin, as clear skin is a sign of health.
I think the issue is that because the media has caused us to believe that our looks are our #1 sense of worthiness, and at the same time set impossible standards for our skin (never a pimple, never a clogged pore… heck, media would have you believe that people don’t even HAVE pores!)… well, instead of acne just being kind of an annoying problem, acne becomes this horrendously distressing soul crushing experience. You know?
Your passion is inspiring, your will is strong and your heart is caring…that is what makes you beautiful 🙂
Thank you Tracy, for sharing this article with us.
Thanks for reading it Tara 🙂
Thank you for your post!
You may enjoy what the women say over at beautyredefined.net. I found them about a year ago & have been trying to change my mentality ever since.
Hi Beth,
I think I came across beautyredefined while reasearching this post, and just checked them out more. Great site!
Funny, I just had this discussion last night with my wonderful mother in-law who has lived a rich life working in women’s rights and social justice in various communities throughout the west coast and northern Canada.
She gave me some great advice that was really quite simple. This isn’t for everyone but it could be helpful to someone. She said to go out and give support to that feminine side of yourself that you feel is overwhelmed and struggling. Try and meet some new like minded individuals and spend time with women that you look up to. It could mean joining a club at university, a women’s sports team, reading group, volunteering for a community women’s group, women’s business group etc etc. Basically try and find space in your life to possibly meet some great female mentors. Mentorship and real life role models make a huge difference in men’s personal and business lives, women do the same but you have to try harder to find them!
Obviously this isn’t the answer to completely changing the sexual objectification of women but it can help break the cycle of negative thoughts about oneself. The most secure and confident women that I know are the ones that are involved in their communities.
You are absolutely right…the more media I consume, the more overwhelmed about this subject I get. Taking a break from the computer always makes me feel better.
Tracy thank you for talking about this and creating a place for discussion!
Hi Candice,
Great points! In the full version of that Documentary I linked to “Miss Representation”, they talk about that exact thing: that women won’t aspire to be what they can’t see. In other words, if we don’t see women doing ambitious and important things, then we will not know that we can do that too. You’re right – seeing strong women mentors making things happen is what we really need to see.
So sad and true… it reminds me of the outrageous number of women who elect for cosmetic surgery risking health and life to fulfill the narrow beauty expectations of others…and women who opt not to breast feed their babies in hopes that their breasts will not sag… Craziness. Priorities need to be refocused.
Oh wow, I didn’t realize that was a reason some women don’t breastfeed. That’s terribly sad.
Tracy, I think I watch your videos because you are young and good looking and because you feel good about yourself. I think I’ve seen women in relationships that I think are more attractive to me because of the relationship that their in. Attracted in a respectful way, being respectful of the relationship. Might being good looking be one of the easiest ways to feel good about yourself? Or maybe just making an improvement to your looks being a reason a person feels better about themselves. More to the point, if I can. With-out feeling good about yourself would being good looking be as much benefit ?? Might whatever makes a person feel good about themselves be a great thing? Maybe I’m getting off topic if the topic is that when a woman is not good looking they are treated worse than an unattractive man would be. It seems to me that outer expectations are less significant that what an individual believes there is to gain inwardly. I’m just falling back on an idea that there are so many more ways for a woman to feel better about themselves as a result of manipulating appearance than there are for men. Maybe that’s it – is it about women being programmed to believe that looking better makes them feel better about themselves and there is fault to be found in that. On a side note, to have your image so clear and large in my face in front of me and with you appearing to feel great about yourself…. It does something for me on a psychological level as if, at least in those moments, I am with a women who also feels very good about herself. As if psychologically I’m being credited. Something having to do with the value of good relationships.
Hi Miles,
I’m not exactly sure what you mean to say… you’re wondering why it is that I think it’s a bad thing that improvements to your appearance can make you feel better about yourself?
I would say what you said: it’s because we’ve been programmed to believe that physical beauty is the most important thing about us. And sure, maybe you feel good about yourself when and if you feel like you look okay (some people are never happy with their appearance and never have been), but what happens when you don’t? What happens when you get pimples, or when you start getting wrinkles and grey hair, or put on a few pounds, or just in general you aren’t white, large chested, thin, curvy, or tanned? That’s the problem there.
For myself, I know that I fit many of the “classic” checkpoints for female attractiveness – thin, white, young, blue eyed. But I also have small breasts, ribs and hip bones that stick out, a soft belly, and I get acne, all of which are not “ideal” and have upset me at one time or another in the past. If I feel I’m looking good, I can be confident – sure. But if anything threatens that even slightly (like acne), then I feel bad. It shouldn’t be this way – caring about looking presentable is fine, but it just shouldn’t be the “make or break” thing about our self esteem.
I guess I am trying to minimize the negative issues pertaining to over emphasis on beauty and being attractive by saying the result of improving your appearance will likely have you feeling better about yourself. Feeling better about yourself is good. Imagine everyone not caring how they looked. Think we have health care issues now??? Also that the programming is less likely to be as large a negative to sane stable people because what they feel there actions will do for themselves is more significant than any effort to program or condition. Entertainment is always taken to extremes and that is what most everything in the media is, entertainment. Most important and valuable things have to do with relationships that make you feel better in any sustainable way.
I think not caring about how you look and relating that to personal health can go two different ways. The first being the typical “I don’t care about myself so I’m just going to be a slob.” which will definitely lead to health care issues. That may indicate that the person not only cares about the way he/she looks to others but that he/she doesn’t care about his/herself either, both physically and emotionally. The second way that it can go is “I don’t care what others think about me but I value myself.” I guess you could call that going against mainstream media. A lady/gent may still eat healthy, exercise regularly (a “hot body” is a by product of these inputs) and still value his/her opinion of him/herself over the opinions others have of them. I think “not caring” what you look like really boils down to how you feel about yourself, positive or negative.
