This is the writing of a Love Vitamin reader who would care to remain anonymous, but allowed me to share her thoughts with you.
In it she admits to herself and the world that she has a problem with food: she wants to control her anxiety about life and her skin, and she tries to do so by controlling her food to be as healthy as possible at all times. This is a behaviour referred to as orthorexia. For her, admitting that she has a problem is the hardest part.
Obviously there’s nothing wrong with healthy eating, but there is a problem when it gets fanatical, you restrict too much, or you feel like you are better than others due to your food choices. Essentially you do it to feel in control, but you end up being controlled instead.
Hey – I’ve been there, I’m sure many of you have as well, so you may be able to relate to her story. It’s long, but very heartfelt and very interesting to hear her innermost thoughts on her struggles with orthorexia:
I’m scared as I’m writing this. I’m scared to admit it to myself, this thing that has been with me for so long. I don’t like labelling things, I don’t want to say I have a problem. I don’t want to name it, call it orthorexia.
It’s funny because I remember reading a magazine article, maybe in Seventeen, when I used to read that years ago. They had an article on eating disorders, and it was the first mention of orthorexia I had ever heard.
”Ha,” I thought, “They think healthy eating is an issue. I’m smarter than them, and they just don’t get it.” I laughed at these experts who didn’t know what they were talking about and flipped past the page.
I want to tell you a story. It is the story of how this started, how it came to be, and I can’t even fully remember it as I am starting to write because I think I probably have blocked a lot of it out. A lot of it I am scared to admit.
People see me as strong, self-confident, and secure; I am all of those things. But I am all of those things to other people because deep down I understand why I might not be. I understand why I am not perfect, and I hate that society has caused me to know and think of myself as so. To rebel, I am outwardly confident and I accept myself, because I want others to accept themselves. ”Don’t get trapped in what I have,” I want to shout. ”You are perfect just the way you are.”
Intelligence is such a complex, agonizing thing to possess. I am capable of overanalyzing every little thing about another person; I know what word choice will make them tick and which of my movements will get a reaction. I am hyperaware of myself at all times and of the effect I am having on others. Sometimes I choose to care, other times I do not. But I am always watching, noticing the differences.
I will admit that not only do I judge myself, I do it to other people. This seems to come with this disordered thinking that has been perpetuated by society. It is a double way of thinking, to know that you are doing something but to still be forced to do it anyway, out of habit. I know what about other people makes them flawed to others the same way I know what about me makes others judge me.
Just as I position myself in certain ways to be viewed in a flattering light, I wonder why others do not do the same, and I laugh at them as I envy them for not being conscious enough of it to do so. I remember watching my sister sitting in shorts a few years ago, watching as her thighs spread across the bench, and thinking how I would know better than to sit that way while still being wondrous at how she could be carefree, not knowing or caring to notice what she looked like to others.
Is it better or worse, to be smart enough to think you might know more than anybody else? I don’t know. In some ways it’s nice, to be capable of quick memorization and assimilation of facts that other people could not comprehend. It’s nice to be able to read a book in a few hours, and to write a college-level essay in under one and still get an A. It’s nice to not pay attention or study at all, and take a multiple choice test and still pass. I won’t pretend I’m a genius, I’m not. I might end up with a C, but I put in effort that should have given me an F.
In some ways this is detrimental to my well-being. I have never learned work ethic, I have never had to put true effort into things unless I felt like it at the time. I know I can, so I don’t want to. I have rarely been challenged to my full potential. I feel smarter than most of my teachers so I do not listen to them, even though they probably have something worthwhile to say. I come from a family with more money than most, so I have never had to pay for anything, I have been given things. I am pretty enough that I get free things and smiles and whistles from older men. I am loved, and I love back. I am usually happy, and I spread this happiness to the people that surround me. I am blessed with basically everything.
But, you know, everybody has issues. And this is the story of my issue, the issue that has been the root cause of every other one that has come my way.
And I don’t know where it began.
I can try to go way back into my childhood and find an incident that explains all ones that follow. That makes me picture myself sitting on a therapist’s chair while he gives me Freudian reasons why I act the way I do. I actually saw a therapist this summer, who told me I had a problem with obsession that might result from a chemical imbalance and then promptly disappeared from my life, moving to warm Caribbean islands where I bet people don’t have issues like mine. I know they probably do, I just wanted to write that. I don’t know why he left, but regardless I did not get to explore this any further.
Going back to my childhood issues.. I don’t have any. There is no particular incident that I remember where I was ruined for the rest of my life with body image problems. I grew up with my mother telling me I was perfect, and striving to keep her view of my perfection in the way little children do. I knew my mother did not think she was perfect. That probably rubbed off on me, and I can picture my 5th grade self borrowing her makeup to cover up one pimple that had appeared on my chin. I was the perfect child, in every way, shape, and form.
At some point, probably when I moved from private to public school, I developed a complex. I think this is society based, and this is why I hate society and rules and all its stupid pointless conformations. Boys liked me in 5th grade, and I strove to figure out why and how I could keep the attention on me. I cried when I wasn’t allowed to shave my legs until 6th grade. I listened when my 6th grade best friend told me boys thought I was hot because I had both boobs and a butt. I slowly rebelled against my sheltered upbringing and by 8th grade was sneaking out, kissing boys, and learning about alcohol.
I found my 6th grade diary a few months ago and I was mortified. I burned all of the pages in a ceremonial way that is typical of me now. I read words on those pages that make me want to go back in time and hug the little girl I once was, telling her not to think those things and to focus on other things in her life. On those pages were lists of qualities boys admired in girls, lists of outfits I could wear to look more attractive, ways for me to eat less and stay in shape. I was 12 years old.
Now, at 20, this makes me angry. Angry I ever thought that way, and angry at society for allowing a 12 year old girl to think that way. Angry at all the books and magazine I used to read that told me how to look and act. Angry at all the things that told me what to do and what I was too naive to not believe. I am angry for that 12 year old girl who could not be angry for herself.