Yes! Very good distinction Heather
I’m a man and I understand how wrong media portraits women as a kind of a cute decoration and “pleasure” machine. However I do not believe women or men are hopeless. We are only victims of these trashy philosophies because we’ve not done our homework. The big companies, governments, and specially the people who run the society are only concerned about POWER. They do whatever it takes to keep the masses worried about petty needs. We have to be responsible for the choices we make in life. We have to think. How do I spend my time? Watching mindless stupid TV shows? How do I spend my money? Buying chemical-laden toxic toiletries to attract women who probably don’t even value themselves as a person? Am I being brainwashed by the TV, the government or the “experts”? Why don’t we research more information about it? Why don’t we experiment and find our own conclusions? Why don’t we challenge every single belief we have? Why do we feel so afraid to not fit in this society? True change requires courage. Dare to challenge the system. Women don’t need anyone’s approval. Don’t play the game. Value yourself. Value your body as a holy place. Treat sex as a sacred gift of life to be shared with your husband only. Look for a worthy person to marry or remain single. Refuse to compromise your ideals. Don’t blame. Grasp destiny in your own hands. Don’t be afraid to break the beauty expectations.
We as humanity need to be enlightened. We’re still living in the dark ages. The non-censored internet is a massive weapon. Keep researching, learning, experimenting, challenging.
DON’T PLAY THE GAME! Set your own rules!!! If you want to change society start by changing yourself!!! That’s more than enough!!!
Totally, thanks for saying that Jorge. Completely agree.
Jorge, I agree with some of your points. HOWEVER, I totally disagree with “treat sex as a sacred gift of life to be shared with your husband only”. That’s bullshit! And feeds right into slut-shaming! And besides, not every woman wants to get married! We have to not place so much emphasis on this whole “virginity” thing. It’s very puritanical and a TOTAL double standard (men wouldn’t be told to treat sex as a sacred gift to ONLY be shared with their wife!)
Belle, I understand that most people (either men or women) won’t submit to the idea of treating sex as a gift of love and life. It requires a holistic view of the meaning of life and the value we have as human beings. For some people sex is nothing more than an amusement park, for some women it is a way to keep a man from leaving and for some men it is a way to affirm their “manliness”. For me sex is somewhat complex. It has an incredible potential to enhance one’s life if one happens to know all of his secrets. My views are not just puritanical. I’ve also researched into sex biochemistry and ancient teachings from Taoism, Hinduism and a little bit of Judaism. They explain how to use sexuality in a way that you will never learn from “the experts”. Read “The Taoist Secrets of Love” for some enlightenment. If we use sex just for the sake of it, then we’re going to be in trouble sooner or later.
On a side note:
I have to confess that a woman who hasn’t been “touched” by a random guy is way more attractive than the one who let that to happen and didn’t marry him. Unconsciously I regard her as a more valuable person (even though her value has nothing to do with my opinion). Unconsciously I feel like she loves herself a lot and she has very high values and principles. Unconsciously I feel like she has a good head on her shoulders and she is more likely to be successful in life. It’s not like everyone else is worthless but it just awakens my admiration and respect.
Thanks for the comment.
Jorge, I agreed with most of what you said in your first comment, but…. come on. Does this purity standard you have apply to men too? Should a woman feel that a man who has not been touched by random women is more attractive and likely to succeed in life? If no, this is sexist bullshit.
Also how is it not contradictory to say that you regard her as a more valuable person if she is “pure”, but then say that her value has nothing to do with her opinion (you just said her life has value according to her opinion!). I mean, you can have your own opinion about anything, but this IS a totally sexist opinion.
Tracy, I believe so! Men destinies appear to be changed dramatically by their views about sexuality and the role women have in their lives. Success author Napoleon Hill wrote a whole chapter in his book “Think and Grow Rich” called “The Mystery of Sex Transmutation (The Tenth Step toward Riches)”. It is mostly for men because he understands that the role of men and women are biologically different and that doesn’t make God a sexist. It’s just the way things are. In this chapter he explains how sex could be the major repellent or the biggest propellant of success. To make things simple, unrestrained sex is very taxing in the male body. Ever wonder why most men get tired much faster than a woman would? We are sexually weak. The ancient Taoists believed massive amounts of chi were lost during ejaculation and sperm was made from the brain. The analogy here is that overindulgence in sex makes men stupid and less successful in life. Men should only ejaculate for procreative purposes. Semen is too precious to be wasted in a fleeting orgasm.
Even though virginity has been specially acclaimed in women, I believe men who keep their virginity until marriage, forgo masturbation and avoid pornography like the plague are in a higher status and enjoy a wide arrange of benefits in their physiology, mental health and spirituality.
It’s a shame to see women saying that virginity is sexist bullshit. I don’t blame you. We live in a screwed up world and education is a joke. The only way to wake up and get ahead in life is to question yourself and find answers on your own.
By the way, Tracy. I’ve learned a lot with you and you’ve made my life better. That caveman regimen is doing wonders in my skin. So, thanks a lot for that. I appreciate that you chose to help people as a career. That’s really something to be proud about. Keep it up!
Hi, I realize this I’m a bit late on reading this post (which is great btw Tracy), but I wanted to give my perspective and why I agree with Jorge.