At some point in elementary school I started having stomach issues. Sometimes when I ate I would have bad stomach reactions, and I learned to not be able to eat certain things before I played sports. Psychologically I bet these things started because of my emotional discomfort. The orthorexic part of me wants to blame it on my breakfasts of Lucky Charms, complete with factory farm, pasteurized milk, and dinners of dead un-organic animals. Maybe it was both; no one will ever know. So in middle school, since no one would pay attention to my stomach concerns, I started researching online on my own.
I found IBS, which I immediately diagnosed myself with. This elusive “disease” was great for me because there was no real way for a doctor to test for it. Websites told me it actually often went undiagnosed, which appealed to the part of my brain that told me I was smarter than everyone else. I had diagnosed myself with a disease! It gave me a list of foods to eat and not eat. This is the first time I remember trying to eat in accordance with a specific diet.
In middle school I also came across the vegetarian diet, which gave me my beginning information about cutting out meat. I watched videos on factory farms, and looked up information that I presented to my parents, who were very against this idea. I remember at one point when I was eating carrots, my mom expressed concern to me that I was anorexic, because I was “filling up on water.” Inside my head, I snickered because obviously if I could fill up on water I wasn’t truly hungry, just like the websites said, and plus I was happy because she thought I was skinny enough to be considered anorexic.
This behavior wasn’t a constant, really. I think I ate pretty much whatever I wanted to in 8th grade, although I may not have been eating meat. Freshman year of high school I think I ate a lot of junk. Coincidentally, (or not) I also felt really awesome about myself that year. Not that my awareness issues were resolved, but I wasn’t trying to control everything.
I stopped eating meat again my sophomore year, probably because of the factory farm videos. But I was on and off with it. Honestly, I don’t really remember. I know that when I went away to Greece that year, eating whatever they fed me, blessing all my food, my skin cleared up and I felt good.
I came home and it all came back.
When I broke my ankle junior year, I went overboard. I think I use food to control other things in my life. I was stressed because I couldn’t walk, so I went on a diet where I separated food groups and even did a juice fast. Not surprisingly, my skin was at its worst during this time. I calmed down the summer after senior year, and I started eating normally again. My skin was clear from antibiotics a dermatologist had given me, and I was going off to college. I ate whatever I wanted at college, and I felt pretty good for the most part. I gained a little weight, but I wasn’t really exercising all that much, and I was drinking a lot.
When an accident in my family happened and I had to come home, food came back into play, full strength this time. For the first few days, I did not eat at all. Then I only ate bread, cheese, and chicken noodle soup. I didn’t care about food, I didn’t care about anything.
After a month went by of me feeling like shit, I turned to yoga for a reprieve. Yoga helped. I will never say anything bad about yoga, it heals, it mends, it makes you whole again. But after I started yoga, I decided my diet needed to shape up as well.
I started researching, my skin got worse and worse. I stopped taking all medication; I was fed up with stupid doctors who didn’t look at the root cause and only treated the symptoms. I ate vegan for a month and then did a week long juice fast. I rebounded and ate junk. I separated food groups, I researched, I learned about every diet in the world.
In the summer I learned about candida and cut out every form of sugar possible and every food that could turn into sugar in your body. Every mainstream doctor was wrong because they benefit from the profit of your discomfort. Western doctors are not to be trusted because look at what a big business pharmaceuticals is!
The problem with all these statements is that they can be true. They might be true. Maybe they are true. But don’t worry, you probably don’t care and will never find out. I would, though. I was smarter. I did cleanses and had emotional releases. They work in some respect. My skin got worse, no healing for me there.
I went off to school again and went back and forth with my diet. Researching food consumed me. I went to see a naturopath who cut out every potential allergen from my diet. I can tell you logically that I do not have a food allergy, because I did not see a huge improvement. But don’t worry, there are lots of people online who say that I should have done it longer, I still needed to cleanse, I didn’t do it right, etc. There is still enough room for doubt that I didn’t do it perfectly that I can allow myself to continue to do it.
I actually came to an accepting point with food after that. I was eating vegan, cutting out gluten and soy, but I was relaxed. I had actually started to add things back in, like raw milk and some bread, but then I bought a macrobiotics book. Wow! That was the perfect book for me. It talked about the energy of all the different foods and how they all affect your body in different ways. Now that made sense.
I failed to realize how this was a pattern; is a pattern. Each new thing I read makes more and more perfect sense to me. Isn’t it funny, how the things you look for in life come to you? What you do, you get more of. What you think, you get more of. What you are subconsciously asking for will come to you. When I started researching food, there was such little information. Now it has just blown up; there’s endless info out there! Spiritual people will know what I mean. Everyone else can shake their heads and move on.
Actually, an important twist to this disorder is that I am a very spiritual person. I am part of the earth, I possess a gift. It is not one that many people have, I have only met one other person my age who I know understands this. I see things; I know things. I know that everything on the earth moves as one. I understand more than most the ways in which the universe works.
I see this trap of a society we are in and how far we are away from our roots. I feel my connection with other people. My dreams are vivid; sometimes I control them. I walk outside and know I am a part of all the trees, the stars, the wind. I want to roll in the grass, in the dirt. I want to be the land.
This is what makes my diet issues worse. I feel more connected to everything when I am eating purely. I don’t know if that’s truly because of the food or if it’s a placebo effect, and my mind allows me to be more connected because it is the food that makes it allowed. I know that your mind and your ego does not want you to be connected.
My mind has tricked me in some way, it has kept me trapped with this disorder from realizing everything I am meant to be. It doesn’t want me to connect with my spirit, because that would mean the ego’s death. It makes sense to me that eating natural food would connect you more with the earth, and of course (!) there are people online who agree with this wholeheartedly.
However, there are other people who feel connected the way I do that do not eat a super strict diet. But what if learning about food is my path? What if that’s what I am supposed to be doing in my life? Such is the way of my mind.
A common reaction I get from my family, who doesn’t think I have a disorder because they think I am a hypochondriac (worth discussing in the next paragraph), is that if I just ate like them everything would be okay.
Everything would not be okay! Eating the Standard American Diet is not healthy either. It is not so much the food I restrict myself to eating as it is the obsession I have with it. A whole foods diet is the healthiest thing there is.