I am a 21 year old woman. I am getting married in less than 3 weeks. I am a virgin and so is my husband, and this makes me very happy. It takes a load of anxiety off. Obviously, those without sexual histories don’t have to worry (mostly) about STD’s. Less obvious is the emotional load associated with sexual histories. If my fiance were more sexually experienced than me, I would be afraid of being judged. Am I a better lover than his ex? As good? Different? Similar? My fiance might not even mean to compare me with his ex, but at the same time he might not be able to NOT compare me. Likewise, I would hate to marry my fiance, have sex with him only to realize that he didn’t satisfy me as much as my ex (especially since I really, really love my fiance). Our lack of sexual experience allows us to meet each other from a place of sexual equality. We can learn about our selves and each other and not be embarrassed by our naivety.
Virginity is something I value in my fiance and it is something he values in me. This doesn’t mean that everyone has the same values. Some people may value a sexually experienced partner in life. We all have different things we value about people that attract us to them. Virginity isn’t the only thing I value about my fiance; I also value his intelligence, his generosity, his spirituality, his kindness, his geniality, etc. That’s why I’m marrying him. I value his identity and all that it entails.
I want to make clear that there is nothing wrong with being sexually experienced (non-virgin). I am not saying that anyone should be ashamed of their sexual history or that anyone who has had sex has an STD by default. I am glad we live in an age where we are capable of making our own sexual choices. Virginity is just one of the characteristics I am looking for in a life partner.
Hi Anna,
Thanks for sharing your perspective. I think it’s totally fine to value virginity, as long as someone who values virginity values it in both partners and not just the woman, otherwise I feel it’s sexist. At first that’s what I thought Jorge was saying, but apparently he feels it’s important for a man too, so.. okay 🙂
My, 2 cents. Is it only me or is it common sense that people who have no sexual release (go without sex) have something that can be called a quality or alluring about them. Is it basic chemistry?? Still allot pivots on being comfortable when it comes to making the choice, either way. A more comfortable person can more easily make a choice to have or not have – that sort of release. Well I guess if you took it to extremes, it would be hard for a super scared person to choose to have the release. Prompting my input is in regards to, “Unconsciously I feel like she has a good head on her shoulders and she is more likely to be successful in life.” I’d just leave off the, Unconsciously or replace it with something that expresses the appeal that has to do with retaining those energies.
Maybe way off topic – but I’ve often wondered, and still to this day, would couples that feel most comfortable with one another (relieved to be in the company of the other) have less sexual “tension”? Replace tension with any number of words. Desire, urges, compulsion…. Is procreation or even just the sex act more of a choice for those couples than some sort of biological need??? How many ways does this need said for it to be understood?? Is it unbelievable to think that a person might feel so relieved to be in the company of the other that sex is muted in some way. Is it realistic to even imagine a pair of people being able to truthfully say to each other that each is more comfortable with the other than they would be alone??? “you know, hunny, I am more comfortable with you than by myself. I am relieved to be in your company” Would that be fictional fantasy or something a person might think that to completely avoid relationships?? Like if not that then nothing at all?? Why be with a person if you are not more comfortable with the person than you are alone?? Does it even ever happen – that a person can truthfully say (and not because they would be starving or something) – I am more comfortable with you than I am alone and relieved to be in your company ????
I would say yes, because a lot of people don’t like being in their own company because it forces them to look at their own issues and fears.
That’s just sad. Like starting from a bad place. I mean as if each is fine and functioning self sufficiently alone. Accepting my own faults as I am alone – as is the other. Each is fine alone – starting from there.
I’d bet the more often than not couples are both people that think highly of themselves and respect each other but cannot honestly say to the other that they are relieved to be in the company of. Couples are getting together just because they can. And that is good. It’s the way it is and who can say anything against that? It’s like tolerance as a derivative of being capable. It’s all good – and those couples more often than not probably start from a very good place – from a place, as has been said, where they think highly of themselves – and before the relationship.
To wish for a person that I could say to – I am relieved to be in your company – might indicate to someone that for some reason, I am mostly uncomfortable with anyone in close proximity. Tossing the fifth out the window, I know. so it is
cant leave out – common goals, like family – and how common goals strengthen unity. Unity of a sort as in we both have this common goal and by the way, we are looking less at each other. Less about each other because of the common goal. More power to the people who have common goals – naturally…
rant??? – spam ? sorry, I hope I’m done
You’re right Miles. There is something alluring about people that control their sexual instincts. I believe it even shows in their physiognomy.
There are workarounds to enjoy sex in a healthy way but it requires discipline and commitment from both men and women.
When I say unconsciously I’m talking about judgments that we have of other people based on subconscious beliefs. For example, if you dress carelessly most people would have a bad impression of you even if you are a really good person. It’s unconscious.
I have to agree with the woman above on the one partner issue. I have only had one partner my entire life–my husband–and I’m still degraded by society. Men run around saying they slept with me when they haven’t and woman feed into it because of insecurities. I know I’m not the greatest looking person around, but if women are insecure, they’ll take whatever fake rumor pony that’s out there and ride it. That part of the issue really doesn’t matter here because sometimes you really can’t tell. Even virgins are slut-shamed.
Thank you so much for this article- I was actually reading your stuff and wondering whether you were a feminist and what your opinion on sexual objectification is as you run a skincare/acne website (I know it’s more as well!). I’m really pleased the ‘there’s more to women than our appearance’ movement is finally spreading everywhere, and it’s great that you don’t think it’s at odds with acne advice. I don’t either: there’s nothing wrong with caring about what you look like per se, but we shouldn’t define ourselves by appearance and neither should society. The only problem is getting into the mindset that we must have beautiful, unrealistically perfect, child-like skin to be accepted or worth anything, and loads of people with acne have this because of what the media tells us.
Yeah totally Alexa – I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to look put together, healthy, and presentable, but yeah… it’s just that the expectations for what “attractive” and “good looking” and “beautiful” are have become so ridiculously unrealistic that there’s just no way we can live up.