I would like to ethically cut out animal products, and I am jealous of the people who can without letting it consume them. I want to yell at my family that I am right about my food knowledge, but I am not capable of following it the right way myself because I have too many issues. I know what is best for other people, but I do not know what is best for myself.
My mind is in endless contradiction with itself, because it talks itself into loops and loops that spin and don’t stop until I shut it up with yoga. Yoga keeps me sane. When I don’t do yoga, I end up writing things like this, because my mind overwhelms me again.
I can help you, but I cannot help myself because I cannot see myself from an objective point of view. You cannot see me from an objective view that is reliable because you are not as smart as me. This is my issue. Every other problem I have had in my life stems from this issue. My prior fear of being afraid of commitment, of not opening up to other people because I am afraid I am maybe not good enough, stems from insecurity about my skin which comes from my digestion issues which come from my emotions.
I know enough to know that your emotions heavily, heavily effect your body. Even modern science is beginning to prove that now. Telling me I am good enough did not help because logically I am fully aware of that fact. I beat the fear of commitment, but I did not beat the food disorder. I want to control my life and be in perfect health, and I do that with food.
I want to help it, but I am still reluctant to even post this because I still don’t fully believe I have a problem. Maybe I’m making it all up, exaggerating it in my head. If I post this then I feel like I have failed. The past 8 years of my life have been an unnecessary stress on my body because I am wrong. At the same time I don’t think I am wrong; I never think I am wrong. There is always a slight chance I might be right, because I might know more than someone else.
I will post it, because maybe other people can relate. I want to continue to update, but this makes me uncomfortable. I never understood anorexic or bulimic people who were harming themselves. I do not have any desire to harm myself; I love myself. But in trying to love myself the most I have created an extreme condition in my head that is making my harm myself anyway. And that is so sad to me.
Can you relate to this story in some way?
[Update:] If you’re wondering what happened after this, the author of this article wrote an update seven months later with lots of happy improvements on her situation. Check it out.
Monica G says
March 29, 2013 at 10:27 amWow, this is… so honest, and beautiful.
I can relate, oh definitely. I’m also 20 right now, and during my junior year I became a vegetarian – well, over the summer. I did it mainly after reading “Eating Animals,” and was really turned off by meat after that. I gradually became a vegan a year later, but during the transition time I lost weight and counted calories – I think I was down to 90 pounds? 🙁 I realize now that it was an eating disorder, but I still can’t label myself as having had one – and while I still have some eating problems, I’m healthier as a whole. Every new thing I learn about is ‘eye-opening’, which I can really relate with you about.
Thanks so much for posting this, I’m glad someone else feels this way too and went through something similiar to me. 🙂
Violet says
March 29, 2013 at 12:06 pmA deeply moving and honest post. I am way older than the author and have spent decades reading about nutrition and diet. I know all about eating vegetarian, vegan, macrobiotic, Blood-type, gluten-free, anti-candida… You name it and I have experimented with it. I have been/am always looking for the perfect diet. I can relate. And yes, the information out there has increased to the point of massive overload. Recently I have begun to think that the best approach is to listen to one’s own intuition and forget all the rest. And stop obsessing. There are so many other things I would rather be doing than analyzing every bite. Besides, when I obsess, I feel stressed. I don’t need the stress. Having said that, I have been vegetarian for over 30 years and will never go back to eating meat, but for me that has simply become a lifestyle. I have learned that it isn’t my responsibilty, or business, to tell others what to eat either. Epictetus says so and I believe him. I am learning to let go.
Mark says
March 29, 2013 at 2:23 pmExactly my story…
Shantess says
March 29, 2013 at 2:53 pmCan I relate? Holy crap, can I ever. The farther and farther I read down the page the more my mind became overwhelmed. This feeling of being overwhelmed is a very familiar one for me though when it comes to food so it was like reading something I could’ve wrote myself. The digestive issues, the acne, my PCOS, my constant thoughts about my body and how I look.
I am well aware of where my initial body issues and food obsessions stem from. Restrictive and reactive eating cycles are nothing new to me, having started down this path when I was 8 years old although the social learning starting to set in much earlier. My PCOS diagnosis last year sent me over the edge with orthorexia into very strict paleo (which was a 7 month long disaster). I totally get your confusion (and probably turmoil) when it comes to deciding what to eat, “knowing” whole foods are probably best but just wanting to eat what everyone else eats and not care. I haven’t quite learned how to do this. There’s a whole grey area for me between just healthy eating and orthorexia.
I read a quote once and it made me realise for the first time the difference and I remind myself of it often: “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to eat healthfully and nourish your body. There is something wrong, however, when you avoid certain foods because of the fear it will cause disease.”
THIS last part, for me, is the defining difference between “normal”, healthy eating and disordered, obsessive healthy eating. The former is focused on self-love and peace, the latter focused on avoidance and anxiety.
I hope you figure it out. Good luck on your journey and take care of yourself.
author says
March 30, 2013 at 6:12 amThanks for your comment, Shantess. I haven’t figured out the “grey area” yet either.. It’s hard to unlearn everything you think you know about food. I really like the quote, though. Good luck to you too 🙂
Kimberly says
March 29, 2013 at 5:08 pmThis is like reading a story about my life that i decided to never write. Since I was in the 6th grade I lost my innocence and careless fun, to be worried and stressed about what I ate. I lost my ability to enjoy life and began to envy the people that would eat everything and enjoy life while having perfect skin. Thank you for sharing this wonderful article. In similar ways I feel like I can help others, but never myself.