I know I have had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that maybe having completely perfect clear and even skin every day of the year (like is portrayed in media) is just unrealistic for an acne prone person, and that should be okay and not ruin our entire lives when we get a pimple or two (because if you look around, practically nobody in the real world actually has crystal clear skin all the time. The majority of people do get pimples sometimes and don’t have magically baby pore-less skin)
For anyone interested in reading more about self-objectification I highly recommend the book “Female Chauvinist Pigs” by Ariel Levy. It’s a great read! 🙂
Recommendation seconded. That’s a VERY good read, if you don’t mind getting flamingly pissed off at society.
In college I had a brilliant, older female professor (near retirement), and when a classmate got a poor grade in her course, he called her something I don’t even want to repeat…except that it contained the words “dumb” and “ugly” next to each other. What? For a woman with her doctorate and SO MUCH to teach us?
But attractive women are talked about in degrading terms too. Go to a bar and listen to groups of (some, not all) guys brag about the “hot bitches” they nailed.
Even in supposedly “empowering” movies/shows/etc, the woman is always, always hot (unless she’s there to be mocked). Ever hear the joke about Beauty and the Beast? “It teaches children that looks don’t matter…unless, of course, you’re the girl.”
I feel lucky that like you, I also have several markers of conventional female attractiveness – young, white, thin/petite, blue eyes. But in a way, I feel like these things are a line of defense. People use perceived physical “flaws” as a reason to treat others poorly. An overweight (ex) “friend” used to tease me for being small-breasted. A guy I politely turned down once said, “Yeah, well, you have no tits anyway.” A girl in my high school class used to express disgust over my breakouts at the time. Does anyone else feel like being good-looking is or can be a shield against cruelty? I know that it shouldn’t be that way, but sometimes I can’t help it. I feel emotionally ‘safer’ when I look better, because I feel like people value me more highly. Does that make sense?
Brain dump over. Beautiful article, Tracy. Wish I could applaud you for it.
Hi Kit,
Agh yes that happens ALL the time… I can picture that so clearly “Dumb ugly bitch” about a professor who didn’t do what they wanted… it’s sad. What do her looks have to do with anything!
Also, about looking better as defence. I can definitely see that. It’s probably always kind of a defence, actually… since essentially people are saying things about our appearance all the time (not just people, but the media), we are always expecting that we will get hurt or picked on or rejected or unloved if we don’t live up to that standard. That’s the root of it, isn’t it? Fear about that?
I do think that’s the root of it, yeah. Some people are cruel and will pounce on any perceived weakness in others…a physical flaw is an easily spotted “weakness” in our society. But even people who aren’t cruel just don’t notice unattractive people in the same way…even if they don’t mean to, they often make unattractive people invisible. So yes, I do think I worry about just being unloved, disrespected – or even mistreated and abused – if I don’t look conventionally attractive. Which is why I think I nearly gave myself an eating disorder trying to clear my skin. They’re not just spots to me – to many of us, I’m guessing.
Yes, DEFINITELY more than just spots.
I kind of think about it in terms of…. like when I had bad eczema on my hand, it was painful, uncomfortable, and unattractive. It really bothered me and I wanted it gone as soon as possible. But I didn’t go insane over it.
Essentially acne and the eczema I had were similar – unattractive painful red inflamed areas on the skin. However, the eczema didn’t have nearly – even CLOSE – to the same emotional panic and pain that acne on my face caused. Not even CLOSE.
And obviously it’s because marks on the face and certain other parts of the body are just so tied into these beauty standards, self worth, emotional defence, etc, that it causes such insane distress for so many people. If there wasn’t such emphasis on appearance as our entire worth, I’m sure getting rid of acne would be more of a … er…. relaxed pursuit, instead of acne being this thing that causes depression, eating disorders, anxiety, and social withdrawal.
I haven’t finished reading this yet, but I stopped at:
“In fact, these issues facing men are only contributing to our gender bias issues since it is suggested that they are sissies if they stand up for women and treat them with respect.”
Because it reminded me of something… I don’t watch much reality TV. Only one show, actually: Teen Mom. The original one. If you’re unfamiliar with it, a couple, Gary and Amber do nothing but fight, and Amber is extremely abusive to Gary, to the point that she is STILL in jail (also on drug charges). When interviewed by psychiatrist (and TV personality) Dr. Drew, Gary said that all of his “fans” were calling him “a pussy” for essentially not harming/restraining Amber. Given the opportunity not to, he treated Amber with respect, and the public called him a “pussy” for this. If a woman was being hit, she wouldn’t be called “weak” or a “loser” for not hitting back. Implying apparently real men don’t get hit, they do the hitting.
Finished the post, and one last mention. The Dove ads. I agree with what you’ve put out here, and the reason I DO NOT like ANY of those “real beauty” dove ads is not really a “good” reason. It is not a reason that helps us feel better about WHO WE ARE (as opposed to our looks). EVERY ONE OF THOSE WOMEN are STILL classically pretty. Yes, some have curves in parts that don’t comply with a “perfect ratio,” but NOT ONE OF THEM has acne. Not one. Not a single mark on their face. None of them have a weak chin or a large nose or have a unibrow, or hirsutism or anything like that. It pisses me off that we’re told their models aren’t beautiful models, but “real” women. Which is even worse than using models. It’s implying, no, SAYING that “REAL” women look like that, and if you are uglier than this, then you might as well just hide under a rock. “You’re so ugly, you couldn’t even get on a DOVE commercial.”