sarah says
March 29, 2013 at 8:39 pmWow, this is wonderful. I seriously feel like you took this out of my head. This may sound a little cheesy, but I feel like someone finally understands. I am not even talking about the orthorexia(I have other control issues), but the way you think. I can relate from where you started talking about intelligence, and never really having to try hard or having to have a work ethic, to where you started talking about knowing things that most people don’t. I overanalyze everything! I can’t think of anything I don’t actually analyze or try to rationalize. I have always felt very different(and spiritual) in that sense, since a child and I have also found very few people that understand who I am, but I could get everything you were saying. My mind is also a endless contradiction of information and I am often confused and overwhelmed! I don’t like admitting this, but I’ve always felt I am smarter or know more than most people(not in an arrogant way), and that I am hardly ever wrong, even if I apologize and admit to my faults. I know that it is not true though, but I still feel that way even if I try to convince myself not to. I could literally pick apart everything you said, and relate to all of it, but I obviously won’t do that. I recently found yoga a few months ago, and it is the only thing that has ever calmed my mind or made sense. Anyways, this is great, and I am thankful that this was posted. It makes me feel like I am not the only one that thinks this way.
author says
March 30, 2013 at 6:15 amI’m glad I was able to help! I know exactly what you mean… Thank you 🙂
mara pomarico says
March 29, 2013 at 9:46 pmPrimeiramente,me desculpe por falar em português. Não acho que vc tem um distúrbio alimentar. Sua sensação de deslocamento acontece porque tem consciência de que está no Maya e tem que se adaptar a ele. Todos sentimos o impacto de nosso corpo espiritual se encaixando no corpo físico. Você apenas sente isso sabendo o que isso significa. Realmente é angustiante. Eu sinto exatamente a mesma coisa e gostaria que todos tivesses essa consciência, por isso também me irrito muito com os outros. Eu também procuro oferecer a comida perfeita para meu corpo, e sempre acho que falhei, mas, na minha opinião, estamos nesse planeta para isso mesmo. Para entender como funcionamos a partir da matéria, do concreto, das experimentações e não de uma teoria. Penso que essa é a chave. Buscamos conhecer ou construir uma teoria para o modo como devemos nos cuidar, queremos generalizar tipos, quantidades, horários e tudo o mais, mas isso é muito flexível na prática. Acredito que a saída é aprender a “surfar” nessas oscilações, achando tudo natural e sabendo que isso é o que deveria ocorrer, afinal, estamos fazendo nossa parte! Estudando,lendo, discutindo, refletindo e colocando em prática o que aprendemos. Esses títulos como “ortorexia” só existem em certos locais e em certo momento histórico. Isso sim não é importante. É um termo que existe a poucos anos, mas o que conhecemos sobre comida são informações de mais de 5 mil anos! E isso tudo ajuda, sim. Sou vegan e não como glúten. Me sinto muito melhor do que antes, além de não ter vícios (chocolate, café, leite, açúcar, etc). Talvez, se tivesse outra alimentação minha saúde estaria pior. Acredite em vc, mesmo que os outros te considerem arrogante. É claro que está certa! Um beijo do Brasil!! 🙂
author says
March 30, 2013 at 6:22 amHi Mara, I put your post into google translate so I hope I understood everything! I see what you’re saying, but I think it becomes a problem when it starts to stress you out and take over your life. Because really, I think our natural state is happiness, and if something is causing unhappiness then you should probably reconsider it. So if you’re able to be happy while feeling that way, then that’s awesome! For me, it’s the anxiety I have over everything in my life that causes me to become unhealthily obsessed and stressed. And that doesn’t benefit me in any way
mara pomarico says
March 30, 2013 at 11:45 amEu entendo. Mas continuo pensando da mesma forma. Daqui a alguns meses, acredito que as informações que você descobrir já serão repetitivas e você acabará enjoando de ler tanto sobre isso. Acabará adotando uma rotina de refeições com a qual vai se sentir bem e vai querer comer sempre aquilo. Dessa forma vai “achar seu caminho”. No começo dessa descoberta é tudo muito confuso, pois há muita informação. Além do mais, alimentação é interessantíssimo! É como mágica, o que comemos afeta nosso humor, nosso bem estar, etc. É normal querermos testar um pouco isso. Bom, isso é minha opinião, por favor não fique ofendida. Entendo que está passando por um problema. Também já fui mais preocupada com isso. Tenho 30 anos, desde os 20 calculo cada colherada que ponho na boca, lavo minha própria salada e só como esta, escolho todos os ingrediente e preparo minha própria comida, inclusive pães e biscoitos. Tenho receio de tudo que é industrializado, mas isso não me atrapalha, vivo muito contente, as pessoas me respeitam e me entendem. Algumas me chamam de radical, mas não me importo. Normalmente são aquelas que só comem porcaria e não tem força para mudar. Te desejo sorte e calma. Sugiro que se coloque no lugar de uma estrelinha lá no céu e olhe para baixo. Olhe para você sentada a mesa preocupada com o que vai comer. Conseguirá perceber que, mesmo com esse problema, é uma pessoa feliz! Essa preocupação vai logo diminuir, tenha força. Você não está sozinha, só nesse post já encontrou várias amigas que te entendem! Um beijo!
author says
March 31, 2013 at 6:03 amThank you!! I see what you’re saying. I will figure it out 🙂
esther says
March 30, 2013 at 11:04 amI can admit I’ve become orthorexic in the last couple of years.. when I was a teenager I didn’t exercise and only ate processes foods, the second I hit puberty my body crapped out; I had constant ibs, I gained lots of weight, bad skin, excess hair… I gave up. I stopped caring for myself and got worse and worse. Now my naturopath suggests I have PCOS which I had heard of before but I was in denial because I didn’t have irregular periods or cysts. Now, if there’s ANY CHANCE I can have a normal life I’ve decided I will do whatever it takes. I’ve lost the weight but I don’t feel better, my skin is worse, nothing else has changed. I’ve said I am willing to give up caffeine forever, I will never have rice or bread ever again if this means I will feel better but I don’t. So what the flipping f*** do I do. I have gotten a “message” from the “universe” that I have to reconcile with my enemies, which to that I replied “nooooooooo anything but that” but it was surprisingly easy.. I can tell my friends and family think I’m crazy but at the same time they’ve been inspired to make healthier choices in their lives because they’ve seen my progress so that gives me hope 🙂
To the author: even if you’re not religious, I’m not, I find praying helps. Just flat out say you need help finding the answer.
author says
March 30, 2013 at 9:57 pmIf nothing physical seems to be working, I think it can be helpful to put that to the side for now, try to let it go, and focus more on the mental/emotional/spiritual (at least that’s where I’m at right now). I agree that asking for help finding the answer can help a lot more than most people would think it could 🙂
Shawn says
March 30, 2013 at 11:47 amI can relate. I’ve spent the last six years becoming more and more aware of what I eat, and am at a point where I’ll pretty much only eat whole foods. I was diagnosed with Celiac disease last year, so to some extent I have to avoid certain foods. Between cystic acne and roller coaster emotions of depression and anxiety, I can say that food does impact the way that I feel, but I fear I am letting it control me too much and impact my social life too much.
elle says
March 30, 2013 at 1:01 pmHave you ever considered that you might be a narcissist?