Yes, totally! I think you’re right on with both of your comments Jordan
Media. It’s about connecting and making impressions. It’s intended to benefit the sponsor. It is a lure and an effective one. It allures. Look at the reaction here – it stimulates interaction. Does it ever back fire? !@#$!, I could never look that good. Might it be that when your viewing the super fine people you feel more like them if only in those moments?? Is the intent one of competition as in, dang, now I need to look that way??? I think the intent has an expectation of an empathetic nature. Do most people, a majority, empathize. Brings me to thoughts of the evil mindless economy promoting constant consumption at any cost. Way more than my 2 cents. Could empathizing be sort of like food for thought as in, do I want to be sleazy or a sex object?? As food for thought what effects does it have??
Really awesome article, Tracy! It’s SO lovely to hear a woman unafraid to finally call bullshit! Thank you.
I’ve gotten to a point where I realize that this sexually objectifying and materialistic(for women much more effectively and viciously)is something I do not want to be a part of, but I find there’s still a powerful melancholy in the realization. On a basic psychological level I’m still crushed by it, however ludicrous or wrong.
In high school, when I started to get really bad breakouts, I would rely SO much on heavy, uncomfortable make-up, low-cut tops to show off my large breasts, my long(bleached blond)hair, and slender body (making myself vomit to stay that way). All the while, I hated constantly feeling cheapened by, and dependent on, how I was dressing and presenting myself (especially as my mother and sister were very naturally beautiful and very critical of my “slutty” or “spotty” appearance), but I never saw a way around it and craved SOME sense of value and distinction. I never did feel like I was ACTUALLY attractive when I presented myself the way I did–I just thought I could FOOL people or distract from the acne that (I felt unavoidably) made me ugly.
Now I don’t wear make-up, I always eat great food, and I no longer wear very low-cut things. I’m engaged to a good man, so I do think that makes all of these things easier. But I will say it is always REALLY hard to go out without make-up when my skin is bad, funnily enough not because I think it makes me ugly per se, but because it makes me feel utterly INVISIBLE. For some reason it’s still hard for me to have gone from hot to invisible (just because of a more informed and pragmatic outlook and lifestyle) because I have not yet cultivated any other way to truly evaluate myself in the world.
Even the language we (enlightened or not) all use regarding beauty is eerie: the idea that we want to look “presentable,” that our looks have “value” etc. All of it is steeped in the language of capital, of evaluating and bartering ourselves as if we’re goods…Do men speak this way of themselves? Of course not…for them all the trouble seems to be about masculinity and dominance, but at least there’s a fight to be had there. For women, we don’t even seem to have WORDS for a fight, or a way to start one and reclaim our femininity as something other than a long march to semiotic servitude.
I almost think this might all be harder for women who, as you say, ALMOST meet those qualifications of the ideal beauty. Instead of feeling as if you have to distinguish yourself through your mind, your personality, your brain, or your physical endurance, there’s this awful, all-consuming, inertia to strive for that “beauty” distinction that is “just out of reach” on a hierarchy that, like you say, is built to fail and to separate and break every single woman within its structure. Nevertheless, you find yourself at the bottom or with the “untouchables” so to speak, because having acne simply relegates you to it.
I remember you wrote a post a while back about stopping shaving your legs and armpits for a while just to try it. Some guy said something rude and I said something along the lines of women don’t owe an aesthetic debt to society, no matter how naturalized the idea has become. I’ve mulled over this a lot, and of course we don’t technically owe anything to anybody (de jure), but when we are born (de facto) into a psychology of debt, how is it that we don’t go around feeling indebted?
I don’t know, but I do love that there are women out there willing to question all of this.
You should be a writer Jordanna 🙂 so articulate! You formulate some great questions, and I don’t know the answers, but of course, it’s so important to talk about all this. It does wonder me how any of us could climb out of this since being so exposed to it from birth. But I have hope if enough of wake up and question it.
I can relate to you so much in this. I think you describe accurately what a lot of women go through. When I was little up until middle school I wasn’t particularly attractive because I had bad teeth and glasses. Then all of a sudden I became “beautiful” to people and that is all people have commented on up until a year or two ago. This is probably how I defined myself for many years, which is so horrible to think of. I still get it sometimes, but not nearly as much as I did when I was in high school, and just getting out of it. Anyways, this is also when my acne got a little worse, my self confidence went way down, and I also stopped caring so much what people thought. I stopped making my hair and makeup look perfect, but now that I care less and don’t put myself together as much, I get way less attention than I use to.
Even though I have to say I felt better that way, I also felt that same feeling you described. It just doesn’t seem fair that we have to spend so much time on our appearance for people to notice us or take us seriously.
Also, I would like to point out that being called beautiful and what people think is beautiful in our society has actually made me more insecure. I think someone pointed this out in a comment, but when I get acne or have bad skin, it literally affects my confidence so much to the point where I almost don’t feel worthy. I am afraid of people seeing me as “not beautiful” because that is what I feel like people have defined me as. I also feel I’ve gotten a lot more shy, and have really had to really find myself and who I am.
This post is actually perfect timing, and it is weird how the world works, because I have been reading a lot about women’s empowerment recently. In a month I will be doing an experiment of not wearing any makeup, hoping to help my skin out, but more importantly boost my confidence to not give an f what anyone thinks of me.
Thank you, Tracy!
And I agree with you entirely, Sarah, that having once been called beautiful or hot or sexy actually makes you more insecure. Because when you stop presenting yourself in the way that originally got you that reception, you fail to meet certain expectations that have been set up(which I think for women can feel especially shameful and uncomfortable)and as if you are forfeiting your status (which is alienating).
Well, it’s natural to be attracted to attractive people and there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with a woman who is taking care of herself to look her best and is embracing her own femininity. There is nothing wrong with a man feeling attracted to a pretty woman because she is pretty. It’s natural. And men are usually more visual.