Andrea says
April 2, 2013 at 2:59 pmShe does not have the qualities necessary to be diagnosed as a narcissist. Maybe you’re confused about what that word really means from medical and psychological viewpoint?
Carissa says
March 30, 2013 at 1:16 pmI am a fellow researcher/obsessor/overanalyzer/overacheiver without effort in many ways. I rarely leave comments, but this came so close to my heart. I felt like no one could fully understand. Thank you for writing this 🙂
Charlie says
March 30, 2013 at 4:36 pmI will have to agree with Elle here, I think you need to look at the bigger picture. I can empathize, but do not sympathize with your story. Blaming your problems on society is not the solution, you sound like an angst ridden teenager who can’t see outside of your own world. I don’t mean to be rude, but I think it’s unhealthy to perpetuate this type of self pity stemming from such illusive problems. Most of us are not privileged enough to fabricate our issues, you need to challenge yourself and find the strength within you. I assure you that you will not find it in the perfect diet or from a flawless physical appearance, it’s up to you what you want to see in yourself and others.
author says
March 30, 2013 at 9:53 pmThanks for your comment. This article was originally written with me not intending for anyone to see it, on a random anonymous blog. I wrote it therapeutically.. It was basically like a diary entry. So first, try to see it from that standpoint.
Reading your comment, I think you kind of missed the point. I’m not blaming everything on society or engaging in self pity. I pointed things out because I can recognize where my behavior comes from, and what may have influenced it along the way. I am fully aware that even with a perfect diet and perfect appearance all problems would not be resolved. It was just a commentary.
It is so easy to look at someone else’s problems and to see them as so simplistic compared to your own. Keep in mind that you don’t know me, and don’t be so quick to judge. You can never know what someone else is truly going through, or what their life is like, unless you are them. I made the article public so that it could (hopefully) help some other people, and I think maybe it has. If you can’t really relate, then that’s awesome! Also, I’m not a narcissist, haha.. But it is interesting to me that that’s what you took from it.
Tracy says
March 30, 2013 at 11:46 pmI wasn’t going to say something similar in reply … I don’t think it’s helpful to say “your problems are imaginary, just stop doing that and you won’t have anything to be upset about”. This is her experience, and I’m sure if she could just turn off this kind of thinking, then she’d just do it, but it doesn’t really work that way. She is starting the process of moving through the illusion of her anxiety and control behaviours by writing this. That’s very commendable. And It seems many people can relate, even if you can’t.
Also… I too don’t think she’s blaming society or anyone else, she’s just noting their influence in developing this sort of anxiety. The messages from people, media, and societal roles/expectations that we absorb as we grow up play a huge part in how we feel about ourselves and the world.
elle says
March 31, 2013 at 6:37 amThe reason I suggested you were a narcissist (which is obviously nothing but a guess because I don’t know you and I’m most certainly not a psychiatrist) in the comment above was because of the number of times you said you were smarter than everyone else and how beautiful you are. That could very well be the truth, but the amount of times you said it lead me to believe otherwise. Maybe for some clarification, when you kept saying you were smarter than everyone, was that supposed to be the irrational voice inside your head that tells you to do things like control your food, etc., or do you honestly believe that? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having high self-esteem and as women we’re usually pushed to downplay our abilities so it’s awesome to see someone who doesn’t, this is only a question.
Brokblume says
March 31, 2013 at 12:57 pmIf narcissism is the obsession with one’s own image, including not only looks, but also how one’s behaviour is conceived by others, then – even without ‘knowing’ the author – characteristics of narcissism can be found in the article.
Exmples of maniplative behaviour valuing the effect on other as more important than authenticity:
“Just as I position myself in certain ways to be viewed in a flattering light, I wonder why others do not do the same”
“I know what word choice will make them tick and which of my movements will get a reaction”
“Boys liked me in 5th grade, and I strove to figure out why and how I could keep the attention on me.”
“I am pretty enough that I get free things and smiles and whistles from older men.”
“People see me as strong, self-confident, and secure; I am all of those things. But I am all of those things to other people because deep down I understand why I might not be.”
Ignoring or trying to cover up the ‘deep down,’ mimicking confident behaviour and being perceived as confident by others are obviously not the same as being confident.
‘Accepting oneself’ out of spite will inspire a self-image ex negativo based on and always including that which is being rejected.
“To rebel, I am outwardly confident and I accept myself, because I want others to accept themselves. ”Don’t get trapped in what I have,” I want to shout. ”You are perfect just the way you are.”
Striving for impossible perfection is exactly what trapped the mythological Narcissus.
Putting the focus on others and perceiving oneself through and in superior opposition to others is displayed throughout the whole article (“know more than anybody else,” “facts that other people could not comprehend,” “I possess a gift. It is not one that many people have,” “I understand more than most,” “I know what is best for other people,” “I can help you… You cannot see me from an objective view that is reliable because you are not as smart as me etc.)
vs concering the own person “It is so easy to look at someone else’s problems and to see them as so simplistic compared to your own. Keep in mind that you don’t know me, and don’t be so quick to judge. You can never know what someone else is truly going through, or what their life is like, unless you are them.”
Creating a self-confident ‘perfect’ image to hide the feeling of being imperfect aka unlovable is a narcissistic trait: “I am afraid I am maybe not good enough”
It is also narcissistic to take obsession for love: “But in trying to love myself the most I have created an extreme condition”
If others are to learn from your example, how is displaying inauthentic confidence going to help others accepting themselves? Is making others accepting themselves more important than to be authentically confident? Maybe focussing on the article not only helping others, but maybe more importantly the author might be another step away from self-obsession and towards authentic self-confidence.