But it’s also completely normal not to do all this. And everyone can be pretty. And yes, beauty doesn’t last forever. There’s nothing wrong with it (some women hate other women for being pretty and attractive). I think stunning beauty is a talant – like having an amazing voice. You can still be a great person without having a great voice but this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t appreciate someone who is gifted with an amazing voice and takes good care of it. Yes, it’s not all they have but why does society make it seem like looking good is kind of classless or shallow?
Of course, the media is awful. It’s normal to like beautiful people but media does control what we perceive as beautiful. Also, everybody has a different taste. Take tanned skin for example – when my grandma was young only white skin was considered beautiful and since her skin was kind of dark she cried and cried. Well, now I have white skin and it’s very difficult to tan, I’m always the whitest person on the beach and in the past I used to cry and cry for being so white. You see how ridiculous this is?
Also, when you go to a country whose culture is totally different you actually realize how ridiculous some of your cultural conditioning is and how meaningless is all this. I’m from Europe, let’s call it the West since we are mostly exposed to American culture and I’m living in Korea now. I was shocked by the beauty standards here. Here your skin must be white (every cream here is whitening), you must have big eyes with double eyelids, a small face and a sharp and pointy nose. The last one took me some time to figure out since it made no sense to me but in short it means that they want their nose to be bigger! I remember how much I struggled in the past because I thought my nose is too big and here everyone compliments me and wants my nose! (At first I thought they were insulting me actually). And plastic surgery is everywhere – some don’t even consider making double eyelids plastic surgery. So if you think it’s bad in the West, look at the East where appearance is everything and you cannot get a job if you are ugly. And their idea of beauty is so limited, a lot more limited than ours. Take a look at that: http://audreymagazine.com/all-asians-look-alike/
Korean girls have to take a lot of s#@% every day about the way they look. Of course, some people have outgrown it.
So all this made me realize how stupid are our own ideas of beauty (tanned skin, big breasts, full lips). The fact that everyone in my country seems to like them is not because they are universally attractive. If they were people from all around the world would agree. People have been conditioned to like this stuff.
So in a nutshell – I believe it’s normal and healthy to try to look your best, wear nice clothes, take care of your hair, etc. (the best way to do it with natural remedies of course) It’s normal and healthy to enjoy your young and pretty body while it is young and pretty. It’s normal and healthy to admire and appreciate beauty. However, it’s not healthy to identify with your body. And yes, media does something really bad with our self image.
Yikes! I didn’t know it was even worse in the east. I mean I knew they were into skin lightening creams, but good grief. Although I did come across this nose shaping clip the other day on a random Asian beauty website… I couldn’t read the caption so I was like WTF is that??? http://tinyurl.com/bvrb8my
…… I should have clued in then that things were amiss over there in the beauty frenzy department.
Anyway… I agree that it’s okay to look after your appearance… to a degree. I think the problem is when people feel pressured to, like… dress in a way that they wouldn’t otherwise if they weren’t objectifying themselves, or spend ridiculous amounts of money, time, and pain on beauty. I think that looking after your appearance should be a relatively easy task, and if it’s not easy, inexpensive, and painless, then it shouldn’t have to happen. But that’s not the reality for many women these days due to these beauty pressures.
Of course pressure is wrong. The West is very hypocritical. The society wants you to look good and puts pressure on you, at the same time shames you as shallow and dumb if you do look good and attractive. If a girl is feminine, likes spending time grooming herself, dresses sexy she is labelled as a dumb bitch. The East is more straightforward. The society here pressures you to look good and never shames you for being attractive at least.
I don’t think women who like to look good are shallow. I don’t think men who like attractive and pretty women are pigs. It’s a completely normal thing. Of course, people who are not attractive are by no way worthless. Attractiveness doesn’t last forever. Every person is precious, it’s true some are better looking, some are smarter, some are stronger, some are talented. This doesn’t define who you are.
I found your blog about a month ago and went way back to the beginning of your videos and absolutely fell in love with this site and the way you spoke in your videos. You’re so personable and likeable!! I have noticed though that the videos started to become more and more of you just reading the blog post you wrote out and less of you sharing your thoughts that go along with the written post. I really wish you would go back to your old way of doing it as I miss that personal way you came across. Either way know that you have a fan here and I love reading all of your posts!
Lol Julie you’re right. I was actually thinking that while watching this video that I made that I should go back to the previous way. It’s because I’m the type of person who wants to share ALL the info in my head on a subject and not miss anything… and when you’re just talking in a video off the top of your head, I’d always miss something and end up frustrating myself. So I started just formulating the blog posts first and then the videos, and then it was like… well I said it perfectly in the blog post… this way I won’t miss anything if I read along it……. but… basically… you’re right. It’s not as good. I almost annoyed myself watching this video ahahah.
lol I’m actually the same way when I’m talking with someone about something that I’m passionate about. So much so that I actually end up repeating myself constantly just trying to get my point across and making sure that I say it in several different ways so they’ll understand! lol
I really needed to hear this, and I appreciate the fact that you made this video. I knew other people felt like this, but I never realized how many. This really made me motivated to change my beliefs and make a conscience effort to stop telling myself I’m unattractive because of my skin. Especially being in high school it is very hard to escape that belief, but I am definitely working on it. I just wanted to say thanks for posting this!
So happy this made a difference for you Natalie 🙂
It’s weird. I have two jobs one of which I work only with men, and the other with women.. I actually feel a lot more insecure around the women. It’s like the beauty police. I feel like I am not worthy if I am not living up to the same beauty standards they are. Men, they don’t care and probably prefer me not to doll myself up. At least, I feel more confident looking professional but not playing up my looks. I don’t want them to see me as a sexual object. I want to be seen as competent and intelligent, not as a pretty face. But with women I am afraid if I am not trying to look my best I am seen as a threat or “not a real woman”.
Hi Autumn,
That’s interesting, but not that surprising. Often it really is women who are the worst perpetrators of this phenomenon. As I said, it’s not really men who are the problem itself, or the ones who always cause the problem on an individual level. It’s just a society wide thing that manifests itself in different ways with different individuals in different situations.
For example, it doesn’t surprise me that men at work wouldn’t put pressure on you to doll up. But do you ever feel at work when you are working with the men that misogyny comes out in other ways? Do you ever feel like you aren’t respected as much at your job? I think this is more common of course if you are doing the same the exact same job as men you work with. I don’t know what you do, so I can’t say.
Well, I work as interior designer/architect dreafter. So, yes I have experienced that women don’t always get the respect (especially designers working among male architects) as men do, but not always and the women that become successful in the industry are fierce. Me personally, I have less experience than most of the people I work with, so I don’t think I see the divide yet. But, I interestingly I feel like I can be more assertive with men, to demand the respect, but with women I tend to be more submissive, for the reasons mentioned in my last comment. Also, I am tall and was raised by a feminist mother and never used to try to conform to media standards. It has only been since I have entered the workforce that I feel these pressures. I guess at work I care more about what people think of me (it might be the cost of my job!).
or should I say felt these pressures more. It has always been there…
Who is the girl on the computer? Wow!
I saw this documentary and I have to thank you. I now understand the world a little bit better and it changed my life. We should be proud of being women. And we are definitely stronger than we let ourselves be. The world can be cruel but we need to keep fighting like the warriors we really are. Men aren’t pigs, they are just misunderstood… like us women.
What I tell myself everyday as I struggle with health problems.. and you know, life, (as it can be just as hard).. is “Think like a warrior”. They are powerful words and I want to share them with you Tracy. I hope that I can somehow inspire you the way you have inspired me.
With love
Those words feel very strong and powerful to me Anna. Thank you for sharing the… we are warriors!!
Hey Guys!
Tracy I wanted to say thank you so much for this article, and for your entire site. I got acne when I was just about 18 after having years of really flawless skin, it was devastating,and until that point I had no idea exactly how under the influence of societal expectations I was. And in fact, until recently though I may have been more aware of it, I wasn’t enough to break free from it.
My skin has gotten much better in the past year and a half, and my stress around it, (contributing to it) has gone down immensely, thanks in part to your wonderful website. But I also traveled abroad to Ireland during this time, and before leaving I was so nervous that what if the stress had me breaking out, and I’d be in a new place, and I’d need to be out all the time for school functions and of course I wanted to be! But when I got there, after a few weeks, and even more so coming home, I realize how much less I was inundated with sexual/physical/beauty related ads. Not to say that there weren’t any, but it didn’t feel overwhelming, and the people I met were more focused on going to a pub or out and spending time with other PEOPLE and actually talk and listen to each other, than going home to sit in front of a media outlet and be told how people should look or be. It was refreshing and freeing.
This is all a long winded way of saying, it has taken a long long time to love myself more, and I still struggle with it hugely, but the way you feel about yourself is influenced by those people you surround yourself with, and the media you intake. I’ve tried my best to stop buying crappy magazines and watching beauty related shows and focus more time on following inspiring people on tumblr (or the internet) and when I start to dislike something about myself try to refocus on if it’s about my health and feeling good or if it’s about feeling acceptable according to a heavily skewed portrayal of how I should look/be.
It would be much easier to stop hating ourselves if we also learned to stop casting hate on each other. I feel all the more beautiful when I feel loved, and that’s something we can so easily give and receive if we’d break out of the norm.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QduF69rFoI&sns=fb
HERE IS ONE JELLING IT TO YA. Or what do you think?
Love you, lovely Tracy<3
Wow. That guy is so awesome.
🙂
Hi Tracy,
(eww, since I started to read your blog I am just all over the place :))
I could not go through all the comments so I hope I do not repeat something here, but I wanted to share this parody of that dove commercial:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8Jiwo3u6Vo
(just want to mention that it is parody of the “making of” of the dove commercial… well, we all know it was made up — everyone in that commercial is an actor, even that forensic artist and they use scripts…so I do not think it is a parody of how men perceive themselves or how women perceive men..even though it looks like that, what I was laughing about was exactly how it pointed to the fakeness of the original commercial, hence agenda behind the “message”)…
I agree with all you say in the article Tracy. IMO, it is all a power game. Everywhere. In your social group, between sexes, in society… You mock a “weakness” so to feel powerful, better, secure, etc. about yourself. It is old like humanity. (women in Middle East, India, Africa…) Men degrade women so te feel better about themselves. Anyone degrades whoever so to feel better about him/her self. Women compete among themselves too. Maybe because they feel they cannot compete with men (personaly, I felt “attacked” by women especially when a particular woman believed she couldnt compete with men – she was very submissiv in a presence of men, but very dominant when just among women), so they need to boost ego or ease their anxieties somewhere else. (or when you push that myth that men are from Mars and women from Venus, you just create two segregated camps that never can merge or anything — like oil and water… but it is basically for that purpose – to feel being of a “different kind”, better kind, better camp… “we versus them”.. and you also have an excuse not to cooperate, to care, and so on and so on…) It might be caused by feeling “used” by men, I suppose, when woman feels insecure so she competes with women but wants to please men. Or you know, bad childhood etc. Basically, unhealthy developed self, insecurities, anxiety, etc. Then it is widespread and becomes a norm and it makes its way through media everywhere…
I would propose to create some “parenting” classes or something, so parents do not ruin their children into a bundle of nerves.