There, I sure feel better for writing that 😉
Tracy says
March 31, 2013 at 1:53 pmHmm.. it’s funny, talking about narcissism like this, as it’s not a word that I find it used very often except when talking about people who very obviously REALLY full of themselves. Almost like a caricature… so over the top that you don’t come across them in real life very often.
So I guess when hearing it, it does sound extreme, but putting it the way that you have and the amount of people who can relate to her story (and I definitely can relate to some of it as well), it sounds as though narcissistic tendencies are very common.
After all, I know that it is extremely common in the case with people who get pretty fanatical and rigid about certain things – diet, religion, conspiracy theory, what have you – is that they tend to feel a false sense of superiority due to being so disciplined and knowing things that others don’t.
I know that that when I was getting super heavy into researching diet and nutrition, and was very strict about the way I eat, I felt somewhat superior toward friends and family who were eating processed foods. So. I guess I have some narcissistic traits too. I don’t particularly like the label though as using it can obviously make people very defensive due to it’s extreme seeming connotations.
author says
March 31, 2013 at 5:12 pmI agree with that, Tracy. I see what everyone is saying.. it makes sense when put that way. But I also agree that it is not really the best term because of the way it sounds and the things it implies. I don’t think I’m “better” than other people, and that’s why the term narcissist is kind of offensive to me. Yea, sometimes I might think I’m smarter, but that doesn’t mean I think that it’s a better way to be, I just recognize that that is a fact. Does that make sense? It’s hard to explain. I really see everyone as equal.. Everyone is on their own individual path.
Andrea says
April 2, 2013 at 3:02 pmTrue narcissism involves a lack of compassion.
Stella says
April 1, 2013 at 2:57 am“I am hyperaware of myself at all times and of the effect I am having on others. Sometimes I choose to care, other times I do not. But I am always watching, noticing the differences.”
Story of my life, to be honest. Wish there was a way to stop that.
Lots of this hit very close to home for me. All these eating issues, skin issues, control issues… I don’t know, sometimes I just wish I could slow down my brain and stop obsessing about literally everything.
However, I’m starting to think these issues are just kind of the tip of the iceberg of lots of underlying stuff that I don’t even want to start dealing with.. ugh.
Brokblume says
April 1, 2013 at 7:28 amDue to the negative implications of the term I would avoid calling anyone a narcissist, but
being aware of narcissistic tendencies effective in everyone might help to recognize them as such in oneself. 🙂 The difficulty is differentiating and finding a balance between imposed image, self-image and the ‘actual’ self, a struggle that can become especially intense in adolescence and I take the reading and burnig of the diary as signs of reprocessing and reliving and distancing yourself from the past childhood-self. I think that consciously allowing yourself to openly ponder and try out different possibilities helps reduce stress and anxiety, whereas thinking and self-labelling in terms of failiure might build up additional stress:
“Maybe I’m making it all up, exaggerating it in my head. If I post this then I feel like I have failed. The past 8 years of my life have been an unnecessary stress on my body because I am wrong. At the same time I don’t think I am wrong; I never think I am wrong.”
That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t allow yourself to feel that way, but let your rational self guide you through your conflicting emotions and not additionally reinforce negative ones. I would argue that most people feel like they are never wrong and as you put it “Everyone is on their own individual path.” So why use the terms right or wrong concering your views from the past (thinking in [obsessive] absolutes vs finding a balanced view) instead of accepting them as part of your individual journey?
I take it your focus with diet is more on the controlling health aspect than the moral one, as you “want to control my life and be in perfect health, and I do that with food” and “love yourself the most.” Wanting to control shows a lack of trust and has little to do with self-love (that is in a non-narcisstic manner), but is rather a way of focussing nervous/neurotic energy to reduce stress. Reducing stress by means of controlling always contains the danger of letting the thing you try to control control you. So now that the way of reducing stress has become overpowerful and stressful in itself so that it makes you uncomfortable, maybe you are ready to transform the fear of losing control to giving it over voluntarily, seeing your own mind not as an enemy but necessary part of yourself, to stop drowning and begin to learn how to swim if you will 😉 . [Concerning the feeling of being overwhelmed by the own mind and being hyperaware (though connecting it to judging the self and other people for me seems problematic) it might be worth researching the term “Highly Sensitive Person.” ]
Being ‘connected with your spirit’ does not necessarily mean the ‘ego’s death’ but can help you recognize yourself as individual and part of something bigger at the same time. As I take it, the gymnastic aspect of yoga is only part of bigger philosophical concept that includes giving back to the world, so why not instead of focussing on controlling your body try to share your ‘gift’ with the world, not in order to confirm a self-image, but because giving is a more substantial way of stess-reduction than controlling or wanting to control. Maybe then you can find the words though it is ‘hard to explain’ (I agree that putting ‘spiritality’ or more complex concepts into words is a difficult task, I’m struggeling as well especially since English is not my first language 😉 )
And by the way if you have come to the moral viewpoint that for you reducing conscious beings to their corporeality in order to eat their meat and bodily products overweighs the enjoyment of eating them, then listen to yourself and don’t eat them. I say vegan all the way 😉
And Tracy, I really enjoy your blog and think you are an inspiring person. Thank you!
author says
April 1, 2013 at 8:04 amI understand… I’m working on it!! Thank you 🙂
Kim says
April 1, 2013 at 8:27 amHey Tracy,
I was just wondering if you ever heard of the 80/10/10 diet? It seems a bit extreme to me, but there are people like freelee who really promote a high carb diet!!
I was just wondering your thoughts on it? Thanks
Tracy says
April 1, 2013 at 8:32 amI think it’s a horrible idea 🙂
Kim says
April 2, 2013 at 6:53 amThanks for your reply! I was kinda hoping you were against it! I rememeber you saying you were raw at one time, so was just wondering, if youd gone to that extreme?
Im aware now, you didnt tho.. I have beeen juicing lately and feel great, so far.. Have you ever been into juicing? Did it help clear your acne at all? Thats why im doing it, in hopes it will help my roseasia
Tracy says
April 2, 2013 at 8:22 amOh, no I was never raw… I think I tried it for a day or two haha. Yeah I think 80/10/10 is flat out ridiculous (and so are freelee and durianrider!). Anyway, juicing is great. I did used to juice, but in my personal opinion, it was a pain in the ass due to having to buy all that extra veg (expensive), fancy juicer (expensive), juicing and cleaning it (time consuming)… I widely recommend smoothies due to them being more accessible to most people. Nothing against juicing though – some people don’t share my opinion and really like it! And it can definitely be beneficial.
Kim says
April 2, 2013 at 2:55 pmHaha!! All those things are so true!! All 80/10/10 seem to start out great, but then begin having health problems!! Idk how frelee and durionrider have made it so long, maybe they supplement with a lot of vitamins,im guessing?!!
Yes juicing can be so time consuming and pricey!$$$ i was trying to do a lot of carrots, hoping the vitamin A would help clear my skin!! I love smoothies and want to jump back on them, now that summertime is here!:)
Here are some, cant wait to try out!http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessseinfeld/8-easy-3-ingredient-smoothies?s=mobile.. Thanks again for answering my question!!:)
Sampson says
April 3, 2013 at 6:54 pmI truly think that a WAPF-type diet is the healthiest diet we can do, while still maintaining our mental stability and personal health. WAPF is the one true whole foods diet (with a name) that includes every food group. Some people consider Paleo a whole foods diet, but it’s really not. It’s a highly restrictive diet, albeit a healthy one. There are people who use GAPS for minor health issues, which I’m pretty sure Natasha Campbell-McBride wouldn’t approve of. After all, it’s pretty obvious in the GAPS book that the diet is geared towards people with serious psychological/neurological issues. It’s really not meant for the average joe/jane. GAPS should always be a last resort.
WAPF has taught me more about connecting to my food in a healthy and fulfilling way than Paleo did or than vegetarianism did. WAPF has shattered every misconception I had about what I would be able to eat. When I figured out that grains were causing me acne, I came to the conclusion that I will never be able to consume grains again, but if that means clear skin, so be it.
Dairy is such a spiritual food, it’s the life essence of one of the most important animals to human history – bovines. The bull has been worshiped throughout history and the cow has been respected as the maternal bull, nourishing the environment around her. The life energy in dairy is undeniable and I want that life energy inside me.
WAPF snapped me out of that restrictive mentality and made me realize, you CAN have the grains, you just need to prepare them correctly and learn to “love” the food you prepare. The joy of sourdough and dairy is not something I want to go without anymore. At one point, I cut these foods out, but no longer. I somehow convinced myself that I would derive more pleasure from removing these food groups. I WANT these foods in my diet, because they bring me joy.
Tracy says
April 4, 2013 at 8:34 amI agree with you on WAPF…. it doesn’t feel like a “diet” because it includes all food groups and isn’t about restriction. It’s the only way of eating with a name that I still subscribe to because it just seems to make sense.
Anyway, stoked to hear that you have allowed these foods back into your life and are enjoying them. I’m also eating every food group freely, and am going more on how I feel rather than fear about my skin.
valerie says
April 11, 2013 at 3:20 pmYes. Recently I’ve come to see it’s all in the journey, for me. It’s in a soft compassion for ourselves. Having compassion for the twelve year old self means having compassion for the twenty year old self.
I think we all believe we can “figure it out”. Well, that proves to be an ineffective system. I think by being intuitive, by TRUSTING the part of us that KNOWS, that’s the way. The only way, really. You can follow every other way until you burn out and humbly stand up. In the Tarot, it’s the rebirth after the death card. Our journeys often involve a great ego death so that we CAN connect to the entire universe on not just an intellectual level but a higher level, too. Sending much love to all on this path…I am just turning this corner myself and it feels amazing to follow my bliss. It feels amazing to know that you don’t have to “make” yourself do anything. The dogmatism of “good” and “bad” and “pure” and “impure” are not helpful. Play around, let go of these, if you are ready. If you’re not ready, just know that at some point, you will be. And it will feel amazing.
Lauren says
April 11, 2013 at 6:34 pm100% can relate. Yoga can definitely heal. When I get to a negative mindset, I go to yoga for my mind..not my body. It has the power to connect the mind and body and heal it together, in my experience. What I’ve learned from restricting foods or cutting out food groups is you just have to figure out what works for YOUR body. I was vegetarian for a long time because I thought it was the healthiest way to eat, but after a while, my body decided that no – it needed meat. Trusting your body is difficult after years of disordered eating, and it’s always a journey – but it’s so worth it.
Samantha says
April 24, 2013 at 1:55 amThank you for publishing this post! I imagine it must have been scary to write, but hopefully you feel more at peace now that it is out in the universe!!!
I connected with many of the things that you wrote, I have battled with skin issues for a long time and feel like I have tried EVERYTHING from diets to supplements to herbs to potions and lotions and nothing seems to work and I continue to rebound (and my skin gets worse). I am actually about to publish a blog very soon focusing on the healing power of self love and I would love for you to join me in my journey. Hopefully we can both find healing from it.
Thank you for sharing!
Tony says
May 15, 2013 at 10:32 pmI really was surprised when you talked about your universal connection, I have told myself the same thing, wondering if there is anyone else like me. The thing that sucks is that you cant let your ideas roam free, they get criticized and were labeled as weirdos. I believe that people like us are in the development of new senses, like ” the sixth sense ” except there are more. Maybe its just alot of stress having to go through such dramatic emotional and mental changes. Acne is more a mental disease than a physical one. This is why the caveman regimen worked such wonders for me, It taught me to let go of all the stresses of picking and popping, it showed me that I just have to let myself free, for the acne was consuming me. That’s my spiel, meditation and yoga are great ways to release your minds stresses. Just practice being a mentally well person.