Hey Tracy,
I just really wanted to thank you for making this post. I wouldn’t have found this video without your post, and if I had it would have been much later. It was so amazing and moving.
I have had these exact thoughts on the media for so long and to have a documentary that covers all of it the way this one did is wonderful. Everyone should see this and you helped contribute to that 🙂
Awesome post.
I’m glad you liked it Julia 🙂
Even though I essentially knew all this before, my realization about it and how it’s affected me over my life really came to a peak while writing this article and watching this documentary. I felt like it was a huge leap forward to letting go of my need to be “pretty” and move more into who I am, what I can accomplish, and how loving and kind I can be. Also check out this site if you haven’t yet, it’s so awesome: beautyredefined.net
Ha thank you! This is exactly why I felt uncomfortable with the Dove video, too. 😛 “More of you are beautiful than you think, so be confident pretty ladies with low-self esteem. But as for you ugly people, you are still ugly, sorry.” Is kind of what I got from it. xD And furthermore, I thought, if these ladies need to be told they’re pretty in oder to have good self-esteem, they have some problems… (Not saying I don’t, I do omg, but I recognize that it’s a problem when my self-esteem is influenced by how attractive I appear on a certain day.)
There are other, more important qualities, that should give a woman reason to feel confident about herself.
If you haven’t seen it already, I think you’d really love this:
http://youtu.be/M6wJl37N9C0
(Makes me cry every time I watch it. xD)
And I want to quote this article, too.
http://benkling.tumblr.com/post/45854252077/gingerhaze-its-kinda-funny-how-hard-it-is-for
Here’s the quote:
Kristen Schaal has that quote about being called too ugly to be on TV, and it boils my balls when people respond “whaaat, nooo, she’s so cuute, she’s so pretty, your standards of beauty are just too narrow” and think they’re being progressive. Maybe she is kind of cute; that’s not the point. That shouldn’t be the quality we need to defend. It shouldn’t be what gives her permission to be on television.
It’s like if someone were to say “Obama’s not white enough to be president” and you were to respond “awww, nooo, he’s white enough! your standards for whiteness are just too narrow.”
Hey Puddleduck,
That poetry vid was awesome!! Totally sharing that on facebook. Also that quote about Obama is hilarious. That’s exactly what’s going on in this Dove video. Thanks for sharing!
Yes, I noticed that about the Dove video the first time I saw it. Everyone was bragging about how great it was and I just felt kinda sick to my stomach. The women came off as self-centered, insecure, shallow, and just silly…
Highlighting female insecurities and validating them…It embarrassed me to think of what men would be thinking when watching that. No wonder so many of them think less of us…
Of course you could say that about all ads, but most recognize that ads are a parody in a way and not to be taken seriously. This particular ad was meant to be taken very seriously.
Hello
Wow where to start. First women are valued
mostly for their beauty because that’s how men are designed! Maybe not as much as they are at present
but nevertheless. Women are not voted into power
not because we live in a misogynistic society
(we actually live in a misandry)but on the whole
with exceptions men are better leaders. Watching
the young man in the video was disheartenng because
he has been “emasculated”. This what is being attempted here . In this country a resistance
is rising against this and if it takes violence
to do it so be it.
Love this article, Tracy, I think about this all the time, have gotten into a lot of disagreements with people. Extends also to how we’re expected to relate to people. Movies, tv, and most of literature throughout history centers around male protagonists. A woman is expected to respond to these figures not with admiration and empathy and wanting to be like that person….. The proper response for a woman is “I want to f*** him.” As if the most we expect of ourselves is to be arm-candy for the hero or to fulfill his sexual needs, not to be able to place ourselves in his shoes and want to be the hero ourselves. Like bravery, cunning, resourcefulness are just male traits that attract females, not traits we ourselves can possess. Even more antihero traits and faults. Women in media are pushed toward those two classic categories, Madonna or whore. Not allowed the same level of power or grit. This is not to say that there are not intelligent, powerful, or gritty women in tv, movies, books. But not very many, and it’s usually tempered.
Thank you so much for this.
I am a young business owner and I mentally struggle on a daily basis with wondering if no matter how talented, driven, and hardworking I am, will the success of my career still be primarily based upon my perceived attractiveness rather than character strengths?…. often I wonder if I should focus some energy on trying to be attractive simply because that seems to be the only way to succeed as a woman in this society. It seems like no matter what you are talking about, unless it is coming out of a pretty face nobody listens…how many brilliant women have been overlooked because of looks? This must be why so many female authors have found much more success when trying out a male or ambiguous pseudonym rather than their real name. It is truly a shame and sometimes I feel cursed to have been born a woman instead of loving my womanhood for the blessing that it is. It may not happen in our lifetimes but I do hope that someday we can all see each-other as equally valid people. I am really trying not to let this fill me with hate for males, society, or hatred of any kind….but it has been unbalanced like this for thousands of years now and knowing that fills me with a fiery rage.
Keep up the good work sister, love and respect to you.
-Coral
Hi Coral, yeah it fills me with fiery rage too :/
I developed severe Body Dysmorphic Disorder in my teens as a result of cultural brainwashing. I was taught that teen bodies = hottest bodies, that barely legal porn is the best kind, that all men no matter how much he loves me or how old he is will quietly long to cheat on me with 17-year olds until the day he dies, while at the same time being called a cripple and a retard every other day during what was supposed to be my “best years.” I was peak-suicidal at 20 after my ex-boyfriend took advantage of my sickness and inexperience and raped me multiple times.
I’m 23 now. I’m lucky to be alive, I have an amazing husband, but I feel like my relationship with my body, sex, and sexuality has been permanently broken. I don’t feel like I’ll ever be confident or ever like, let alone love any of it. I don’t know what to do and I’m losing hope.