Jordan says
May 27, 2013 at 9:21 pmWow! I can relate to your post on so many different levels. I have had many similar emotions in the past and present pertaining to fearing commitment, analyzing others as well as myself, and looking for a healthy solution to coping with acne and digestive issues. I am very intuitive and recently have become a very spiritual person, not in a religious sense, but in a universal sense. I have started to appreciate the simple things in life, especially nature, and I am very opposed to the Western medicine way of thinking. I do believe we need to return to our roots, because society has exceeded its limitations, people have created more than we need and it is providing little if any benefit to our lives.
Shelby says
June 4, 2013 at 10:13 amI can relate to your story on so many levels. It’s basically like sitting here and reading my life story. Maybe we should be forming a support group. 🙂
Leigha says
June 7, 2013 at 5:10 pmI have orthorexia (sigh, I said it, I did). I have been struggling with this DISORDER (there, again, I said it!) for about a year and a half now. My issues seem to stem from my multiple life-threatening/severe food allergies and anxiety. My mind is always spinning, like yours. I rarely feel like I get a good night sleep– awaking to my thoughts and fears. I love working out, but find it difficult to run distances due to the luring narrative constantly running through my mind. I over think every situation and decision, to the point of aggravating everyone else.
I am to begin outpatient treatment next Friday. When I hit 92 pounds, I was shocked. I was just being healthy! I was just making good choices! Food as fuel! I was disciplined and knowledgable. I have perfect levels of vitamins — I can hold a 16 BMI without having malnutrition. I eat vegetables and fruits and whole grains and lean meats. I know all serving sizes. I avoid processed choices. I research the best product to buy, and what to avoid for optimum performance. I like to cook. But, my obsession and my increased metabolism due to past restrictions has made me unhealthy. I am not attempting self-harm. I prefer to hold a bit more weight on me. I look better when I weigh more! I know this!
Even when I’m better, I will refuse to eat fastfood and fried foods. I will not eat breaded items. But, I will take more things in moderation. I will eat for hunger. I will learn what I actually need for fuel. I will be normal AND health conscious. It’ll be my life, soon! 🙂
Tracy says
June 8, 2013 at 9:43 amSending you lots of love to heal Leigha! xo
Heather says
July 29, 2013 at 10:08 pmThanks so much for sharing! I have been struggling with this lately, and it’s awful how it just takes over your life. I cut out everything but meat and veggies, following the Blood Type O diet, and my face cleared right up! But this lead me to become obsessed with my diet. I was anxious everyday about eating, if I felt it would make me break out I didn’t eat, If I didn’t have ingredients for a green smoothie, a salad for lunch, or my meat and veggies for dinner, I wouldn’t eat at all! I am frantic about what I eat, it is silly, am I this stressed about eating, really? Every day if I wake up with a break out I start stressing about what I ate the day before, but now im realizing, it is most likely a lack of nutrition. All the times I don’t eat at all is NOT helping my body, it is HURTING it. Oh and all the stress from stressing about eating! Geez! Nasty cycle! Thanks for sharing your experience, I am trying to fight this battle, and start enjoying eating again…acne or not! I will cut out my allergy foods, but if I feel like having pizza, im gonna have a pizza! lol! Well, im gonna try anyway! 😉
Manon says
August 11, 2013 at 6:32 amSalut ! désolé d’écrire en français, mon anglais n’est pas très bon et je ne pense pas que j’arriverai à dire ce que je veux clairement ! haha 🙂 Je me reconnais dans ce que tu dis au sujet de l’intelligence, j’ai aussi toutes les mêmes pensées, au sujet de mes amis, c’est horrible à dire mais je me dis souvent “moi je sais ça mais eux ne le savent pas, ils ne sont pas aussi intelligents”… Je me sens très mal quand je me dis ça au sujet de mon copain… Je suis aussi toujours en train de contrôler et analyser tout ! Pourtant je ne suis pas superficiel, dans le sens ou je n’aime pas la mode, le maquillage, les magazines féminins…
J’ai aussi des problèmes avec la nourriture, et j’ai des antécédents, ma mère était boulimique… Je ne suis pas boulimique mais je pense que ces temps-ci, je devrais faire attention, car je contrôle de plus en plus mon alimentation, je n’achète que des trucs bio et végétariens, je critique toujours dans ma tête les gens qui ne mangent pas comme moi…
Je sais que pour l’instant ça ne perturbe pas ma vie, je peux sortir au restaurant et manger ce que je veux, et je ne contrôle pas mon régime assez fort pour que cela m’handicape… Mais je vois en lisant ton article que mon cerveau fonctionne comme le tien, et je vais tenir compte de ton histoire et de tes conseils pour ne pas que ces pensées prennent trop de place dans ma vie !
Je vais commencer le yoga à la rentrée 🙂 J’espère que ça m’aidera à me laisser aller, et à ne pas toujours rechercher la perfection, à ne pas toujours ressentir du stress dû à ce complexe de supériorité…
Dans tous les cas, merci beaucoup d’avoir partagé ton expérience !
Bisous
Brittni says
August 15, 2013 at 5:48 pmI could never see myself writing a therapeutic blog entry and then having it go public and inevitably analyzed by others!! Brave of you! I think it’s really interesting how different we all are on the outside, but really on the inside and in the things we don’t outwardly express, we’re a lot alike! I, like other commenters, can relate very much to this article. I’m only in my teens now, but the older I get, the more overwhelming my thoughts become. I do feel more intellegient than others, and when I make mistakes I’m quick to forgive and offer excuses to myself. But that’s the way humans work right? We naturally put ourselves first because our body’s purpose is to keep us in the best possible shape physically and emotionally. I haven’t tried yoga but if it works for all these people who sound so much like me, I definitely will try it out. What I love about this article is the honesty and how the author really dug everything up and put it out there. It’s comforting to realize that everyone puts on a different show than the one going on In their head. There isn’t something wrong with me, unless there’s something wrong with us all!
Also, about the orthorexia, I’m on my way there (just recently did a 30 day paleo diet and a few moths ago a 5 day juice fast) but after reading about all these people who have fell into the trap, I’m going to try and stop it before it gets out of hand!
Thanks for the article!